Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
Ponderings
I don't spend much time on here lately. I am a wife and a mom. Although I have token on a part time job I still have tons of "at home" responsibilities and I recently became a troop leader for my little boys Lion Cub den (a branch of cub scouts).
Today I am pondering on my past and how it bumps into and influences my future...I recently listed to a podcast called Round Table. It consists of the lead Pastor at air one and guest pastors just having discussions on random subjects. One that clicked for me was one on getting past emotional trauma. One of the pastors defined it as something happening to you that is beyond your abilities to cope. It doesn't have to be a tragic death, accident or a form of assault. It simply has to be something beyond personal coping skills.
I am still struggling with a past hurt that was the *last straw kind of situation. It left me traumatized and unable to handle my emotional state. Not long afterwards I left a church that I was a member of for 10 years and went as far as to remove many of the members from my friends list...(I can further explain that later in this post). I found myself and my youngest child under the care of another church in another town. It was a bandaid of sorts. It helped to feel cared for and through love and acceptance I began to heal or so I thought. After about a year I felt like God was calling me back to my church. My current Pastors were supportive and felt it was a good move for me to try and reconcile things. And I think that is just what the calling was. For me to have a chance to make emends to people I may have hurt during that time. I went back for a few weeks and now I have been away from church altogether for a few weeks.
As to what happened that caused the emotional trauma, I am still dealing with my emotions over that. I wish I had someone that could lead me through to the other side, but I don't so I am having to take it one day at a time, one emotion at a time, one memory at a time as I sort thought this. I always thought of myself as strong and could handle anything so this has taken me by a miserable surprise. That over a year later it still has the ability to shake me to my core.... but I have forgiven and still love the person that was the center of it.
I want to elaborate on my deleting friends on Facebook...none of them did anything to be treated poorly by me. I was simply hurt and hurting people tend to afflict hurt on other people. I desperately wanted to be adopted by my church. I wanted my little one to have a chance to grow up with their kids and for us to be loved. When things didn't happen in the manner I desired, seeing their happiness, celebrations, birthday parties and so forth and we were not included was just too much for me to take after the *last straw. I know I was expecting too much. I know that people who are not my kin are not responsible to replace the family I have lost or just miss....but for some reason that is what I wanted and it grieved me that it didn't come to pass.
I'm not sure where I will go from here...Rest assured that I may have lost my faith in church but my faith in God remands strong. I still pray, seek to find time to be with Him and I may not do it as much as I should but I do try to be the word. I know I have got to find a place for Jesse and I to worship with other believers. I trust his guidance...
Today I am pondering on my past and how it bumps into and influences my future...I recently listed to a podcast called Round Table. It consists of the lead Pastor at air one and guest pastors just having discussions on random subjects. One that clicked for me was one on getting past emotional trauma. One of the pastors defined it as something happening to you that is beyond your abilities to cope. It doesn't have to be a tragic death, accident or a form of assault. It simply has to be something beyond personal coping skills.
I am still struggling with a past hurt that was the *last straw kind of situation. It left me traumatized and unable to handle my emotional state. Not long afterwards I left a church that I was a member of for 10 years and went as far as to remove many of the members from my friends list...(I can further explain that later in this post). I found myself and my youngest child under the care of another church in another town. It was a bandaid of sorts. It helped to feel cared for and through love and acceptance I began to heal or so I thought. After about a year I felt like God was calling me back to my church. My current Pastors were supportive and felt it was a good move for me to try and reconcile things. And I think that is just what the calling was. For me to have a chance to make emends to people I may have hurt during that time. I went back for a few weeks and now I have been away from church altogether for a few weeks.
As to what happened that caused the emotional trauma, I am still dealing with my emotions over that. I wish I had someone that could lead me through to the other side, but I don't so I am having to take it one day at a time, one emotion at a time, one memory at a time as I sort thought this. I always thought of myself as strong and could handle anything so this has taken me by a miserable surprise. That over a year later it still has the ability to shake me to my core.... but I have forgiven and still love the person that was the center of it.
