I Feel Desperate Today

Run to You

I run from hate, I run from prejudice

I run from pessimists, but I run too late

I run my life or is it running me, run from my past

I run too fast or too slow it seems

When lies become the truth

That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster

Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby

When it all starts coming undone

Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you

We run on fumes, your life and mine

Like the sands of time slippin' right on through

And our love's the only truth

That's why I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster

Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby

When it all starts coming undone

Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you

Whoa, oh, I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster

Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby

When it all starts coming undone

Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you, I run to you, yeah

Whoa, oh, I run to you

I run to you girl, whoa

I always run to you

Run to you, run to you

Lady Antebellum - I Run To You Lyrics

Changes…

I am just not the go with the flow kind of girl…There are a few to many changes in my life right now… As I have blogged before I have left my current church and attending one about a half hour away…that coincided with the death of a friendship…I had one friend walk out and an old friend walk in.  It was on it's way to year two since our disagreement and we saw each other in town, spoke and have been in contact since.  She pretty much got me my job at B&B maintence. I work 10.5 hours a week cleaning 2 local businesses. My eldest son moved out, my middle son has gotten his first job and tomorrow I take my baby boy to the hospital to have his dental work done under general anesthesia.  I am a little stressed out about that….there is little I can do about the situations in my life so I am just waiting to see how life turns out….

From Whiplash to Lexi

Baby's new name is Lexi....Because she reminds me of a Velociraptor I thought a Jurassic Park name would be fun and if it turns out to be a boy I'll shorten it to Lex...Wanted Ellie but couldn't think of a male version....it is so funny to watch....it hand waves and head bobs

Whiplash

Meet my new baby....Whiplash.

Whiplash Venting from the Heat

I seem to be keeping my Pixar theme starting with Turbo (Jesse named him) then Hiccup (from the movie How to Train Your dragon) and now Whiplash (also from the movie Turbo).
She (just an assumption) is not as big a minute.  Supposedly 6 months old only 8.5 inches long and a hair less than an ounce.  Malnourished and dehydrated. I started her on Repta boost, baby food and small insects. I also bath her in Pedialite to help with electrolytes and rehydration. She is suppose to be here as a foster, which getting her back to rights could take months...Then I will face the question of
whether or not I can part with her....

Whiplash...about one ounce

Whiplash with Hiccup 

My big boy Turbo he is about 11 ounces

Hmmmm

I want to Thrive Not Just Survive....

Several or more months ago I heard this song and I could relate to the lyrics in a way that was almost scary...I mean who wants something this dark to be their theme song? It was not until this past Sunday that I understood why.  It had to do with the church I was attending and have been a member for almost a decade.  I want to make it understood that the church is not flawed.  It is a good church full of good people.  For whatever reason it was my time to move on and I dug in and refused.  The main reason was I didn't want to uproot or leave my older sons.  I wanted to wait until they reached an age that if they wanted to stay with or without me they could.  Plus the fact I had made this church my home and loved the members and deep down wanted to stay, that was another factor. Whatever the reason, whether it is noble or personal, when God is ready to move you the best thing to do is move.  I over stayed my welcome and grew some hard feelings and hurts along the way.... A few months ago I finally made the move away from there...it was heart wrenching and at times still is difficult, but for now I am planted where I believe God wants me to have my next chapter....I am leaving it up to him how long I stay...whether it is months or years....I'll just have to wait and see....I have thrived since taking the difficult move and I am grateful to my God for his faithfulness....

Thrive

Switchfoot

Been fighting things that I can't see in 

Like voices coming from the inside of me and 

Like doing things I find hard to believe in 

Am I myself or am I dreaming? 

I've been awake for an hour or so 

Checking for a pulse but I just don't know 

Am I a man when I feel like a ghost? 

