Thursday, February 18, 2016

Too Much is Too Much

It has been 5 months since my last entry. A lot has went on and some things have changed. Since I left my job in October I began seeing a wellness doctor that helped me a great deal. I have far less fatigue and rarely the need for antivert (meds for vertigo).  I was able to get a good bit of things cleaned out and organized, although there is still an amazing amount left to do.  I was doing so well it was my intent to return to work after the first of  the year.

In November my mother in laws health took a turn for the worst. She started with great joint pain.  After 2 stays in the hospital and a near death experience, On January 7th the hospital released her to mine and Doug's care. We met with hospice and ordered furniture and made our playroom her home. My loving husband had to pay almost 400.00 to transport one tiny woman an hour drive. I say that in disgust because of how people can take advantage of a bad situation, I do understand it is a business and they have employees to pay, vehicle payments and maintenance as well as insurance. Even trying to justify if for them, it seem excessive.

Shirley needed round the clock care.  That meant a sacrifice I did not consider. I could no longer drive my 7 year old to school. I made arrangements to have him picked up on the bus and balled my eyes out as I told him "This is what we HAVE to do".
We had her with us just 8 days. She came on a Thursday and died the following Thursday.  I cared for her as if she was my own mother.  I spent 6 out of the 8 nights sleeping in a recliner in her room. Its funny how strong you can be with you have to be. Even if you feel like a turtle without a shell during it.
The days that followed was hard.  Because of people's schedules we decided to have her funeral on January 25th (which happened to be my 50th birthday).

Now that it is all over (almost the ground is frozen so we have to have a later burial). I'm back to work very part time.  I get about 10 hours a week. I'm back to house searching for a southern home and back to packing and clearing this house.

I hope to continue to blog, I have really missed it.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Peaceful Easy Feeling

I am going through a very odd time of my life.  There is a pretty good deal of uncertainty.  For instance our move South. Doug an I both want it. He does because he needs to change work without changing, because the South is my home. So we have the uncertainty of selling the house, of buying a new house, of transfer for work, will my older sons come? And the list goes on and on. All i can do about the move is prepare.  And I am. Cleaning out and sorting, deciding what we'll keep and discarding what I can. I also have the uncertainty of my health and the uncertainty of continuing with holistic medicine do to the costs. I at times doubt my ability to care for this home and family.
A few weeks ago I chose to leave a job filled with people I truly care about thinking the reason is me being over stressed and having unresolved health issues. But now I think it was a God thing...bare with me a minute. The reason I say that is I felt I should have quit at the beginning of summer but I didn't I changed my schedule to work 2 days and be off the rest of the week to spend time with Jesse.  We were so busy trying to have "The Summer of Fun" I didn't have time to see what I have been seeing these last few days...particularly today...
We went from a busy summer to a hectic fall ...he started back to school and I started bad to work...
Before I continue let me tell you a little about my 3rd child. Jesse has always been special.  He has always had high needs and bigger personality than anyone I have ever met.  I have been trying to figure out for 6 years what is going on with him...what makes him so quirky? I have suspected everything from being a genius to a brat that needs a spanking to possibly Aspergers Syndrome.
The doctors can find anything unusual, but I know there is something there. After a miserable night and afternoon I come to suspect he has ADD/ADHD...I read an article that should have his picture on it...I don't know that will be a diagnosis I will just be shocked if it is not. If I had not spent as much time with him in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes, getting him ready for bed and helping him complete his list I would not have seen what I saw in him today...
I believe God wanted me to leave work at the beginning of summer and when I didn't he gave me just enough pressure to leave in the fall...I believe that because I finally slowed down he opened my eyes to the fact that Jesse needs my help. I love him more than anything in the world...I just want him to be okay.
Do I want to return to work? Yes...but right now my little boy needs all my attention, patience and support. I feel at peace for the first time in months.  I feel closer to God than I have in a few years. I know I need him...I was just to busy to realize it....How easy is it to forget he is just a breath away?

Monday, November 10, 2014


I don't spend much time on here lately.  I am a wife and a mom.  Although I have token on a part time job I still have tons of "at home" responsibilities and I recently became a troop leader for my little boys Lion Cub den (a branch of cub scouts).

