Friends

We went to the Memorial Day softball game and picnic with the church Family at Cary and Elaine Earley's farm.  I snapped this picture of Jesse and my friend's son Zion, they were hot and tired. It can be seen by their faces it was time to go home. I could not love them more.

They look so miserable like they could be on a children's international commercial. Jesse with the empty plate and Zion crying....

Very Hungry Christian

I have been spending several months of my life trying to recover and become the Christian I was before Jesse, before depression.  This morning I thought on a story that Dottie Smit, a guest speaker at our woman's conference told and Sunday morning Jake Lutke, our worship leader reminded us of.
It is about change.  How a caterpillar gorges himself before entering his cocoon.  After getting his fill and he becomes this monstrously plump creature, he forms his cocoon where the change painfully begins to take place.  After weeks of metamorphosis he chews a hole in the chrysalis and begins the new birthing process.  If someone takes pity on his struggle and tries to free him, there is permanent damage, maybe even death to the insect.

Change is not always pretty

I feel that is what has taken place in me these last months, maybe even years.  I was full of the spirit, loved God, had a relationship with Jesus.  I couldn't get enough.  Even through tough trials, like moving to NY, my mom's illness and my own cancer, I walked close to the Lord.  I was full and happy.  I guess it was time for the next stage of my life.  My painful chrysalis.  I was in a tight, dark lonely state.  I felt pain most of the time.  I cried for help and a few tried, and got me through some of my oppression. But for the most part this was my journey. If anyone would have tried to free me prematurely, it would have done more harm than good.
A couple months ago I began my exit.  Still a painful process, but what birth is not?  After weeks of struggle and finally feeling the progress, I found hope. I found my voice to cry out to God, to have him finish the change in me.  To forgive me and allow me to forgive myself.  To repent and not look back at the things left behind...slowly my head emerged.  Two steps forward one back.  Eventually I was reformed and free.  It took some days for my "wings" to dry so I could take flight.
It was a heartbreaking journey, but here I am.  Free to soar like eagles, restored by my savior.
I guess my story ends with no matter where you are in your walk with the Lord.  No matter if you are satisfied with your relationship, he always has more.  He has more to give, more to change.  I cannot go back to the woman I was.  That is not where my God wants me to be.  He allowed me to walk through this pain and darkness, but he never removed his hand from me.  I'm awake and alive with a new passion and new love for Jesus.  If you are struggling today.  If you feel alone, forgotten, you're not.  Even if your faith feels feeble at best and prayers feel like they are disappearing into the atmosphere. They are not.  God is with you and no matter how the situation looks, don't give up. Try not to become bitter because you feel left behind by your brothers and sisters in Christ.  Look to Him, not them.  No matter how wonderful they are (or are not) they cannot replace our father.  People are frail and will at one time or another let you down, but God is always the same.

Results can be amazing

Rain Rain Go Away

It has been raining every night for the past week or so.  I am not able to get my grass cut due to it.  I am about sick of the soggy yard.  The upside of the wet ground is it make hoeing out the grass and weeds around my raised garden box a lot easier. I have the are in the back left to prepare and then we will move the fence to the outer edges of the black plastic.  Against the fence will be peppers, tomatoes and cucumbers. Not sure what else I want to plant in the main garden area. 

Jesse and I went to the dump for a load of mulch.  I have so much to so, so much to work on and accomplish.  I spent the last of Doug's paycheck on items at walmart.  We had to have diapers, pet food, people food for the annual softball game on Monday and I splurged on a few things like bird feeder and stand, hummingbird feeder, bubbles, few grocery items and a clean tee shirt for Jesse.

Daily I gain ground in overcoming my depression and anxiety.  As I do give some credit to my caregivers and medications. I know the key to the turn around is putting God back in my life, daily seeking him. Also continuing to stay away from things that distract me from my relationship with him. And gratefully giving my love and attention to my family.

Jesse

Jesse Will age 2.5 at Dr Meyers office...poor lil guy is so sick

Just when I thought I could not possibly love him more, he begins to evolve into the image of our oldest son between the ages of 2 and four.  Brings back precious memories of AJ.