The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes 

No I'm not alright 

I know that I'm not right 

A steering wheel don't mean you can drive 

A warm body don't mean I'm alive 

No I'm not alright 

I know that I'm not right 

Feels like I travel but I never arrive 

I want to thrive not just survive 

I come alive when I hear you singing 

But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and 

I get the feeling that I'm in between 

A machine and a man who only looks like me 

I try and hide it and not let it show 

But deep down inside me I just don't know 

Am I a man when I feel like a hoax? 

The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes 

No I'm not alright 

I know that I'm not right 

A steering wheel don't mean you can drive 

A warm body don't mean I'm alive 

No I'm not alright 

I know that I'm not right 

Feels like I travel but I never arrive 

I want to thrive not just survive 

I'm always close but I'm never enough 

I'm always in line but I'm never in love 

I get so down but I won't give up 

I get slowed down but I won't give up 

Been fighting things that I can't see in 

Like voices coming from the inside of me and 

Like doing things I find hard to believe in 

Am I myself or am I dreaming? 

No I'm not alright 

I know that I'm not right 

A steering wheel don't mean you can drive 

A warm body don't mean I'm alive 

No I'm not alright 

I know that I'm not right 

Feel like I travel but I never arrive 

I want to thrive not just survive 

I want to thrive not just survive

Video

How to Turn the Head....

Could fostering a bearded dragon be one of them?

Many times I am able to manipulate (for lack of a better word) my husband.  A woman at a local store wanted to gift me a non thriving bearded dragon. She is not sure to care for it and thinks I can help it.  I told her I would take her but as a foster.  Now I have to find a way to tell my husband so he wither thinks it is his idea or he just doesn't reject the idea all together....I pick it up on Saturday....I would love to one day become a Beardie rescue.

Losing...

I like this song Losing by Tenth Avenue North...I have been dealing with a lot of pain by someone I never believed would hurt me...it seems odd to be so bothered by the loss but the heart is a fickle beast. 

The Lyrics say Father won't you forgive them they don't know what they are doing....but what about when they do know what they are doing? What then? I know the answer...forgive anyway...but that takes grace at this point I don't have....I wish I was the person who gave everything to God...Just pray it out...unfortunately I am not there yet...but He has Grace for that too.  

 "Losing"

Click Title to Hear Song

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Oh, no!

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down


Oh, Father won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
Yeah, I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losin'

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Hiccup

I love her ...
I adopted my little Hiccup on September 11, 2013.  She was bought as a rescue from Craigslist and then later gifted to me.  I wanted to name here Opie (thought she was a boy) but it didn't fit so I named her Hiccup after the lead character in How to Train Your Dragon.

September 11 this is what she came home in

She was so tiny

Just a fraction of Turbo

During the first week home

She could fit in a cat food bowl! She loves her food!

Out for a stroll

Getting bigger...a whole ounce!

Sweet Girl loves attention

Hiccup Today- She is shedding

October 22
She has gotten bigger, but changed just a little in a month and 11 days

Shameless

Written By: Billy Joel

Preformed By: Garth Brooks

YouTube Version

Well I'm shameless when it comes to loving you

I'll do anything you want me to

I'll do anything at all

And I'm standing here for all the world to see

Oh baby that's what's left of me

Don't have very far to fall

You know now I'm not a man who's ever been

Insecure about the world I've been livin' in

I don't break easy I have my pride

But if you need to be satisfied

I'm shameless, oh honey I don't have a prayer

Every time I see you standin' there

I go down upon my knees

And I'm changin' swore I'd never compromise

Oh but you convinced me otherwise

I'll do anything you please

You see in all my life I've never found

What I couldn't resist what I couldn't turn down

I could walk away from anyone I ever knew

But I can't walk away from you

I have never let anything have this much control over me

I work too hard to call my life my own

And I've made myself a world and it's worked so perfectly

But it's your world now I can't refuse

I've never had so much to lose

Oh I'm shameless

You know it should be easy for a man who's strong

To say he's sorry or admit when he's wrong

I've never lost anything I've ever missed

But I've never been in love like this

It's out of my hands

I'm shameless, I don't have the power now

I don't want it anyhow

So I got to let it go

Oh I'm shameless, shameless as a man can be

You make a total fool of me

I just wanted to you to know

Oh I'm shameless 

I just wanted you to know

Oh I'm shameless

Oh I'm down on my knees...shameless

Trying But It Is...