I want to elaborate on my deleting friends on Facebook...none of them did anything to be treated poorly by me. I was simply hurt and hurting people tend to afflict hurt on other people. I desperately wanted to be adopted by my church. I wanted my little one to have a chance to grow up with their kids and for us to be loved. When things didn't happen in the manner I desired, seeing their happiness, celebrations, birthday parties and so forth and we were not included was just too much for me to take after the *last straw. I know I was expecting too much. I know that people who are not my kin are not responsible to replace the family I have lost or just miss....but for some reason that is what I wanted and it grieved me that it didn't come to pass.
I'm not sure where I will go from here...Rest assured that I may have lost my faith in church but my faith in God remands strong. I still pray, seek to find time to be with Him and I may not do it as much as I should but I do try to be the word. I know I have got to find a place for Jesse and I to worship with other believers. I trust his guidance...
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Lonely?
I know the solitude I feel is a kind of smoke and mirrors thing. After all I am married, I have got 3 lovely sons, I do have a couple of friends I like to spend time with and siblings that are just a phone call away.
If you look closely you will see that I have not seen my husband more than a half hour since I started my part time job in the morning. My oldest son is grown and planning his own life, my middle son is 16, between work and school he is barely home and now he has his driving license so I don't see him for transportation, even Jesse who is the ripe old age of five has his own desires.
I had the best time last night. After getting my baby to sleep, I got up with his older brothers and we talked and joked until they went to bed. A long over due visit with the boys I love. I however stayed up to watch Son's of Anarchy. Kinda paying for it today.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
The More Things Change
The More They Seem the Same....
I guess I cannot call myself a housewife any longer. I work 25-30 hours outside the home these days. I started as a crew member at a local McDonalds the beginning of August. I am currently working a notice to quit my cleaning job and that cannot end soon enough. I am concerned about losing the income, but I will be gaining so much more, more time with my boys and the energy to take care of things at home.
My five year old son, Jesse has joined the Cub Scouts. Of course I take him to the first meeting to find out they have 5 children signed up and no leader....This means I have joined the Cub Scouts too. I'm somewhat looking forward to my Lion's den. I only home to do well by the kids in my charge. Since they are so young we only meet bi-monthly.
My middle son, Wyatt passed his driving test today. He is not yet a legal driver because the DMV computers was down and could not accept information from the examiner.
My craving for the South is somewhat less. Don't get me wrong, the thought of moving anywhere Sought of the Mason-Dixon would be and incredible blessing, but at this point, my sister is doing fine. She has a new job as a teacher's assistant with Special Education, she has grand kids that she spends time with and a daughter in her first year in college. My brother has met a wonderful woman with an 8 year old daughter and is getting married October 25th. They just don't need my emotional support any longer....
Right now, more than a big move, I just want my family. I want to either pay off our mortgage or sell this house. Move to a small rental so my husband can get a normal job. He is stressed beyond belief and burned out. His exhaustion level is high and he had missed most of our son's growing up.
This is my life for now....not happy nor unhappy but content....
I guess I cannot call myself a housewife any longer. I work 25-30 hours outside the home these days. I started as a crew member at a local McDonalds the beginning of August. I am currently working a notice to quit my cleaning job and that cannot end soon enough. I am concerned about losing the income, but I will be gaining so much more, more time with my boys and the energy to take care of things at home.
My five year old son, Jesse has joined the Cub Scouts. Of course I take him to the first meeting to find out they have 5 children signed up and no leader....This means I have joined the Cub Scouts too. I'm somewhat looking forward to my Lion's den. I only home to do well by the kids in my charge. Since they are so young we only meet bi-monthly.
My middle son, Wyatt passed his driving test today. He is not yet a legal driver because the DMV computers was down and could not accept information from the examiner.