This morning it is back to the dentist for a permanent filling for my root canal.  Since I put in the effort to save this tooth I already have a crown, he drilled right through it and now it will be filled...Hoping this is the last of needed dental work for a while...a long while.  My cleaning will be due in about four months and with a lot of care hopefully I will not need to face the needle or the drill.
Here's hoping it will be a short, painless visit!

Uncertainty

I have been attending church without my husband for over eighteen years.  I have had moments of desperation watching families worship together. I have prayed for and had people pray for him to find his seat in the pew next to me with our children next to us.  I have come to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter whether or not he chooses to get up and join the congregation on Sunday morning.  That is really a personal issue between him and his lord. Watching his life, his devotion to and faith in God is something to be envied. Over the past few years I have seen enough to realize that having a beautiful loving partner in my life is so much better than having the picture perfect family for the church directory.
Looking back over my 18 year Christian walk I have seen disrespect, selfish spouses, adultery (in all definitions), abuse, uncontrolled lust, greed, uncompensated labor and major hair splinting on issues concerning morality, all within church communities.  Everyone has their "skeletons to hide".  I too am overcoming situations that I wish I would have handled differently.
I have been a member of two congregations. Pastor's Dan and Carla Patrick (Carrollton Georgia)  and Pastor's John and Kristy Camp (Eaton New York) and they are extraordinary people that I love and respect very much. I am not directing my accounts to either congregation's leadership. I think the whole point of this statement is church is not what makes one good.  Everyone who has taken a breath has to realize the only good in us is Jesus.
My husband is a good man. He shows integrity in his every day life.  Loving husband, excellent father, a reliable employee, compassionate and generous. Anyone would be lucky to be considered his friend.  He is saved by grace, has a wondrous faith, but for whatever his reasoning does not have any interest in attending church. To be honest I am wondering the value in it as well.
I have a desire to be a good person, the wife he deserves, the mother the boys need.  I want a relationship that is uncommon with the Lord.

Still Missing

Even though the world didn't end today, it is continuing to stand still for the family of Amie and Timothy Pitzen.

My Friend Mike personally knows Amie Fry Pizten, a women who took her own life last Saturday at a motel in Aurora Illinois. She was laid to rest today, but her six year old son, Timothy is still missing. The search for this young boy continues by the authorities, family and even facebook: Help find Timothy Pitzen.
Even though my older children made me so angry today I could have sold them for parts, I cannot imagine one day without my children.  I think of and pray for this boys safe return.  I also pray he is being cared for and and loved while waiting to be returned home.

At Worlds End?

I guess a decade or two ago I may have been alarmed by this end of the world theory. Not so long ago I bought into the whole Y2K and for saved water and horded enough food for us and and extra for the the unprepared neighbors. Looking back I find it rather funny...just a few months after the computers were suppose to go haywire and the world was going to be in chaos, I ended up living in Central NY.  In a way life as I knew indeed did change. And for many months my life was upside down and felt chaotic.
Here we are on the eve of  "the world's end" and all I can do is say who cares? First of all this gentleman's prediction failed miserably in 1994. Second my Bible tells me no one knows the time that rapture will take place. We are to keep watch, it can happen anytime even May 21, 2011.  Thirdly I don't fear rapture.  My loved ones are saved and as much as I love my life here, being with my Lord is not a scary thing. I got up this morning and lived a normal day of falling short in my walk with the Lord, but at peace knowing even in my failure His grace covers me and his love wraps around me. I want to concern myself more with knowing and serving my savior than wringing my hands over the end of the world.

Source: News One
NEW YORK– May 21, 2011 will mark the end of the world and the second coming of Christ, or at least that’s what some Christian groups believe.
For months, Christian network Family radio has trumpeted the coming of  judgement day on more than 2,000 ads around world. The network’s president, 89-year-old  Harold Camping claims to have calculated the apocalypse to an exact day: May 21, 2011.
Various interpretations have surfaced to support the claim.
The most prominent reference passages from the Bible that claim the end of the world begins exactly 7,000 years after the great flood, which, in the Book of Genesis occurred on the 17th day of the second month of the Jewish calendar.
In Genesis 7:4 God tells Noah:
“Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made.”
The great flood is said to have occurred in 4990 B.C. Seven thousand years later is May 21, 2011.
As for Camping, this is not the first of his ‘end of days’ predictions. ABC news reported Camping having predicted the apocalypse before: Sept. 6, 1994. But Camping had been “thrown off a correct calculation
In New York’s Times Square the faithful are wearing doomsday T-shirts, clutching bibles and passing out pamphlets with numerological proofs of the apocalypse.  While the  New York Times is featuring a front page article  about a family who traveled to the city to spread the word.
The hosts of the popular television program, The View, weighed in on the predictions, joking  and measuring their own place in the rapture.