Hard To Not Be Angry with My Husband

Picture from voodoorules.com

I Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

I try to be a good and supportive wife. I know how hard my man works 12-14 hour nights.  By the time he drags in the next day he is pretty well spent.  An hour or so watching TV after his breakfast and off to bed he goes until I get him up again at 5:30 to share a meal with the family and out the door again.  Weekends are not all that. Most people use them for family, chores, projects or just relaxing.  Not here. Doug drags in after a long shift and sometimes goes to bed and sometimes doesn't. I think the days he stays up are worse than the ones he rest a few hours and joins us in the evening.  Sunday morning the boys and I rush around getting ready for church and as soon as we get home (somedays) he takes Jesse and goes to his mom and dad's house. Is typically out until 10:00 pm. This has been going on for 13 years (only 2 for Jesse).  

I have always been put in the position as lead dog while raising our kids.  But this move tilted the scales a bit heavier onto me. Then when Jesse was born he placed no attempt to take any of the weight off of me.  It is almost as if he believes I had had him so he is my responsibility.  I'm sure it is not this drastic, but it feels like he has no desire to bring up Jesse.  He seems to only tolerate him and gets frustrated with him (or so it seems) when Jesse wants me for everything.  When the other boys were little he didn't let them dictate who did what.  If he was up he did the wiping, if he was in the kitchen he got the juice or snack and if he received resistance he didn't just come back, sit down and say "he won't let me he just wants you" If AJ or Wyatt would have tried that it might take a pop on the behind, but dad would be the dad...

If I had not taken a short lived part time job where I forced his hand to help me with the baby on weekends (Sunday mostly) then we never would have set it up for him to take the boy with him to see his only living grandparents on a regular basis.  The job was too stressful on the older boys, especially our middle son, Wyatt, who seemed to accept most of the responsibility of Jes.  I felt the stress was too much on everyone so I reluctantly gave up my job and went back to 100% housewife and mother.  As I have written before I have never regretted the decision to be the house keeper and primary care giver of my sons, I love them all with all my heart and still today, with my oldest (legally) grown and my middle closer to 16 than 15  and little bit coming bumping up against 5 I would not exchange one diaper, tear, fit, stomach bug, hand to hold, face to kiss and a good bye hug anytime we part for any kind of "freedom".  I have raised 2 really good boys and Jesse is coming up fast and his outcome looks golden. As much as I love them, the rub is...I didn't sign up to do it alone.  Most days I am so overwhelmed that life is a blur and I rarely get to enjoy it. 

What got my goat this morning is;  I have been sick for close to a week...lot of stomach pain....I didn't go to church today... I felt that bad...yet, Doug slept until 10:30 came down to eat...went back upstairs and stayed there until about a half hour before he leaving to visit his parents...I could tell he had no plans to take Jesse with him when he asked him what he wanted to do...it is rare Jesse will choose to part with me...and Doug knows it.

I feel so stretched by everyones needs...and Jesse has the habit of asking for something else before I got the first thing finished

The boys were at a church baptism and picnic...they had been gone since Jordy's End of Summer party yesterday....Literally everything with the acceptation of making the money and distributing the bills is on me...I have to wonder if due to the stress could the pain be an ulcer?  I guess if it is not better by the time I chose a physician I will be finding out soon enough...I want to be a great wife and even better mother....I suppose under my aggravation love still lives...

I love This Song

First time I heard it was on a television show called Freaks and Geeks.  I bought the CD the next day....

Box of Rain

The Grateful Dead

Click here for song

Look out of any window, any morning, any evening, any day. 

Maybe the sun is shining, birds are singing, 

No rain is falling from a heavy sky. 

What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 

For this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago. 

Walk out of any doorway, feel your way, feel your way like the day before. 

