I never did much with my life. The younger years I lived for the day, figured the future would play itself out without any help from me. Was satisfied with simplicity. Working in a sock factory on production pay was just fine as long as I brought home a few hundred dollars a week I had all the money I needed. As a high school drop out I never really thought more of higher education. That was for a higher class than I was in...People with professional parents or rich grandparents. My mom had a good job she hated with Bell South, it took every cent she made to support us. If she ever saw money from Daddy's business we never knew. all I witnessed was gambling, drinking and occasional abuse.My brother, Bill took the brunt of it. He moved out as soon as it was possible for him to live on his own, My sister started working at 16, between that and her social life she managed to make her escape. A situation like this, being the youngest child was not optimal. Mom finally had enough and made our final escape when I was 16. I think the fact I had gotten involved with a 21 year old man prompted her to go. Buck Key (no I didn't make it up). My best friend was popping out babies of his nephew, that is how we met...through Theresa. My mom saved me. She saw something bigger in me than Lithia Springs Georgia, married to a kind drunk with no ambition.
My mom remarried to an ex friend of my dads. He seemed to be everything she missed. Everything I missed. He eventually chose the bottle and abandoned us. I still married young...not sixteen. After our escape to Villa Rica I kissed too many frogs and met my husband at eighteen and took his name at 19. According to statistics, too young, and my marriage was doomed to failure. Twenty seven years and and three sons later we have seemed to beat those odds...I have struggled with self doubt and loathing most of my life... I believe my youth has played a big role in shaping who I am. I can pinpoint places in my life that influenced my outcome. Thirty years later I take responsibility for my life and the choices both good and bad really don't have any connective tissue to my my two abandoning dads. Doug, for the most part has been a good husband. He wanted a housewife and I eagerly took that position. Through the years I have worked the odd job, got my GED and have some technical training under my belt. But I always seem to come back to this. The role of a house wife. The last time started in 2008 when being pregnant at 42 took too much out of me to continue working at the local hardware store. Between cost of living, gas prices and too many medical bills we have struggled financially especially the last two years. Tax breaks Bush gave us are at and end. I wonder just how much longer middle class can exist?
I guess the grass is always greener. Right now my 9 bucks an hour gig at Walmart looks pretty good, although with Doug's schedule there is no room for me to work. a couple years ago I tried working weekends and it put more stress on him than helped financially. Time away from the kids as well as taking some of their freedom, it was doomed to fail. I have to deal with the fact until Jesse starts school, we are just going to have to make due. Still trying to figure out what to do is difficult. Medical cuts I am not sure I want to pursue Phlebotomy or Dental Hygiene. I have recently had an interest in paralegal. Apparently filling out an application to college is not my strong suite. Wasn't denied, just somehow it was incomplete. Looking into the work force nearing 50 is scary enough without getting into debt for school.
When I look at my life and I realize that I am completely dependent on another human being, even though it is one I love and trust, it scares the hell out of me. Everything I own, every cent I spend, the food I consume, clothes, medical and housing, literally everything it takes to survive is provided by my husband. There was a time I was cool with that. I had the whole June Cleaver thing going. My job was to keep the house,cook the meals, raise the kids and keep my man happy. Which I have done with excellence most of my adult life. I don't know why I am so unsatisfied. Why do I feel stuck in neutral?
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