Delicious Day

The beautiful sunshine is gracing us with it's delicious presence this morning.  After a 4 day stretch of rain and gray skies it is more than a welcome sight.  There will be little housework done today as me and my little man will be outside playing, gardening and simply soaking up the sun. One thing the crazy weather in Central NY does is makes me appreciate the sunny days.

MOPs

http://www.mops.org/

My friend Kara invited me to go the her MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) group  It was the end of the year banquet and I decided that is something Jesse and I will join.  When we first got there Jesse didn't want to stay in the one and 2 year old nursery so I moved him to the three and 4 year old. He is two and a half, no longer uses a bottle or passy and the little ones were screaming for their mommies. The older nursery was more interactive and I was able to slip right out.  I went back to peek in on him and he was having fun. I had a relaxing time with women I have things in common with and there was a large diversity in age.  I am probably the oldest mom there but I would say within five years of some...maybe up to twenty years the senior of others. God blessed me with this wonderful child so even though I am middle aged I try to enjoy every bit of his life.  He drives me nuts at times...even makes my eye twitch, but I wouldn't trade him for any amount of peace or freedom.  I plan on going on play dates this summer and going to regular meetings in the fall.

Writer's Block

It has been days since I have written.  I'll begin a new post and realize that writing about a mundane day is well mundane.  My life is pretty much the same every day.  Up at 6 am to see Wyatt off to school. After that it is either cleaning or going back to sleep with Jesse.  Up again by 9 am. Let the dog out, diaper change and an argument about what Jesse wants for breakfast. Dog in. Usually coffee at the computer. Facebook first then email, straiten the house, fold a load of mounting laundry, most days take Jesse out to play, lunch at 12:30 and nap at 1:30.  Some but not all days I nap too.  Jesse is at my side practically every moment of the day and night.  With Doug working nights I allow him to sleep with me on weeknights and sometimes he snuggles between us on weekends.  For two and a half years I have been sleeping in a space about as wide as me.  Most of the time I am on the edge and he is right up against me.Once or twice a month Wyatt sleeps with Jesse and I.  Then there is Scarlet, the dog we adopted. She has slept with me since her second night in our home. There are times that our bed is very full. One would think between Doug's hours and the crowded space intimacy would be and issue. For us it is not.  We have been married twenty six years and we are still in love.  Jesse does have a room and starts there on weekends and naps there too. On good days I join my husband in our room after I get him to sleep. On days I don't nap or spend quality time with Doug, I clean the house. I get the things done that Jesse doesn't allow when he is awake.  
Around three Wyatt comes home from school, AJ is home from work and Jesse is awake by four. We usually play outside together.  I have to start dinner no later than five.  Get Doug up around five thirty, supper, clean up, computer time, bath time, bed time and it all starts over again the next morning....
So I guess that is why I have not posted in days, because as much as I love my life, it cannot be interesting to read about. It is wet and cool today, but I think I will take Jesse out just the same to play before lunch. He will be hungrier and sleep better if I allow him to exert himself and the fresh air would do us both some good.

Trust

I had a 8:50 appointment this morning for a root canal.  Things went really well even though I have a small mouth and tiny canals.  Dr Fauth really had to work hard for the money today.  During the procedure it dawned on me how much trust I have in the dentist and then I moved onto the reason I can trust the dentist is because I trust God...the one I asked for comfort and safety today. I'm numb, sore and feel like a train wreck.  I think I am going up for a nap soon.