Maybe you'll find direction, 

Around some corner where it's been waiting to meet you. 

What do you want me to do, to watch for you while you are sleeping?

The please don't be surprised when you find me dreaming too. 

Look into any eyes you find by you, you can see clear to another day,

Maybe been seen before, through other eyes on other days while going home. 

What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 

It's all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago. 

Walk into splintered sunlight, 

Inch your way through dead dreams to another land. 

Maybe you're tired and broken, 

Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear 

What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 

A box of rain will ease the pain, and love will see you through. 

Just a box of rain, wind and water 

Believe it if you need it, if you don't, just pass it on 

Sun and shower, wind and rain 

In and out the window like a moth before a flame 

And it's just a box of rain, I don't know who put it there, 

Believe it if you need it, or leave it if you dare. 

And it's just a box of rain, or a ribbon for your hair; 

Such a long long time to be gone, and a short time to be there.

I Flipped a U

I don't know about you, but life is not always the proverbial bowl of cherries. We all have goals, wishes, and desires. Sometimes those things come to fruition and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the result is the direct consequence of what we have either done or not done. On the other hand, the result is often due to circumstances we either don't understand or over which we have little control. We often perceive the disappointments as personal failures. We internalize those feelings and end up feeling frustrated, angry, and depressed. If these emotions are not soon checked, the emptiness inside grows, the sun doesn't shine quite as brightly, and there is seldom a moment when we aren't ruminating over every detail of the situation. Self- doubt exponentially rises. Confidence wanes. You are embarrassed and don't want to discuss it. After all, no one really understands.*

I was surprised when I ran across this article.  Although the bulk of it didn't pertain to me, the first paragraph did.  I have spent so much time lately feeling my pain and justifying my thoughts because of it.  I don't think many of the people who have hurt me have done it intentionally...I do have trouble though, with the fact, I have more than once brought my pain of exclusion to the attention of others and it goes ignored...What I have discovered is that it shouldn't matter.  I should be mature enough to look at my life and be grateful that it is full.  I have a nice home on a very private lot...a husband who adores me, 3 healthy sons and a couple of friends who despite my deficiencies has not left my side.  Why do I feel so excluded when I am embraced by the people who truly matter?

I am trying to get myself past the hurt....After all, why am I so hurt? I expected more from a group of people than they could deliver...who's bad is that? I want to find myself again....the Sheron that I liked...the one that saw beyond imperfection and gave love rather than demand it....I truly hope she still lives...that this selfish, why not me impostor has not driven her fully from existence.
I have been fighting so long trying to break into the inner circle that I have forgotten that my relationship with God and my desire to know and please Him is why I go enter into a church building....In many ways I am glad I was unsuccessful in my quest.  If I somehow would have made the cut and was truly grafted into the "family", I would have been happy for a while, but because I was willing to trade a true relationship with my creator for earthly love and acceptance I was endangering my soul...much like one does for worldly gain.

I am taking the month off from my church and I am really seeking God for a change... I have made apologies to God and I have asked him to guide me in this quest to become the woman he wants me to be...to put aside the desire to be grafted into a family that I have no right to try to be in...I don't know if my path will lead back to RLF or if God has something else in mind for me....All I can do at this point is put my trust where it should have been in the first place and pour out my love to those who want it and love me for me....
~Feeling confused but hopeful

*First paragraph was taken from
http://www.extremeultrarunning.com/Dealing.htm

Preach it Marilyn....

What Does Not Kill Us Makes Us Stronger

….I guess that rides along side with what hurt we survive makes us a better person???

I don't know who came up with this stuff, but we all have been through things…just another cliche to get through life…

I have been through many hardships at a young age. I was not only abandoned by my dad but also my step father.   I was not even 27 when my formally estranged father died suddenly of congestive heart failure at the age of 56….just as we were getting to know each other again.  I was 33 when my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer…she surveyed four months before she left the world…I was not brave enough to stay till the end.  Although I had made plans to journey back the 1000 miles between CNY and West Georgia, I went home for a funeral instead.  That is something I have to deal with almost daily. I was 34 and my beloved mother was only 62….Fortunately the death of our mother brought me and my siblings even closer.

