I may be a bit under the weather but that has not slowed us down...Did the drive and then built snow men and made many trips up the hill to let Jesse sled...Awesome time with my little man!

Happy Birthday!

To My Big Brother!

Celebrating 54 years!

Sometimes...........

Self Loathing is Addictive....Knock it Off!

Not sure what to write about today.  I suppose I will figure it out as I type. It has been a wonderful week.  Spent Tuesday with my parent in laws, Wednesday with Pri, Thursday home with no where to go.  Not only did I hear from my son, but we have been communicating often these last several days. He is sharing with me and even bouncing me some of his ideas.  He received his care package today.  I sent him a gift card my friend treated me to for my birthday, his new glasses, a replacement phone that was Wyatt's before his upgrade (AJ dropped his and broke it), movies for him and Chris that didn't make it in time for Christmas and snacks including homemade Toll House cookie bars.
Church service was beautiful and Pastor John's message meaty. Sunday evening I had the house to myself.  I spent two hours of it in my bedroom with the stereo blaring my favorite songs from Kid Rock to Toby Keith and everything in between.  I watched 3 episodes of Son's of Anarchy before I was invaded by Wyatt and shortly after Doug and Jesse.  Slept soundly and woke to fresh snow and a stomach ache.  I slept the late morning away, but still don't feel right.  Irene was here Friday night and by Sunday she had was sick...I assume it is a little uncomfortable bug.  Hopefully it leaves me quickly.
I have finally found peace.  I look in the face of my beautiful little child and there is no longer any resistance to his charm.  I am able to truly enjoy him, spoil, cherish and adore him rather than merely surviving day to day.  I am happy and satisfied in my life.  It didn't come in a 12 step program, medication vial or counseling. It came with time. Although a couple of the fore mentioned items aided me, the healing came through my will to change. With surrender and being true to myself. With great pain and patience it came from letting go of selfish desires and grasping onto my family. It came through love of others and the forgiveness of Christ. I wish I could report everyday is divinity (who doesn't?), But gratefully I have found there is joy where there was sorrow, peace where there was great turmoil, giving of myself where there was only selfishness and love where there was resistance....As I continue my life I know that  I am still a work in progress, but I can finally see that I am worth the fight.  That they are worth the fight.

My Cream Puffs Were Crazy Delicious!

Yummies

Herb Popover

Wednesday I made Popovers for the very first time.  I had my first one a few years back when I had lunch with Irene at the Seven Stone Step pub.  They taste and feel like they would be hard to make.  But in reality it would be hard pressed to be any easier.  I mixed them up and baked them in a muffin tin...I know I squealed like a 13 year old girl when I opened the door and they were popped and perfect. For supper that night we filled them with ham salad and served them with soup.
Tonight is movie night so I thought I would bake some more of these delicate treasures and fill them with vanilla pudding and a drizzle of chocolate.  Sounds delicious...home made cream puffs.

Three layers of homemade lemon cake, filled with rich lemon curd and covered in fresh meringue browned to perfection

Yesterday I tried a new cake recipe.  My friend Kara wanted a Lemon Meringue cake for her husbands birthday.  Believe it or not I have never made Meringue...yes, another delighted squeal when I opened my mixer and saw a batch of perfectly whipped meringue. Everything about the cake worked nearly perfectly.  I had a crumble problem with one of the layers.

Photo courtesy of Kara Nutt


My next project will be Meringue cookies!

The Richest Woman In Morrisville

It has been a lovely day.  Of course Wyatt was the first to wish me a happy birthday.  Then I spent the morning at story hour with my three year old and then we went to Pri and Zion's for lunch.  Since we are both watching our calories and choosing healthier life styles, she made me vegetable soup and a no bake chocolate pumpkin pie.  I stuffed mini bell peppers with a ham salad made with lean ham with light sour cream for the binder. She spoiled me with a necklace and earring set her mother made and Endless Love lotion from Victoria Secrets.  She is such a blessing in my life....

My husband was awake when I returned home and we spent a few minutes together before he went upstairs to go back to sleep.  He gave me a sweet and funny card and Sons of Anarchy season 2 on DVD....he is taking it back in the morning and getting me season 3.  I love my bad biker boys and already have season one and 2.  He tried and him thinking of me was more important than any gift. A bit later my friend Mart came by. She doesn't realize it is my birthday and I didn't tell her...I just wanted to enjoy her company  I made her lunch and we caught up on our lives.
I was truly overwhelmed by the birthday wishes and beautiful comments from friends and family.  Although I have not heard from one person I want to the most, I understand that college keeps him busy and it is okay that I slipped his mind. I know how much my son loves me and I am blessed by him.
It has been a blissful day....

