Friday, August 23, 2013

Shameless

Written By: Billy Joel
Preformed By: Garth Brooks





Well I'm shameless when it comes to loving you
I'll do anything you want me to
I'll do anything at all

And I'm standing here for all the world to see
Oh baby that's what's left of me
Don't have very far to fall

You know now I'm not a man who's ever been
Insecure about the world I've been livin' in
I don't break easy I have my pride
But if you need to be satisfied

I'm shameless, oh honey I don't have a prayer
Every time I see you standin' there
I go down upon my knees

And I'm changin' swore I'd never compromise
Oh but you convinced me otherwise
I'll do anything you please

You see in all my life I've never found
What I couldn't resist what I couldn't turn down
I could walk away from anyone I ever knew
But I can't walk away from you

I have never let anything have this much control over me
I work too hard to call my life my own
And I've made myself a world and it's worked so perfectly
But it's your world now I can't refuse
I've never had so much to lose
Oh I'm shameless

You know it should be easy for a man who's strong
To say he's sorry or admit when he's wrong
I've never lost anything I've ever missed
But I've never been in love like this

It's out of my hands
I'm shameless, I don't have the power now
I don't want it anyhow
So I got to let it go

Oh I'm shameless, shameless as a man can be
You make a total fool of me
I just wanted to you to know

Oh I'm shameless 
I just wanted you to know
Oh I'm shameless
Oh I'm down on my knees...shameless

Monday, August 19, 2013

Trying But It Is...


Hard To Not Be Angry with My Husband


Picture from voodoorules.com


I Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

I try to be a good and supportive wife. I know how hard my man works 12-14 hour nights.  By the time he drags in the next day he is pretty well spent.  An hour or so watching TV after his breakfast and off to bed he goes until I get him up again at 5:30 to share a meal with the family and out the door again.  Weekends are not all that. Most people use them for family, chores, projects or just relaxing.  Not here. Doug drags in after a long shift and sometimes goes to bed and sometimes doesn't. I think the days he stays up are worse than the ones he rest a few hours and joins us in the evening.  Sunday morning the boys and I rush around getting ready for church and as soon as we get home (somedays) he takes Jesse and goes to his mom and dad's house. Is typically out until 10:00 pm. This has been going on for 13 years (only 2 for Jesse).  
I have always been put in the position as lead dog while raising our kids.  But this move tilted the scales a bit heavier onto me. Then when Jesse was born he placed no attempt to take any of the weight off of me.  It is almost as if he believes I had had him so he is my responsibility.  I'm sure it is not this drastic, but it feels like he has no desire to bring up Jesse.  He seems to only tolerate him and gets frustrated with him (or so it seems) when Jesse wants me for everything.  When the other boys were little he didn't let them dictate who did what.  If he was up he did the wiping, if he was in the kitchen he got the juice or snack and if he received resistance he didn't just come back, sit down and say "he won't let me he just wants you" If AJ or Wyatt would have tried that it might take a pop on the behind, but dad would be the dad...
If I had not taken a short lived part time job where I forced his hand to help me with the baby on weekends (Sunday mostly) then we never would have set it up for him to take the boy with him to see his only living grandparents on a regular basis.  The job was too stressful on the older boys, especially our middle son, Wyatt, who seemed to accept most of the responsibility of Jes.  I felt the stress was too much on everyone so I reluctantly gave up my job and went back to 100% housewife and mother.  As I have written before I have never regretted the decision to be the house keeper and primary care giver of my sons, I love them all with all my heart and still today, with my oldest (legally) grown and my middle closer to 16 than 15  and little bit coming bumping up against 5 I would not exchange one diaper, tear, fit, stomach bug, hand to hold, face to kiss and a good bye hug anytime we part for any kind of "freedom".  I have raised 2 really good boys and Jesse is coming up fast and his outcome looks golden. As much as I love them, the rub is...I didn't sign up to do it alone.  Most days I am so overwhelmed that life is a blur and I rarely get to enjoy it. 
What got my goat this morning is;  I have been sick for close to a week...lot of stomach pain....I didn't go to church today... I felt that bad...yet, Doug slept until 10:30 came down to eat...went back upstairs and stayed there until about a half hour before he leaving to visit his parents...I could tell he had no plans to take Jesse with him when he asked him what he wanted to do...it is rare Jesse will choose to part with me...and Doug knows it.
I feel so stretched by everyones needs...and Jesse has the habit of asking for something else before I got the first thing finished
The boys were at a church baptism and picnic...they had been gone since Jordy's End of Summer party yesterday....Literally everything with the acceptation of making the money and distributing the bills is on me...I have to wonder if due to the stress could the pain be an ulcer?  I guess if it is not better by the time I chose a physician I will be finding out soon enough...I want to be a great wife and even better mother....I suppose under my aggravation love still lives...


