Monday, February 27, 2012

Is There Anything More Tempting than an Avocado?



I have been consuming at least 2 a week.  Made into guacamole with spices and light sour cream and served on a bed of butter lettuce.  I could so easily devour the other one in the kitchen, but that would defeat the purpose of dieting, exercising and reducing carbs....With the recent death of our elliptical tension motor, I have to be even more cautious of over indulgence. 

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Quarter Moon In a Ten Cent Town

Quarter Moon Over Morrisville



There he goes gone again
Same old story's gotta come to an end
Lovin' him was a one way street
But I'm gettin' off where the crossroads meet
It's a quarter moon in a ten cent town
Time for me to lay my heartaches down
Saturday night gonna make myself a name
Take a month of Sundays to try and explain

It's gonna be easy to fill
The heart of a thirsty woman
Harder to kill the ghost of a no good man
And I'll be ridin' high in a fandango sky
It's gonna be easy; It's gonna be easy from now on

Raw as whip but clean as a bone
Soft to touch when you take me home
When the mornin' comes and it's time for me to leave
Don't worry 'bout me, I got a wild card up my sleeve

It's gonna be easy to fill
The heart of a thirsty woman
Harder to kill the ghost of a no good man
And I'll be ridin' high in a fandango sky
It's gonna be easy, It's gonna be easy
It's gonna be easy from now on

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Feeling Better



A good nights sleep helped a lot.  I got to spend the day with Wyatt, Jesse, Pri and Zion.  Reality Check (The NY state youth movement against the marketing practices of the tobacco industry) gave Wyatt gift cards to purchase dress clothes he will need occasionally as part of the organization, the five of us spent the morning at Sangertown Mall.
Wyatt is a beautiful person.  He is kind hearted, loyal and openly affectionate. We spent time together watching Moneyball and eating Frosted Mini Wheats.  He has such a big part of my heart.
I guess it comes a time in everyone's life when hindsight kicks in.  Yes, I should have went to college when life was simpler, those years between marriage and AJ, but I didn't. At this point in my life, I don't see higher education as a option.  Money is the biggest factor and then there is Jesse.  If money was not in the equation online classes would be possible and maybe go to a physical school when Jesse begins his school career.  But I think what will happen is, he will start school and I will go back to a mindless job hopefully making more than minimum wage.  That used to be enough for me, just doing what I can and be the best at whatever that is that I am doing.  Wish I knew why I am so unsatisfied these days....
I miss Keri.  Still not 100 percent sure what happened...all I do know is it was not a pretty situation and I cannot let myself be that vulnerable to another human being. I guess blood is thicker than friendship.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Life.....



...the world has a way of continuing to spin no matter the challenges of the individual.  I'm tired tonight. Overwhelmed by thoughts and wonders. Too much work and not enough time to take care of everything and doing it well. As I watch my dreams fade into the mass of laundry, constant meal preparation and dirty dishes, I ponder on why I strive in this life of constant motion and disappointment.  I wonder what was my reason for existing? Was it only to bring my children into the world so they could reach a destiny of purpose?  I want to matter...I want to make a difference in this heartless world....think I need a good cry and and a hug....

Friday, February 17, 2012

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I love having a little boy again! Happy Valentines Day.

Hands Off???!!!

Chris, AJ and Ian


As a parent, anytime one of my kids need help or support, I want to rush in and be whatever it is that they need.  For some reason every effort I have tried to be there for my eldest has failed...I feel a sense that I should take the hands off approach with the money he needs for school.  I have tried everything I know to do to help him and none have panned out very well.  I have tried to find work, sell personal items and my sister has attempted a fund raiser to get the 4 grand he needs. I am feeling that I need to let go and let it be between God and AJ.  I feel it has to do with AJ's faith.....I will continue to be prayerful and obedient if something He asks me to do something well, then  I'll do my best to oblige.  Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all (?).

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Weekend Off



Weekend off...it was not planned...not much of the last few days have been.  A spur of the moment trip to the zoo, a visit with Pri on a Friday morning  or a trip to the grocery store that afternoon.
Because my knee was bothering me I decided to take Friday off from exercise...Saturday was busy (again unplanned) and today I woke with yet another headache and a bout of vertigo.  I completely gave into temptation devouring toll house cookies and french fries.
This is the first time in a very long time I have taken healthy eating and exercising seriously.  Yeah, I took the weekend off, but I am ready to get right back to it tomorrow morning.  Who knows the little break might actually help in the long run. Too many days of restricted calories and exercise can make a body rebel.  For tonight I am going to soak in a hot bath and treat myself to a pedicure and try to remember that health and vitality is as important as my clothing size.

 

Friday, February 10, 2012

Mere Human



Life is so crazy unpredictable.  I have still not mastered the fine are of trusting and fully depending on My Father.  In this crazy world of hurt and pain, it is comforting to have my God to trust. I cannot get my head around why he would want to be with us mere humans.  It is almost unbelievable that we could be formed in any image of Him.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I Should Have Been Reading



I have changes so much in the last 5 or so years.  I wish I could say for the better.  I have never been a huge Bible reader but for some reason, these days, I rarely pick it up.  I guess I have been to busy trying to take care of everything myself instead of praying for or reading about God's point of view.
One would  think running up a credit card, leaving my husband to pay the bill and watching a chunk of his salary going to pay for things that I can't even remember what was purchased would be enough for me to stop using credit, but it wasn't.  My goal is to stop using credit of any kind, credit card, Bill Me Later and especially bartering where I have to stretch out my services to repay a debt.  First step I am going to pray and ask the Lord's leading, forgive anyone indebted to me or my family.  Once that stone is released from my neck I hope to start a study on debt. What the Bible says about debt? And hopefully I will find instructions on how to get out of it.