Today I am pondering on my past and how it bumps into and influences my future...I recently listed to a podcast called Round Table.  It consists of the lead Pastor at air one and guest pastors just having discussions on random subjects.  One that clicked for me was one on getting past emotional trauma.  One of the pastors defined it as something happening to you that is beyond your abilities to cope. It doesn't have to be a tragic death, accident or a form of assault.  It simply has to be something beyond personal coping skills.
I am still struggling with a past hurt that was the *last straw kind of situation.  It left me traumatized and unable to handle my emotional state.  Not long afterwards I left a church that I was a member of for 10 years and went as far as to remove many of the members from my friends list...(I can further explain that later in this post). I found myself and my youngest child under the care of another church in another town.  It was a bandaid of sorts.  It helped to feel cared for and through love and acceptance I began to heal or so  I thought.  After about a year  I felt like God was calling me back to my church. My current Pastors were supportive and felt it was a good move for me to try and reconcile things.  And I think that is just what the calling was.  For me to have a chance to make emends to people I may have hurt during that time.  I went back for a few weeks and now I have been away from church altogether for a few weeks.
 As to what happened that caused the emotional trauma, I am still dealing with my emotions over that.  I wish I had someone that could lead me through to the other side, but I don't so I am having to take it one day at a time, one emotion at a time, one memory at a time as I sort thought this. I always thought of myself as strong and could handle anything so this has taken me by a miserable surprise. That over a year later it still has the ability to shake me to my core.... but I have forgiven and still love the person that was the center of it.

I want to elaborate on my deleting friends on Facebook...none of them did anything to be treated poorly by me.  I was simply hurt and hurting people tend to afflict hurt on other people.  I desperately wanted to be adopted by my church.  I wanted my little one to have a chance to grow up with their kids and for us to be loved.  When things didn't happen in the manner I desired, seeing their happiness, celebrations, birthday parties and so forth and we were not included was just too much for me to take after the *last straw.  I know I was expecting too much.  I know that people who are not my kin are not responsible to replace the family I have lost or just miss....but for some reason that is what I wanted and it grieved me that it didn't come to pass.

I'm not sure where I will go from here...Rest assured that I may have lost my faith in church but my faith in God remands strong.  I still pray, seek to find time to be with Him and I may not do it as much as I should but I do try to be the word. I know I have got to find a place for Jesse and I to worship with other believers. I trust his guidance...

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


I know the solitude I feel is a kind of smoke and mirrors thing.  After all I am married, I have got 3 lovely sons, I do have a couple of friends I like to spend time with and siblings that are just a phone call away.
If you look closely you will see that I have not seen my husband more than a half hour since I started my part time job in the morning.  My oldest son is grown and planning his own life, my middle son is 16, between work and school he is barely home and now he has his driving license so I don't see him for transportation, even Jesse who is the ripe old age of five has his own desires.

I had the best time last night.  After getting my baby to sleep, I got up with his older brothers and we talked and joked until they went to bed.  A long over due visit with the boys I love. I however stayed up to watch Son's of Anarchy.  Kinda paying for it today.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The More Things Change

The More They Seem the Same....

I guess I cannot call myself a housewife any longer.  I work 25-30 hours outside the home these days.   I started as a crew member at a local McDonalds the beginning of August. I am currently working a notice to quit my cleaning job and that cannot end soon enough. I am concerned about losing the income, but I will be gaining so much more, more time with my boys and the energy to take care of things at home.

My five year old son, Jesse has joined the Cub Scouts. Of course I take him to the first meeting to find out they have 5 children signed up and no leader....This means I have joined the Cub Scouts too.  I'm somewhat looking forward to my Lion's den.  I only home to do well by the kids in my charge. Since they are so young we only meet bi-monthly.

My middle son, Wyatt passed his driving test today.  He is not yet a legal driver because the DMV computers was down and could not accept information from the examiner.

My craving for the South is somewhat less.  Don't get me wrong, the thought of moving anywhere Sought of the Mason-Dixon would be and incredible blessing, but at this point, my sister is doing fine.  She has a new job as a teacher's assistant with Special Education, she has grand kids that she spends time with and a daughter in her first year in college.  My brother has met a wonderful woman with an 8 year old daughter and is getting married October 25th.  They just don't need my emotional support any longer....
Right now, more than a big move, I just want my family. I want to either pay off our mortgage or sell this house.  Move to a small rental so my husband can get a normal job.  He is stressed beyond belief and burned out.  His exhaustion level is high and he had missed most of our son's growing up.

This is my life for now....not happy nor unhappy but content....

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Teller Tuesday

Here I am muddling through my day waiting for 10pm.  It is Teller Tuesday.  The day of the week SOA fans anticipate.  Tonight starts the beginning of the end...The final ride of SAMCRO.  I am rather sensitive to violence (how did I become a Sons fan???) I may spend most of the show with my face in my hands....but however I watch it you better believe I'll be there....

Tonight for supper, in celebration of my Bad Boys coming back on the air, we are having family recipe chili, nice and spicy just like Happy likes it....with one floating head....