The move to NY in 2000 was devastating to me and my young sons but God sent me an angel by the name of Paula Welsh that made the transition easier… I thought I was gaining a family in my in laws but instead I found even more loneliness….leaving me to search for love and acceptance through friends…trying to and failing at being grafted into "family" left me angry and envious….

I laid in bed this morning realizing how I must forgive the recent as well as the past transgressions in my life…one by one I got the faces into focus and through prayer I forgave each person and each incident….I think the latest punch in the stomach was the hardest to forgive, but I was successful and I have found it is not the hurt or the loss that in fact makes one stronger, it is the forgiveness we can give through the love of Christ.  Through him I can forgive and heal….including the things I have done to hurt myself…through him I can over come and become a healthier person, though him I can ask forgiveness for myself as well as the grace to forgive others….I'm not an angel….although I try to avoid it I know I have hurt others and I hope and pray I can also be forgiven for my transgressions.  We can go through heartache, pain and loss, but it has been my discovery it is not the situation, but the reaction that makes or brakes us...

Over my 13 years here I have gained a handful of close friends, lost a my relationship with Keri (although I believe it was Jesse she really loved and not necessarily me)…been hurt countless times by people who were suppose to care for me….I lost to death my two good friends…The Brawners….first Brother Jesse and a few years later Willie Jewel. Losing Willie was especially hard, she was like the church mom/grandmother. She was a gentle God fearing woman who found joy in instructing the younger generation…..she kept me covered in prayer even through my transition to New York until her death about 5 years ago….I am blessed with a few forever friends that live in Georgia.  My Pastor's wife Carla Patrick, my friends Ann Arnold and Marie Brock as well as my friend and little "brother" in Pennsylvania, Brian Smetana they will forever hold a place in my heart although absent from each other's day to day lives. My brother, Bill is to be married in October adding another sister in my life… 

I have also battled and won breast cancer, which opened a new chapter in my life adding a midlife child to our family, Jesse. He brings a special something that was missing although I wonder if he has ADD... I seen AJ grow into manhood....watched Wyatt as he became a wonderful teenager. And I am still married to the love love of my life…27 years and counting…living with him since he was 21 and we just celebrated his 50th birthday.  My Life…The Good, The Bad and The Ugly….I am grateful for everyday I have spent here on planet earth...

What a Difference

Four Years Makes....


When Jesse was about 6 months old we took the boys to Old Forge NY for a family get away...we returned this past July and had a wonderful time...a break our family needed...

Summer 2009

Summer 2013

As anyone can see my boys have grown up beautifully...Doug is virtually the same.....

Here is MY Dilemma

Picture from Cami Shaper Official Site

As the other post states I ordered the Product Cami Shaper....They came yesterday....so I must have been wrong in accusing CS of lying about the shipment.  I do have a bad taste in my mouth toward the company and how Customer service is ran.   My choices are....Take leap, try the product and if I hate them return them. If I don't like them absorb the shipping charges to return or exchange for another size. Or waver on the safe side refuse shipment (take them unopened to the post office) and have my credit card help me with the charges.  I have read numerous bad reviews sprinkled with a few rave reviews...
I am not expecting a miracle...my concerns are not that I won't look 2 sizes smaller...I really don't expect that...what I'm afraid of is the cami will ride up or there will not be enough support (I wear a D Cup).

Decisions decisions....

As Seen On TV....

Cami Shaper....

This is not normally my type of post...The site I placed my review on has me as awaiting Moderation...so hoping by writing and advertising through Facebook and google my story and research may get out there and help anyone else who is concerned with this company....