Thursday, August 8, 2013

I love This Song

First time I heard it was on a television show called Freaks and Geeks.  I bought the CD the next day....

Box of Rain
The Grateful Dead

Click here for song



Look out of any window, any morning, any evening, any day. 

Maybe the sun is shining, birds are singing, 
No rain is falling from a heavy sky. 
What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 
For this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago. 



Walk out of any doorway, feel your way, feel your way like the day before. 
Maybe you'll find direction, 
Around some corner where it's been waiting to meet you. 
What do you want me to do, to watch for you while you are sleeping?
The please don't be surprised when you find me dreaming too. 



Look into any eyes you find by you, you can see clear to another day,
Maybe been seen before, through other eyes on other days while going home. 
What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 
It's all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago. 



Walk into splintered sunlight, 
Inch your way through dead dreams to another land. 
Maybe you're tired and broken, 
Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear 



What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 
A box of rain will ease the pain, and love will see you through. 



Just a box of rain, wind and water 
Believe it if you need it, if you don't, just pass it on 
Sun and shower, wind and rain 
In and out the window like a moth before a flame 



And it's just a box of rain, I don't know who put it there, 
Believe it if you need it, or leave it if you dare. 
And it's just a box of rain, or a ribbon for your hair; 
Such a long long time to be gone, and a short time to be there.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I Flipped a U




I don't know about you, but life is not always the proverbial bowl of cherries. We all have goals, wishes, and desires. Sometimes those things come to fruition and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the result is the direct consequence of what we have either done or not done. On the other hand, the result is often due to circumstances we either don't understand or over which we have little control. We often perceive the disappointments as personal failures. We internalize those feelings and end up feeling frustrated, angry, and depressed. If these emotions are not soon checked, the emptiness inside grows, the sun doesn't shine quite as brightly, and there is seldom a moment when we aren't ruminating over every detail of the situation. Self- doubt exponentially rises. Confidence wanes. You are embarrassed and don't want to discuss it. After all, no one really understands.*

I was surprised when I ran across this article.  Although the bulk of it didn't pertain to me, the first paragraph did.  I have spent so much time lately feeling my pain and justifying my thoughts because of it.  I don't think many of the people who have hurt me have done it intentionally...I do have trouble though, with the fact, I have more than once brought my pain of exclusion to the attention of others and it goes ignored...What I have discovered is that it shouldn't matter.  I should be mature enough to look at my life and be grateful that it is full.  I have a nice home on a very private lot...a husband who adores me, 3 healthy sons and a couple of friends who despite my deficiencies has not left my side.  Why do I feel so excluded when I am embraced by the people who truly matter?

I am trying to get myself past the hurt....After all, why am I so hurt? I expected more from a group of people than they could deliver...who's bad is that? I want to find myself again....the Sheron that I liked...the one that saw beyond imperfection and gave love rather than demand it....I truly hope she still lives...that this selfish, why not me impostor has not driven her fully from existence.
I have been fighting so long trying to break into the inner circle that I have forgotten that my relationship with God and my desire to know and please Him is why I go enter into a church building....In many ways I am glad I was unsuccessful in my quest.  If I somehow would have made the cut and was truly grafted into the "family", I would have been happy for a while, but because I was willing to trade a true relationship with my creator for earthly love and acceptance I was endangering my soul...much like one does for worldly gain.

I am taking the month off from my church and I am really seeking God for a change... I have made apologies to God and I have asked him to guide me in this quest to become the woman he wants me to be...to put aside the desire to be grafted into a family that I have no right to try to be in...I don't know if my path will lead back to RLF or if God has something else in mind for me....All I can do at this point is put my trust where it should have been in the first place and pour out my love to those who want it and love me for me....
~Feeling confused but hopeful

*First paragraph was taken from
http://www.extremeultrarunning.com/Dealing.htm