My craving for the South is somewhat less. Don't get me wrong, the thought of moving anywhere Sought of the Mason-Dixon would be and incredible blessing, but at this point, my sister is doing fine. She has a new job as a teacher's assistant with Special Education, she has grand kids that she spends time with and a daughter in her first year in college. My brother has met a wonderful woman with an 8 year old daughter and is getting married October 25th. They just don't need my emotional support any longer....
Right now, more than a big move, I just want my family. I want to either pay off our mortgage or sell this house. Move to a small rental so my husband can get a normal job. He is stressed beyond belief and burned out. His exhaustion level is high and he had missed most of our son's growing up.
This is my life for now....not happy nor unhappy but content....
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Teller Tuesday
Here I am muddling through my day waiting for 10pm. It is Teller Tuesday. The day of the week SOA fans anticipate. Tonight starts the beginning of the end...The final ride of SAMCRO. I am rather sensitive to violence (how did I become a Sons fan???) I may spend most of the show with my face in my hands....but however I watch it you better believe I'll be there....
Tonight for supper, in celebration of my Bad Boys coming back on the air, we are having family recipe chili, nice and spicy just like Happy likes it....with one alteration....no floating head....
Thursday, August 21, 2014
It's Just About Here
It has been a fun ride with the bad boys of F/X. I began watching it with the Pilot. The show became very gritty by season five and I barely made it through season six, but because of the fondness of the characters I must see it through to the end.
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| First there was Abel |
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| Next came Thomas |
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| Wicked Boys, Chibs (far left) is my favorite |
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| Three out of five DEAD! |
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| Season Six Promo |
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| Season Seven Final Ride
Sons of Anarchy, aka SAMCRO, is a motorcycle club that operates both illegal and legal businesses in the small town of Charming. They combine gun-running and a garage, plus involvement in porn film. Clay, the president, likes it old school and violent; while Jax, his stepson and the club's VP, has thoughts about changing the way things are, based on his dead father's journal. Their conflict has effects on both the club and their personal relationships. ~source IMDb
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Friday, August 15, 2014
Greater
By Mercy Me
Bring your tired
Bring your shame
Bring your guilt
Bring your pain
Don’t you know that’s not you’re name
You will always be much more to me
Every day I wrestle with the voices
That keep telling me I’m not right
But that’s alright
‘Cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed
When others say I’ll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
Bring your doubts
Bring your fears
Bring your hurt
Bring your tears
There’ll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed
Every time I fall
There’ll be those who will call me
A mistake
Well that’s ok
There’ll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn’t matter
‘Cause the cross already won the war
He’s Greater
He’s Greater
There’ll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn’t matter
‘Cause the cross already won the war
Grace says that it doesn’t matter
‘Cause the cross already won the war
He’s Greater
He’s Greater
I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how He sees me
And it makes me love Him more and more
He’s Greater
He’s Greater
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
This One Got Me
I am not a person who is overwhelmed by the death (or the life) of celebrities. I'll hear about it on the news or read it on Facebook (immediately go to another source to see if it is true) and be saddened by it, but I didn't know them, why would I feel grieve?
My eldest son text me at work to tell me of the death of Robin Williams. Of course, I didn't know him. But although he is only 15 years older than myself I grew up with him. I remember his debut on Happy days as Mork the Ork. Now one had seen anything like him, it was hilarious and no wonder he landed (pun intended) into the in the spin off Mork and Mindy. I watched his comedy for years, enjoyed comic relief, and then came the movies....of every shape and size (excluding horror of course unless you count One Hour Photo or Popeye) and he was amazing in them all. I think my favorites are Hook, Dead Poets, Good Morning Vietnam, Patch Adams and The World According to Garp. After work my older sons watched Patch Adams with me. AJ saw it when he was a little boy and Wyatt had had never seen it... I think he was impressed.
I don't want to focus on his death...click here is a bio of his life.
Saying goodbye to this particular celebrity is a rough one. He was a great entertainer and a humanitarian...I'm sure he is being mourned by many and will be greatly missed. I know he will be missed in my world...Thanks for the laughs Robin...