Proverbs 22:7
The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower becomes the lender s slave.

21st Century  Translation:  When you borrow you become the lenders bitch....(Someone who gets treated with little respect and has to follow every order)

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Twenty-seven Years

Mother, Doug, Me and stepfather David  February 7, 1985

Doug and I married young.  I was barely 19 and he was 21.  We defeated the odds and we are still happily married 27 years and three sons later.  Not that we have not had or rough patches.  A couple of times I had my doubts we would make it.  I got the better end of the deal no doubt.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Obsessed or Something Like it....



Obsess: Preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent:
Infatuate: To inspire with unreasoning love or attachment.
Passionate: having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling
Crazy: Intensely enthusiastic; passionately excited


I have been, on occasion, labled as obsessed.  I was not sure (and I am still not) that I fit that description, so I looked it up. I found that on occasion my attachments can swerve toward obsession, but I think Infatuate is a bit closer.  For some reason the way my mind seems to work is I point my focus on one thing and devote myself to it until something more interesting steals my attention.
As far as I know I have always been this way...wired in the womb. But my first infatuation was I was around eight years old and it was cowboys.  Most of the shows were ones my mom liked and reruns like The Lone Ranger, Gene Autry, The Cisco Kid and my all time favorite Alias Smith and Jones.  Around 11 I traded in the 6 gun for a blaster when I devoted the next few years to Star Wars.  In my mind I could invest myself in any new world.  I was not like the girls in my grade.  I never thought romantically about any of the characters.  I was in love with them all and wanted to be part of  the story, brave and willing to risk myself to protect the innocent....As I grew older things like Dukes of Hazard and BJ and the Bear took my thoughts.  I was about thirteen and yes, my admiration was a little less than innocent.  I adored Denver Pile and truly wished Uncle Jesse was my grandpa. As I grew closer toward adulthood my focus changed to boys and then men. I met Doug and he literally took me out of this world.  He was my only focus for several years.Then AJ took the spotlight, Followed by Wyatt.  Star Wars was reintroduced into my life and that spun my imagination into overdrive The anticipation of two more films kept me busy.  Then my love affair with Lord of the Rings. The beauty behind those stories overwhelmed my mind. Then I met "The Boy Who Lived" I had seen a few of the movies, but in 2007 in anticipation of Book 7, I read The Half Blood Prince.  That was all she wrote (no pun intended) I was in love.  After the release of The Deathly Hallows, I went back and read the first five editions.
Crazy? Maybe, but in many ways my imagination rescued me from real life and possibly saved my life.
My latest infatuation is with a TV series Son's of Anarchy.  I can lose myself in that show and at times have to remind myself they are not real people.  Lately it has been the center of my thoughts.  Intrigued by the end of season four, I have gone back and re watched the first 2 seasons and I am about to pop open season three that I got for my birthday.
I do have outside interest other than books and Hollywood. For a time after the birth of Jesse, Mafia Wars, online friends and Webkinz ruled my life. What I thought was my escape became a prison of my own making.  It took years for me to break free. Setting limits and forcing separations, I am finally in control of my computer use. This benefits all of us because I have more time for the people I cherish and have time to seek other interests.
For a spell Cake decorating had taken my focus.  Classes, videos, television, websites and books....constantly wanting to learn something new.  I have sold a few cakes and given many away.  My love for buttercream cost me 12 lbs on the scales. I bartered 100.00 in baking for an elliptical...so you guessed it.  My new infatuation is fitness.  Weighing food and counting calories.  Using the new machine and body weight exercises to undo what I have done to myself.  Every time I step on the Elliptical and sweat out another workout I am focused on my family.  Knowing I am making choices the benefit them as much as myself.  I have the energy to play with Jesse. I have the stamina to keep the house cleaner and the desire to make sure the boys have healthier food choices and balanced nutritional meals.

I am concerned for my spiritual life.  For some reason I can't point my focus on God.  I try.  I pray even when it feels forced and I try to read from the Bible or a book on Christian living daily.  I regularly read Bible stories to Jesse and use Biblical examples in life lessons.  But I don't have the same drive, passion, obsession or infatuation I have for other things.  It really bothers me that I don't and I don't know how to fix it.  I can put aside the time I spend on other things and focus on Him, but my thoughts seem to wonder whenever I try to do that.  I hear a song in my head from one of Jesse's TV programs.  "Keep Trying, Keep Trying, Don't give up never give up"....I guess as long as the desire is there...I am not lost.

Obsessed, Infatuated, Passionate, Crazy....whatever the label....I am just me...I am finally starting to like the person I am.

**My husband just walked over and handed me a package. I thought it was a replacement cell phone battery, but to my joyous surprise it was a SAMCRO tee shirt from my brother.  Man I miss him.