Mother's Day

Everyday is Mother's Day when you have little ones at home.  I am blessed to be one of the billion women who gets celebrated today. I adore my children and very overwhelmed with gratitude that I am the one that gets to be their mom.

This Pretty Much Sums It Up

Revelation
~third day

My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without

I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

Terrapen Syndrome

My brother in-law calls me tenacious, my husband calls me a snapping turtle and my sister lovingly claims I have Terrapin Syndrome. It all equals the same thing, I have an addictive personality. Right or wrong when I set my mind to get something done I attack with full force.  Five years ago it was breast cancer, 3 years ago it was weight loss, a few weeks ago it was to turn my life around and this week it is housework.  I have gained control over our home for the most part and everyday I do something new.  Clean out a cabinet, drawer, work on the basement, laundry and at the same time keeping up with my daily cleaning. Although I am proud of all I have accomplished, I still feel lost.  Many days I feel as helpless and vulnerable as a turtle without a shell.
I don't understand why I cannot find the inner strength to seek the Lord with the same passion as these and other tasks not mentioned. The Bible feels like interesting stories and my prayers empty. What is missing? What is the recipe to waken from this lukewarm state?

Busted!

Click article to inlarge

Brother Can You Spare a Dime?

I know the Lord has control over all of our lives and I need to pray for things to change.  So many need a financial breakthrough.

The current economy doesn't seem to be effecting my little 5 member family too much. Yes, groceries are higher, property taxes go up yearly and gas is over 4.00 a gallon. Doug's pay went up after the first of the year due to a new truck route and that seems to fill the gaps the economy and the need for two replacement vehicles made.  My husband is very good with money and handles our finances. I am grateful he handles our bills. Living week to week but living. We have been blessed.

I know people being hit pretty hard.  I have a friend, her husband's car is broken down and her explorer is needing work.  She is trying to go to school to better herself and her family at what seems to be impossible odds. Life brings increases in monetary need without an increase in income.  Another has been out of work for a few years now.  An expert in the masonry business at one time more work than he could keep up with.  With the increase of illegals in Georgia going to work in the housing business quickly learned the trades, started their own crews (I'm sure with the help of the government) and  started underbidding the seasoned professionals that could not meet their low bids.  Then with the fall of housing, he ultimately lost all his work. After months and months of  no steady income, he found employment elsewhere and was injured in a equipment accident the first week.  He has lost everything.  His wife, home and as he put it his hope.Yet another has been struggling and barley making it for years.  Her husband lost his job and could not find another. She takes odd jobs and with his unemployment they can keep the car payment to date, utilities on and food in the house.  Fortunately their home is paid off. But they have no insurance and because they have not children at home cannot get any kind of government aide.
Their stories are like many all over the United States.  I don't believe I have ever seen a time a grim as this one. I know the Lord has control over all of our lives and I need to pray for things to change for them.  They need a financial breakthrough.

May 1, 2011

Facebook was alive today with victory posts. Osama Bin Laden finally brought to justice after nearly a decade long war on terror.  I am grateful this man was brought to justice, but I guess I wish things were different.  That humans weren't evil and do heinous acts against others. But is not the world we live in. He lived by violence and cruelty and paid the ultimate price for it.  He is in Hell forever separated from the one true God. I know the world is a better place without his evil in it, but his followers are alive, well and full of hate. More than willing to continue the terror the now dead leader began.

"Today, the message our forces have sent is clear -- if you attack the United States, we will find you and bring you to justice," Cheney said in a statement.

Reporting from Washington—

A CIA-led team killed Osama bin Laden at a compound inside Pakistan Sunday and recovered his body, bringing to a close the world's highest-profile manhunt after a decade long search, President Obama announced to the world Sunday night.

"Justice has been done," the president said solemnly in a hastily arranged late-night TV address from the East Room of the White House. Bin Laden, he said, "murdered thousands of innocent men, women and children" and his death was "the most significant achievement to date" in the U.S. war against the Al Qaeda terrorist network that Bin Laden founded, led and inspired.

As described by the president and top administration officials, the successful effort to track down Bin Laden centered on a man whom the officials described as a trusted courier for Al Qaeda, a protégé of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed , the operational mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Source The Los Angeles Times