Monday, August 11, 2014
Maybe Happiness is Overrated?
Last night as I was cutting our grass it dawned on me that I am not a happy person. I can't remember the last time I was happy.... Was it before the relocation to NY in 2000? Was it before the death of my mother in 2002? Was it before the economy went to hell? I honestly cannot remember when I was happy. There has been joy and happy times. We as a family have been greatly blessed. Maybe there is not real sense of happiness? Maybe the happy moments and times of joy is our happiness?
No, I think happy is suppose to be in the background running like a hidden program on our computer....I think that since of happy is what keeps us sane in our hard times. If that theory is true, where is my happy? Where do I find it? How do I get it going again?
As I end this post I want to make it clear that I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I am in a stable and most of the time can be considered a good marriage. I have been with the same man, Doug, since I was 18...we were married shortly after my 19th birthday. We have three sons scattered through the years. AJ is 22, Wyatt is 16 and Jesse is 5. We have a nice home, decent vehicles and occupations. We have everything we need (for the most part)...our biggest struggle is debt. We just about get debt free and something happens...big things happen that puts us either back in debt or further in it. That is where my part time jobs come in. I am grateful to have employment especially since it (in theory) should't take away from time with my younger boys.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
"A Life That's Good"
by Connie Britton, Charles Esten, Lennon & Maisy
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| Husband, youngest son and eldest son |
Sitting here tonight, by the fire light.
It reminds me, I already have more than I should.
I don't need fame, no one to know my name.
At the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.
Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
and family that always calls me home.
Four wheels to get there, enough love to share,
and a sweet, sweet, sweet song.
At the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.
Sometimes I'm hard on me, when dreams don't come easy.
I wanna look back and say, I did all that I could.
Yeah at the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.
Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
and family that always calls me home.
Four wheels to get there, enough love to share,
and a sweet, sweet, sweet song.
At the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.
At the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.
It reminds me, I already have more than I should.
I don't need fame, no one to know my name.
At the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.
Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
and family that always calls me home.
Four wheels to get there, enough love to share,
and a sweet, sweet, sweet song.
At the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.
Sometimes I'm hard on me, when dreams don't come easy.
I wanna look back and say, I did all that I could.
Yeah at the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.
Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
and family that always calls me home.
Four wheels to get there, enough love to share,
and a sweet, sweet, sweet song.
At the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.
At the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.
As you can tell Nashville is one of my favorite shows...
Friday, August 8, 2014
It's Not What You Do That Matters
It's how well you are willing to do it....
I started a part time job this week. At first I was rather embarrassed by the fact that I am 48 years old and I am working at McDonalds....not so much anymore.
It has been an especially long week since my middle son, Wyatt is gone to summer camp. I had to hire a sitter for the first time in Jesse's existence, getting him ready to go and dropping him off added to my morning stress.
Here I am, the new girl. The new middle aged woman among mostly younger staff. I was pleasantly surprised that there are several people my age or older working along side of me. I clean A LOT, do the after breakfast rush dishes (many, many, many dishes) the dining room and make parfaits and salads...I have learned to run the frier and that is quite and experience during lunch rush. I know it is just a part time job in a fast food restaurant, but with all things I attempt I want to do well. I m willing able to learn everything and willing to do anything that is asked....It is important to me to give a good days work for a days wage...
Of course I still have all my house hold duties. And three nights a week I am still a cleaner. Life is extremely stressful at the moment...but I will get used to it all and make a way to a new normal...
When school starts back I should be working just shy of 40 hours between the 2 jobs...I'm tired...a little cranky and about to leave for my second job....no rest for the weary....but in my business I feel blessed...
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| Prep cook, cleaner, dishwasher oh my! Rocking my uniform....Not my best look. |
I started a part time job this week. At first I was rather embarrassed by the fact that I am 48 years old and I am working at McDonalds....not so much anymore.