My story…please bear with me….Cami Shaper

I saw the TV commercial and thought they looked pretty cool and only being moderately over weight, a few flaws from having children and aging I thought the concept might work well for me. I go online and start the order process but hesitated. I decided to look up review for the product and found a very favorable review...Cami Shaper Review- Don’t buy before reading http://camishaperreviews.org.
This review that swayed my purchase. I chose the original colors and was offered a second set at 25% off when I declined I was offered 50% a second set and chose to accept. I think I gave my credit card information before I was bombarded with offers to buy more product…that was not a problem for me…After placing the order I get a message saying to confirm my order and receive a 50.00 Walmart card to call (800) 835-1082….that threw up a red flag. I didn’t have time to call yesterday so I did so today and surprise surprise it was only to sell a service for 1.99 (Sorry I cannot remember what the service was for). I declined and I was told he couldn’t find my order that I need to call Cami Shaper with questions. I proceeded to argue with him and the response was their data base is down is why he can’t find my number. I call the customer service and the customer service agent G60 really had no answers to why they made it appear I was getting a gift card but it turns out I get it with strings attached…and she said I needed to call the number above back about the problem.After finding many bad reviews at http://www.asseenontvonsale.com/clothing/cami-shaper/  I’m freaking out and call Cami Shaper customer service back and tell them I want to cancel my order and I was told by customer service agent G92 that it already shipped and it cannot be canceled…bear in mind I placed the order yesterday…I ask to speak to a supervisor and after being on hold for about 10 min I left a callback number. I was surprised to receive a call back by agent G08…which again I was told I could’t cancel. But informed that I should try the product if I don't like it I will only have to pay return shipping. I asked for a physical address to the company (so I would have a way to report to BBB) and she said there was only a PO BOX…after speaking to 3 agents it is the customer service is obviously outsourced so maybe she didn’t have the address.
It is very hard to find any information on the company but after a bit of investigation I found on THEIR website that the company is Tristar Products…doing a websearch for Tristar I find out this information:

Corporate Office
492 U.S. 46, Fairfield, NJ 07004
1-973-575-5400
1-973-575-6708 (FAX)
infotp@tristarproductsinc.com

Administrative Office
2620 Westview Drive, Wyomissing, PA 19610
It says:

Customer Service
For all product inquiries, please contact
Customer Service Manager at:
1-973-575-5400 x 112
But when called I am asked to hang up and call 973-287-5100 which is the number I received the call back form Cami Shaper Supervisor…after that I did use the extension number and leave a message…I have yet to hear back
Anyone who has had bad dealings with them I feel it would be a good idea to over whelm the company with calls to the 

Customer Service Manager at:
1-973-575-5400 x 112
or
write Tri Star Products 492 U.S. 46, Fairfield, NJ 07004

There are steps to take…one contact your credit card company or bank and ask for assistance in getting your money refunded…It may take paperwork but it is worth the time…Watch your account and as soon as you see you are billed contact your finical company.
If like me you, have reason to believe you not want to do business with this company do not accept shipment or return it to your local USPS..they will sent it back at no charge if the package has not been opened.

PLEASE TAKE THE TIME AND REPORT TO BBB!!!!!
Here is the Better Business Bureau Review for Tristar Productshttp://www.bbb.org/new-jersey/Business-Reviews/commercial-products-wholesale-and-distributor/tristar-products-in-fairfield-nj-29001832#reasonratingTristar had a D rating on a scale from A+ to F.

Aging...When Did That Happen?

I'm not doing it gracefully. I'm struggling.  For some reason my age is depressing me. I don't know why…I guess because I realize that the best years of my life are over and now I am heading for the last chapter…which holds little excitement…I see myself change, I feel myself slowing down...It just kinda slipped up on me...all of a sudden I am 47.  On a slippery slope to 50.  I need to re learn how to enjoy life...I need something to look forward to. 

At least I have my mate who wants to grow old with me...a home to run, a small child to raise a nearly grown son who still needs me and an adult child who, at times, still enjoys my company.  Growing old is inevitable, the only way to stop it is to die and I have to say I am even less ready for that than I am old age.

