Tattoos and chivalry. A delicious combination.

— Agent Stahl - Sons of Anarchy

Stuck in Neutral?

I never did much with my life.  The younger years I lived for the day, figured the future would play itself out without any help from me.  Was satisfied with simplicity.  Working in a sock factory on production pay was just fine as long as I brought home a few hundred dollars a week I had all the money I needed.  As a high school drop out I never really thought more of higher education.  That was for a higher class than I was in...People with professional parents or rich grandparents.  My mom had a good job she hated with Bell South, it took every cent she made to support us.  If she ever saw money from Daddy's business we never knew.  all I witnessed was gambling, drinking and occasional abuse.My brother, Bill took the brunt of it. He moved out as soon as it was possible for him to live on his own, My sister started working at 16, between that and her social life she managed to make her escape.  A situation like this, being the youngest child was not optimal.  Mom finally had enough and made our final escape when I was 16.  I think the fact I had gotten involved with a 21 year old man prompted her to go. Buck Key (no I didn't make it up).  My best friend was popping out babies of his nephew, that is how we met...through Theresa.  My mom saved me.  She saw something bigger in me than Lithia Springs Georgia, married to a kind drunk with no ambition.
My mom remarried to an ex friend of my dads.  He seemed to be everything she missed.  Everything I missed.  He eventually chose the bottle and abandoned us.    I still married young...not sixteen. After our escape to Villa Rica I kissed too many frogs and met my husband at eighteen and took his name at 19.  According to statistics, too young, and my marriage was doomed to failure.  Twenty seven years and and three sons later we have seemed to beat those odds...I have struggled with self doubt and loathing most of my life... I believe my youth has played a big role in shaping who I am.  I can pinpoint places in my life that influenced my outcome.  Thirty years later I take responsibility for my life and the choices both good and bad really don't have any connective tissue to my my two abandoning dads.  Doug, for the most part has been a good husband.  He wanted a housewife and I eagerly took that position.  Through the years I have worked the odd job, got my GED and have some technical training under my belt.  But I always seem to come back to this.  The role of a house wife.  The last time started in 2008 when being pregnant at 42 took too much out of me to continue working at the local hardware store.  Between cost of living, gas prices and too many medical bills we have struggled financially especially the last two years. Tax breaks Bush gave us are at and end.  I wonder just how much longer middle class can exist?
I guess the grass is always greener.  Right now my 9 bucks an hour gig at Walmart looks pretty good, although with Doug's schedule there is no room for me to work.  a couple years ago I tried working weekends and it put more stress on him than helped financially. Time away from the kids as well as taking some of  their freedom, it was doomed to fail.  I have to deal with the fact until Jesse starts school, we are just going to have to make due.  Still trying to figure out what to do is difficult. Medical cuts I am not sure I want to pursue Phlebotomy  or Dental Hygiene. I have recently had an interest in paralegal.  Apparently filling out an application to college is not my strong suite.  Wasn't denied, just somehow it was incomplete.  Looking into the work force nearing 50 is scary enough without getting into debt for school. 
When I look at my life and I realize that I am completely dependent on another human being, even though it is one I love and trust, it scares the hell out of me.  Everything I own, every cent I spend, the food I consume, clothes, medical and housing, literally everything it takes to survive is provided by my husband.  There was a time I was cool with that.  I had the whole June Cleaver thing going.  My job was to keep the house,cook the meals, raise the kids and keep my man happy.  Which I have done with excellence most of my adult life. I don't know why I am so unsatisfied.  Why do I feel stuck in neutral?

How Did I Get Here....

....and where is the exit?

Feeling trapped in my circumstances and feeling guilty for feeling trapped...Jesse turns 4 in just over a month, while I long for the day he starts school I mourn for the days past, the baby and toddler years that I took for granted in the mist of depression.  I have spent the last years only getting by.  I thought the worst was behind me, but the vicious cycle of anxiety coupled with depression is hitting my spirit like a cold rain.  I don't want Jesse to grow up too fast, I want to treasure these irreplaceable months I have left with him home with me where I am the center of his world and at the same time I want my freedom...round and round it goes and I am unable to enjoy anything. Sucking just enough joy from my life to keep me breathing.  I feel like a hypocrite going to church knowing that I am this unhappy in my life, knowing the only time I spend with God is in that pew.  I never wanted to be a Sunday Christian...Every week I promise myself this next week will be better...week after week I fail.  

The way I see it... when you reach the end of your rope you but 3 choices 1) tie a knot and hang yourself  2) Hang on until all your strength is gone and you are forced to release 3) Simply let go, fall into the arms of Jesus and let God sort it out....why is it, for me, number three is usually doesn't happen until I have tried the second option?....Even after complete exhaustion I still have trouble letting go...my hands are sore, bruised and blistered but I keep my grip....
Something has got to give....looks like that something is me....I just can't seem to get my head around the how to do it....

What is it with guys and poop? I would assume it was some kind of defect with mine, but I have over heard other, even older gents that seem to be very proud of what they produce...Wyatt will tell anyone it is time to "drop a deuce" and there was a time AJ would text a picture of an "Epic One" the way I would a picture of them of a craft project... I have to admit...they make me laugh...but ewwww.....

Great American Smoke Out

It's Up to Me...

It's my choice I can sit and be miserable in my circumstances or I can change my attitude...the circumstances are not going to change...Jesse will be home with me until next Fall at the earliest.  I can choose to settle in and be happy in the life that I picked to live (housewife and mother) and bless the ones I love or continue in self abuse over what I can't be or can't help with.  I think I am going to deal with the fact I cannot do everything, instead, do what I can...Tighten up the belt and figure creative ways to make a dime from a nickel, keep the home fabulous, cook yummy meals and educate Jesse....Mondays are my day off unless I have to keep an appointment the day will be earmarked to spend time with Doug and preschool  3- 4 mornings a week. I'm all set up with Crayola, Play Doh, colored pencils, work sheets, tons of books and Before Five in a Row.
My hope is to find happiness that I have been missing instead of grasping at ghosts and impossible goals to fill my desires....