It has been an especially long week since my middle son, Wyatt is gone to summer camp. I had to hire a sitter for the first time in Jesse's existence, getting him ready to go and dropping him off added to my morning stress.
Here I am, the new girl. The new middle aged woman among mostly younger staff. I was pleasantly surprised that there are several people my age or older working along side of me. I clean A LOT, do the after breakfast rush dishes (many, many, many dishes) the dining room and make parfaits and salads...I have learned to run the frier and that is quite and experience during lunch rush. I know it is just a part time job in a fast food restaurant, but with all things I attempt I want to do well. I m willing able to learn everything and willing to do anything that is asked....It is important to me to give a good days work for a days wage...
Of course I still have all my house hold duties. And three nights a week I am still a cleaner. Life is extremely stressful at the moment...but I will get used to it all and make a way to a new normal...
When school starts back I should be working just shy of 40 hours between the 2 jobs...I'm tired...a little cranky and about to leave for my second job....no rest for the weary....but in my business I feel blessed...
Thursday, July 31, 2014
I Don't Know
I'm finding weird links that I didn't include in posts...and they are appearing in past post...from years ago...I'm wondering if this is something that google has decided to do for advertising purposes? Whatever the reason I don't like it....
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Nothing in this World
Will Ever Break My Heart Again
Performed by
Hayden Panettiere
From the NBC Show Nashville
I finally kept my pride and hailed a cab
Those cutting words you said were the last stab
There'll be no tears this time, they've all dried up
No more sweet __ I already drank that cup
This tunnel's dark, but there's a little light glowing
Just enough for me to run towards knowing
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
No pain this life will put me through will ever, ever hurt like you
Don't need a miracle, a superhero
There's only one way up when you're at zero
You took my innocence but it was knowing
No, I don't need you and that made me a woman
I've paid my dues but that's a ____I'm done paying
I'm standing strong but I'm still on my knees praying
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
I finally kept my pride and hailed a cab
Those cutting words you said were the last stab
There'll be no tears this time, they've all dried up
No more sweet __ I already drank that cup
This tunnel's dark, but there's a little light glowing
Just enough for me to run towards knowing
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
No pain this life will put me through will ever, ever hurt like you
Don't need a miracle, a superhero
There's only one way up when you're at zero
You took my innocence but it was knowing
No, I don't need you and that made me a woman
I've paid my dues but that's a ____I'm done paying
I'm standing strong but I'm still on my knees praying
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
No pain this life will put me through will ever, ever hurt like you
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
Nothing in this world will ever break my heart again
No pain this life will put me through will ever, ever hurt like you
Repost....due to undesirable links
Saying Goodbye
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| Shirley surrounded by her family. Gordy, John, Lisa and Patty |
My friend Shirley lost her battle to cancer and stepped from this world into Eternity on July 19, 2014.
Shirley was an amazingly sweet woman. Carried a smile for everyone she met and was always willing to show her love through service. I am not sure where all her hands went but I do know if there was something needed to be done she was among the volunteers. Over the 10 years I spent at Resurrection Life Fellowship there were many times where I labored beside her after a dinner, serving in clean up duty. I didn't matter who else helped, Shirley was always there giving her best. She was a woman of few words so when she did speak I paid attention to her quiet wisdom.
I am blessed to be close friends with her daughters Patty and Lisa and aquatinted with her husband Gordy and son John. I have yet to really grieve, a few tears shed with the family at her life celebration....Really not the same....I was crying for the pain friends and family displayed instead of my own.
Shirley my friend, I am going to miss your face on this planet...I look forward to dancing and singing with you when my time comes...put in a good word for me...
Saturday, July 26, 2014
An Afternoon in the Sun
Friday was beautiful here in Central NY. It could have been a little hotter, but fair weather none the less....I took my boys and some friends to Madison Lake for a swim... It is just a little swimming hole, but we had a great time. It was a relaxing day but I came home exhausted....