I'm just feeling lonely today....I have been sick with a rather nasty cold the last couple of days.  Today is the first day I have been awake and functional.  Poor Jesse was cared for, but just necessities.  He sat on the couch with me while I slept and when a Netflix show ended he would wake me to start a new one.
Today I feel uncertain about our future.  Jesse starts Pre K in the Fall but it is only half days and not enough time to find work....I have heard of part time but I cannot think of anywhere that would hire me for 2.5 hours a week day.  I like being the stay at home mom...and eventually just a housewife...but at the same time I would like to bring an income into the house just to help make it stretch to the next week.  It has to be hard to work as many hours as Doug does and have nothing to show for it. He was really down when he went to bed today...

Get a Life Already!

Not my Bakery

I very close friend asked me to play a game with her called Bakery Story.  I hesitated to do so mainly because I am a recovering Mafia War addict and I know from experience how something that appears to be so simple has the ability to consume large quantities of my time.  I reluctantly chose to get the app and make her my neighbor.  Here I sit on level 41 with 50 some neighbors a number of stoves cooing continuously to feed all the imaginary people who wonder through my doors (yes, I added a second door and cash register to accommodate the flow of traffic). One of the last things I do at night is start my food for the next day.  Carefully calculating cooking time so it is ready without any spoilage when I rise. On the flip side I find one of the first things I do in the morning is going into my bakery and serving up the food before it gathers flies...
This evening I received a message on my bakery wall (from someone I must have neighbor requested) telling me she is only friends with a person who can meet her demands. What she called a quality neighbor...
1. To tip and gift daily
2. To fill requests for building materials
3. You must write on her wall daily.
I thought that was rather strange and replied that I do 2 out of three...I regularly practice rule 1 and 2 but with over 50 neighbors I don't have the time to post notes to every wall.  That is what the news board is for to see who gifted and tipped you...
I got a few replies from her basically telling me that she too has over 50 neighbors and she makes it a point to not only note her neighbors but anyone who visits her bakery.  I have come to the conclusion that she is A) a 11 year old whose whole life is wrapped up in a Storm8 game. B) She don't have the responsibilities that I do as a homemaker, wife and mother. Or, C) She is just crazy.
Whatever the reasons her heart or her shoes I don't think I am going to lose sleep over being a subpar Bakery Story player...
After writing this last night I have chosen to give up both games....hoping to devote that time to something that matters...

It's Not Supposed to Be That Way

By Waylon Jennings

It's not supposed to be that way 

you're supposed to know I love you

But it don't matter anyway if I can't be there to control you

And like the other little children you're gonna dream a dream or two

But be careful what you're dreamin' or soon your dreams'll be dreamin' you

It's not supposed to be that way you're supposed to know I love you

But it don't matter anyway if I can't be there to console you

You go out to play this evenin' play with fire flies till they're goneThen you rush to meet your lover play with real fire till the dawn

It's not supposed to be that way...

you're supposed to know I love you

But it don't matter anyway if I can't be there to control you

Song Performed By Willie Nelson

Happy Birthday AJ

...Today marks the birth of my eldest son, AJ.  He was born at 2:30 pm on Easter Sunday 1992.

Words cannot describe how proud I am of him and how much I cherish him.

Happy Birthday Al Jay

Although you are 21 and I am no longer liable for you legally...I hope you know I'll always have your back...

A Biker and a Housewife Walk Into a Bar.....

Wait...you probably heard that one already....

The writers of this show (sons of anarchy) have given Jax a strange sensitivity that I believe many people have in common. Often the opening monologue has something I can relate to, this one in particular.

