....and where is the exit?
Feeling trapped in my circumstances and feeling guilty for feeling trapped...Jesse turns 4 in just over a month, while I long for the day he starts school I mourn for the days past, the baby and toddler years that I took for granted in the mist of depression. I have spent the last years only getting by. I thought the worst was behind me, but the vicious cycle of anxiety coupled with depression is hitting my spirit like a cold rain. I don't want Jesse to grow up too fast, I want to treasure these irreplaceable months I have left with him home with me where I am the center of his world and at the same time I want my freedom...round and round it goes and I am unable to enjoy anything. Sucking just enough joy from my life to keep me breathing. I feel like a hypocrite going to church knowing that I am this unhappy in my life, knowing the only time I spend with God is in that pew. I never wanted to be a Sunday Christian...Every week I promise myself this next week will be better...week after week I fail.
The way I see it... when
you reach the end of your rope you but 3 choices 1) tie a knot and
hang yourself 2) Hang on until all your strength is gone and you are forced to release 3) Simply let go, fall
into the arms of Jesus and let God sort it out....why is it, for me,
number three is usually doesn't happen until I have tried the second
option?....Even after complete exhaustion I still have trouble letting
go...my hands are sore, bruised and blistered but I keep my grip....
Something has got to give....looks like that something is me....I just can't seem to get my head around the how to do it....
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