Sad Songs Say So Much

I Would Have Loved You Anyway
Trisha Yearwood

If I'd known the way that this would end
If I'd read the last page first
If I'd had the strength to walk away
If I'd  known how this would hurt...
 

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I would've loved you anyway

It's bittersweet to look back now
At memories withered on the vine
But just to hold you close to me
For a moment in time...

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I would've loved you anyway

And even if I'd seen it coming
You'd still've seen me running
Straight into your arms

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I would've loved you anyway
I would've loved you anyway

Video

I did It Again? Really?

After another slip, a tearful evening and feeble prayers I looked for a little incite. I ran across this article. Does it help? Not much, but at least I know I am not alone... I have such a long way to go....

Struggling with Habitual Sin

Published November 8th, 2006 in Romans: Living the Christian Life

I wasn’t looking forward to Sunday night at all. I was faced with one of those passages that I felt if I said anything about, God would strike me dead in a flash.
The passage was Romans 7:14-25 where Paul talks about how he struggles with all sorts of things he doesn’t want to do, but ends up doing them anyway. Habitual sins is what we call these things - stuff that we know is wrong but for whatever reason we seemed powerless to stop doing them.
Habitual sins make us feel dirty and worthless. Paul exclaims at one point, “What a wretched man I am!” But it is important to realise here that Paul is expressing his frustration at his inability to beat sin in his own strength. It is not an expression of the truth, for Paul was not worthless or wretched, but a man loved by God. All through the Bible, and in many of Paul’s own letters, the fact that God loves us and thought so much of us that he went to great lengths to restore his relationship with us, is a recurring theme.
In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Paul calls each of us a temple of the Holy Spirit. God’s Spirit dwells within us in a way that is difficult to understand, but in a way that illuminates some of the areas of our life that god is working on. Simply being aware of the sin that we know shouldn’t be there is a sign that slowly but surely, God is working in us. If he wasn’t, we wouldn’t know these things were wrong and we wouldn’t worry about it anyway.
The reason I felt so scared about speaking on this passage was that I struggle with these things like anybody else. In fact, I don’t think I’ve met anybody who hasn’t - those that say they don’t, struggle with the habitual sin of lying! But somehow we must be able to live, and grow, in our faith while battling the things we don’t want to do. Here’s what I suggested would help:

1. Commit yourself for the long term (Heb 10:36, 12:1)
Sadly, we don’t beat habitual sin overnight. It takes a long time, and we need to accept that. Christianity is a life long calling, a life of being shaped and refined as part of the unfolding story of God in the world. We can’t just give up when things go wrong or when we make mistakes. When you fall, stand right back up, dust yourself down and keep going! Perseverance is the key.
2. Keep doing God’s work (2 Tim 4:2)
It still astounds me that God uses people like us (ok, people like me) to do his stuff. It will probably take me all eternity to get my mind around that. But that’s the way it is.
One of the most insidious parts of habitual sin is that it can paralyse us and stop us fulfilling what God is calling us to do. We stop serving, and listen to all the voices whispering in our ears saying that we’re not worthy of God’s love.
However Paul encourages Timothy to be prepared to teach both in season and out of season.  In season when, Timothy is feeling motivated and enthusiastic, and out of season when he can’t see the point and feels like God is far off. Keep serving God!
This is not a hypocritical thing (hypocrites don’t care that they are living a double life) but rather a life of integrity that acknowledges the struggles and invites others to share the journey.
Doing God’s work can also help replace bad habits. Doing God’s work means we are forced to pray to seek wisdom and help; we’re forced to look more intently at God’s word to find out what it really means in our context; we’re forced to meditate on what God is doing in our midst. As we do, these things become habits and slowly replace the stuff we’ve trying to get rid of for years.
3. Enlist some help (John 13:34-35)
We can’t do this alone. It takes a combined effort with God and others.
Jesus told us to love each other in the same way that he loved us. Obviously we can’t forgive each others sin in the same way God does, but we can help carry each others burdens and keep each other accountable.
Simply knowing that somebody is going to ask how you’ve been going with a certain area of your life is often enough to change things dramatically. If you haven’t already, get an accountability partner, a small group or just ask a friend or family member to help you out.
Don’t think you can beat habitual sin by yourself. You can’t.
4. Remember God loves you (Romans 5:8)
Through all of it, never forget that God loves you. It doesn’t matter what you’re struggling with, how long you’ve struggled with it, how many times you’ve made mistakes or even how many times you’ll do it again in the future. God still loves you.
Paul says earlier in Romans, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
I don’t know why God loves us that much, but he does.
Draw comfort from that, and keep living your Christian life.

Milestones

A.J. on his first election Day

Face it as a mother of a 20 year old there are very few "firsts" I have left to witness with my beloved elder son.  Today we went together to vote in the Presidential election.  I know it sounds silly to want to mark the moment...but I did...here is my son on his very first election day...

Election Day

It is no secret that I am not a fan of President Obama.  I actually cried when he took the title of Commander and Chief.  Although I am not in love with Mitt Romney, I once again find myself casting a vote for who I feel is the best of the two evils.  As the day unfolds into night (or maybe tomorrow morning) I will watch as the future of our country unfolds and we get an official count on who our country chooses to believe is the best person for the job....

What I see is telling me this worlds going crazy But what is real says God's still on His throne What I'll need is to remember one thing That the Lord of the gentle breeze is Lord of the rough and tumble And He is the King of the Jungle
~Steven Curtis Chapman