"It's hard not to hate. People, things, institutions. They break your spirit and take pleasure in watching you bleed. Hate is the only thing that makes sense. But I know what hate does to a man: tears him apart, turns him into something he's not -- something he promised himself he'd never become. That's what I need to tell you: To let you know how hard I'm trying not to cave under the weight of all the awful things I feel in my heart. Sometimes my life feels like a deadly balancing act, what I feel slamming up against what I should do. Impulsive reactions, racing to solutions, miles ahead of my brain. When I look at my day, I realize that most of it was spent cleaning up the damage of the day before. In that life, I have no future. All I have is distraction. I buried my best friend three days ago, and as cliché as this sounds, I left a part of me in that box -- a part I barely knew, a part I'll never see again. Every day is a new box, boys. You open it, you take a look at what's inside. You're the one who determines if it's a gift or a coffin."
— Jackson Teller
Sons of Anarchy, Orca Shrugged

Can You See Me Now?

I think having poor vision is just a human condition whether it has to do with physical eyesight or a life style of poor choices.
Recently I bought a new pair of glasses and the last few weeks of wearing them I realize I really can't see very well.   Out of frustration and literally looking down my nose to see my computer, I pulled my old pair out of hiding and wallah I can see.  I do have a recheck appointment when I take my little one for his eye exam.

As for poor judgement, yea, I have had that too.  They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but for me I seem to learn something new about myself everyday.  Things I want to change, things I need to change and things I do not have the power to change.  I need to modify how I spend my time.  I need less time the on computer and more with Jesse.  He starts pre k in the fall and our leisurely days will be at an end. Having a son about to turn 21 and a younger one just turned 15 in January, I know all to well how time with my children evaporates like a summer rain puddle.

I have discovered how important love is.  How much I love my family and how much I need their love in return. I have spent the last 10 years searching for love that I lost when I left Georgia and after I buried my mom.  I guess you could say I looked for a surrogate family in all the right places, but my expectations were not met not even by my husbands family.  I have finally resigned to the fact that kin is kin and friends are friends.  You can love them as part of your family but that doesn't mean you will be loved back...I have my husband who has shown his love true, my sons who have so much of my heart I am surprised there is anything left to give, my sibs in Georgia we always have each others backs and there is few greater feelings than to know you are loved unconditionally by someone you have known your entire life.

As for me, my mission is love.  I want to love generously and without prejudice.  There are plenty of opportunities to reach out to the lonely everywhere in the world, but there seems to be a special darkness over Central New York unlike anything I have felt before.  I don't understand why I am here...but it's time to stop longing and bloom right here where I am planted.

Human

By Manafest

Hey, I never said I was an angel, no
I never said I wouldn’t break down, yeah
Beside myself, living in a cold cell
Don’t shut me out

Yeah, you look at me like I’m a stranger
Yeah, you make me feel like I betrayed you
Don’t leave me stranded,
As I reach out my hand

'Cause I wear my heart on my sleeve
If you cut me I’ll bleed
I know I cannot erase
Every mistake that I’ve made

I never said I was an angel, no
I never said I wouldn’t break down
But life keeps on moving
By now you should know

I’m only human
Hey, hey, hey
I’m only human
Hey, hey, hey

Hey, got any grace for a failure?
'Cause I’m feeling like I failed you
Yeah, I lashed out, digging up my past
O, I know let you down, yeah
O, I’m still fighting for the future
Yeah, 'cause I never wanna lose you

I’ll keep on climbing
If you’re on my side

'Cause I wear my heart on my sleeve
If you cut me I’ll bleed
I know I cannot erase
Every mistake that I’ve made

I never said I was an angel, no
I never said I wouldn’t break down
But life keeps on moving
By now you should know

I’m only human
Hey, hey, hey
I’m only human
Hey, hey, hey

I know I’m breaking your heart
Every storm that tears us apart
I know I’m to blame for all the damage
I’ve done

But you know that I’m ready to take the fall

I never said I was angel
I never said I wouldn’t break down

'Cause I wear my heart on my sleeve
If you cut me I’ll bleed
I know I cannot erase
Every mistake that I’ve made

I never said I was an angel, no
I never said I wouldn’t break down
But life keeps on moving
By now you should know

I’m only human
Hey, hey, hey
I’m only human
Hey, hey, hey

I’m only human
Hey, hey, hey
I’m only human

VIDEO