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| Not too bad for nearly 5 decades |
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| They keep the seaweed away from the swimmers |
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| John and Wyatt on the deck...Makala jumping in |
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| Jesse and Safina |
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| Cold Little Jesse |
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| Jesse and Safina having a snack |
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| My Handsome Wyatt |
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| Wyatt and Friends |
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| Safina,Wyatt, John, Makala, and Amanda |
Friday, July 4, 2014
Well Then....
When I sarcastically asked my husband how many Episodes of NCIS could he watch in a day? Well I didn't expect him to take it as a challenge...
At least I am not being held captive forced to watch Finding Bigfoot....
He has to go back to work on Monday...let him have his fun....
Thursday, July 3, 2014
A Few Hours at Madison Lake
It was very relaxing...for a while we were the only ones there. Played in the water with Jesse most of the time and was nibbled on by sunfish. There is nothing I love more than summer.
Monday, June 30, 2014
I Am Feeling Very Upset Today
I was about to set off on a rant about all the upsetting things going on and then I ran across this picture..... It seemed like wise council. Venting into a blog that few read doesn't seem like a bad thing, but although I am upset now, I don't want the people I love (the same ones I am angry at) to read the hurtful thoughts I have at the moment. Having them is enough....
Friday, June 27, 2014
Fade Into You
By Clare Bowen
with Sam Palladio
If you were the ocean and I was the sun
If the day made me heavy and gravity won
If I was the red and you were the blue
I could just fade into you
If you were a window and I was the rain
I’d pour myself out and wash off the pain
I’d fall like a tear so your light could shine through
Then I’d just fade into you
In your heart, in your head,
in your arms, in your bed under your skin,
Til there’s no way to know where
you end and where I begin
If I was a shadow and you were a street
The cobblestone midnight is where we first meet
Til the lights flickered out, we dance with the moon
Then I’d just fade into you
In your heart, in your head,
in your arms, in your bed under your skin
Til there’s no way to know
where you end and where I begin
I wanna melt in I wanna soak through
I only wanna move when you move
I wanna breathe out when you
breathe in then I wanna fade into you
If I was just ashes and you were the ground
And under your willow they laid me down
There’ll be no trace that one was once two
After I fade into you
OoOoOo OoOoOo OoOoOo
Then I just fade into you.
OoOoOo OoOoOo OoOoOo
Then I just fade into you.
Then I just fade into you.
Then I just fade into you.
If the day made me heavy and gravity won
If I was the red and you were the blue
I could just fade into you
If you were a window and I was the rain
I’d pour myself out and wash off the pain
I’d fall like a tear so your light could shine through
Then I’d just fade into you
In your heart, in your head,
in your arms, in your bed under your skin,
Til there’s no way to know where
you end and where I begin
If I was a shadow and you were a street
The cobblestone midnight is where we first meet
Til the lights flickered out, we dance with the moon
Then I’d just fade into you
In your heart, in your head,
in your arms, in your bed under your skin
Til there’s no way to know
where you end and where I begin
I wanna melt in I wanna soak through
I only wanna move when you move
I wanna breathe out when you
breathe in then I wanna fade into you
If I was just ashes and you were the ground
And under your willow they laid me down
There’ll be no trace that one was once two
After I fade into you
OoOoOo OoOoOo OoOoOo
Then I just fade into you.
OoOoOo OoOoOo OoOoOo
Then I just fade into you.
Then I just fade into you.
Then I just fade into you.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Love Me, Love Me Not?
Why does life have to be so confusing? Is it not better to say what you mean than to leave people guessing? Maybe I should have my social life take on a more business like feel. If I don't pay my bills my services are cut off...if a friend drops out of my life I guess I should take that as refusal of payment and move on with my life....
In a perfect world I would be able to do that instead of pondering on what I did wrong...
Thursday, May 29, 2014
I Could Use
A penpal....I wonder how one goes about finding such things...tried a search but takes me to places I probably shouldn't go...
I have friends, busy friends, family, part-time job and plenty of responsibilities yet I am lonely.... What to do?
Monday, May 26, 2014
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