Ponderings

I don't spend much time on here lately.  I am a wife and a mom.  Although I have token on a part time job I still have tons of "at home" responsibilities and I recently became a troop leader for my little boys Lion Cub den (a branch of cub scouts).

Today I am pondering on my past and how it bumps into and influences my future...I recently listed to a podcast called Round Table.  It consists of the lead Pastor at air one and guest pastors just having discussions on random subjects.  One that clicked for me was one on getting past emotional trauma.  One of the pastors defined it as something happening to you that is beyond your abilities to cope. It doesn't have to be a tragic death, accident or a form of assault.  It simply has to be something beyond personal coping skills.
I am still struggling with a past hurt that was the *last straw kind of situation.  It left me traumatized and unable to handle my emotional state.  Not long afterwards I left a church that I was a member of for 10 years and went as far as to remove many of the members from my friends list...(I can further explain that later in this post). I found myself and my youngest child under the care of another church in another town.  It was a bandaid of sorts.  It helped to feel cared for and through love and acceptance I began to heal or so  I thought.  After about a year  I felt like God was calling me back to my church. My current Pastors were supportive and felt it was a good move for me to try and reconcile things.  And I think that is just what the calling was.  For me to have a chance to make emends to people I may have hurt during that time.  I went back for a few weeks and now I have been away from church altogether for a few weeks.
 As to what happened that caused the emotional trauma, I am still dealing with my emotions over that.  I wish I had someone that could lead me through to the other side, but I don't so I am having to take it one day at a time, one emotion at a time, one memory at a time as I sort thought this. I always thought of myself as strong and could handle anything so this has taken me by a miserable surprise. That over a year later it still has the ability to shake me to my core.... but I have forgiven and still love the person that was the center of it.

I want to elaborate on my deleting friends on Facebook...none of them did anything to be treated poorly by me.  I was simply hurt and hurting people tend to afflict hurt on other people.  I desperately wanted to be adopted by my church.  I wanted my little one to have a chance to grow up with their kids and for us to be loved.  When things didn't happen in the manner I desired, seeing their happiness, celebrations, birthday parties and so forth and we were not included was just too much for me to take after the *last straw.  I know I was expecting too much.  I know that people who are not my kin are not responsible to replace the family I have lost or just miss....but for some reason that is what I wanted and it grieved me that it didn't come to pass.

I'm not sure where I will go from here...Rest assured that I may have lost my faith in church but my faith in God remands strong.  I still pray, seek to find time to be with Him and I may not do it as much as I should but I do try to be the word. I know I have got to find a place for Jesse and I to worship with other believers. I trust his guidance...