Roll On

Me one year older

I swear that time's a trick it disappears in oh so quick, Man I was just sixteen and now I'm starin' at forty-six. But I'm still havin' a good time

Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
Roll on Roller coaster
Roll on tonight
Roll on tonight

And I know it's hard to see with the sun in your eyes
But one day you're gonna say I saw the light

And now headin' for the hill
And I just cannot wait until
My children grow up to have children of their own
And I'll be telling them about
The times I turned the party out
And how I stood against an army all alone
Drinkin' wine and stayin' high
And realized it couldn't last
And how God Turned my life around
And went down another path
And the signs we must observe
When life's changes do occur
But most of all I'll tell them
Just how proud I am of them
And always have a good time
It's all love and good times
Let's all have a good time Yeah

~Kid Rock (almost)

Today I turn 46.  It is hard to explain how I feel.  I ticked over the top...there is no denying I am really in my forties.  These days I ponder on some of the things my mom used to tell me about how she felt and just how fast it does go by.  

I don't mind birthdays...not even the years they represent.  I figure they are going to come and go whether I like it or not...Might as well enjoy it and be thankful for another day with the people I love.  I am grateful that everyday I grow stronger physically and mentally...that I am here to pursue the Lord even though I sometimes fall short.

Happy Birthday Wyatt!

My Beautiful son turns 14 today.  What a blessing he has been in my life!

Little Boys grow up way too fast

Futurama is among his favorite things!

Praying in the Spirit

I have been at a loss, over emotional, empty prayers and failed attempts to spend any time with God.  Then I read a quote on Facebook-
"Don’t pray when you feel like it. Have an appointment with the Lord and keep it. A man is powerful on his knees." -Corrie ten Boom.
At first this brought more pressure on my already confused mind and overly busy lifestyle.  But, it also encouraged me to try harder to pray and seek God.  I like to write my prayers.  I have kept my prayer journal in personal letters for many years.  Recently I came across some older notebooks, one dated the year 2000. For me that was the beginning of the roughest years of my life in all ways, emotionally, spiritually and physically.  Starting July 4, 2000 I arrived in NY with my husband, young sons and dogs.  Lonely was not a big enough word to cover my emotional state.  But, I loved Doug and I loved him enough to turn my (and my boys) life upside down.
Since then my life has been a magnificent whirlwind.  Struggling to find a church for me and my sons, in itself, a frustrating and painful journey. Doug had a major truck accident late summer of 2001. The attack on American soil September 11, 2001.  Mother's cancer diagnosis fall the same year and her death February 19, 2002. February 2004 we discovered our church in (going on 8 years wow). My own cancer diagnosis May of 2006, surgery and treatments. I had worked hard and gotten my body back in shape when, much to my surprise, I discovered I was pregnant with our Jesse boy in March 2007. We welcomed him to our family on December 31, 2008 and I plummeted into postpartum depression shortly after.  A time in my life I should have been rejoicing, I had to fight to survive each day.  Here I am, three years later, and I am still battling depression, but I know  there is an end to it.  I trust God to see me though, I will be completely healed and if some reason I am not, I have to trust that God leaves this thorn in my flesh for His purposes.

Back to my journal and my discovery., my letter to God dated September 14, 2001: 

Dear Lord,
I'm still at a blank how to pray for NYC.  Thank you for my gift of prayer in the Spirit, if not for that my emotions would not let me pray on my own accord".
Of course the prayer letter continues on asking favor for our country, but what amazes me is the person I was all those years ago that knew my emotions could and would impede upon my prayer life.  That is why, I believe, we were given this gift...the Bible tells us in Romans 8:26-27  "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words. And he who searches the hearts of men knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."  Praying in the Spirit is fundamental Charismatic teaching.  How does someone get so far from God that a gift such as this is forgotten?  I have been praying in tongues (again) since last night.  It is amazing the difference in how I feel today.  It is as if it broke through a dark covering over me.  Poking holes and letting in His light.  Why was this not relieved to me before last night? It may have been and I didn't receive it, or maybe it was not the right time in my mental and spiritual life for me to understand or accept it.   Whatever the situation or reasoning, I am pleased that this is the time for a spiritual break through for me.  I cannot recall a time that I was more emotional and I have been allowing these emotions to hinder my prayer life. I am thankful for this gift and I pray I never forget it again.
This is one more reason to praise Him. God does care about his children. He is patient and loving and  He covers everything we need in the flesh and most importantly in the spirit. 

Goodbye Again

Doug left about 4:30 to take AJ and Emily Karaman back to Elim Bible Institute.  His leaving effects my mood.  Some people don't understand the grief I feel when I part from him, but it also mixed with pride and happiness for him taking steps to live his life on his own.  No financial aid came through to help him so he is going back  this semester owing money.  Hopefully he will be able to get a job this time.  He finds study difficult without working.

Wyatt is gone to the church's youth group and Jesse and I just finished up supper. I have an incredible amount of work to do.  I am so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start. Jesse is so demanding.  It is a constant get me this, I want to watch that..MOMMY! Tonight I have no energy or ambition. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Just Do It Already!

Your greatest days are ahead of you & not behind you ... God has not given up on you & neither should you!- Christine Caine

Our church is fasting.  Or I should say some of our church is fasting.  I have spent more time worrying about what I should fast than fasting or praying.  I don't know when or how it happened, but I have became a chronic worrier.  It was a wild feeling this morning when I was stressing over the fact I have yet to join our fast, when I felt a odd feeling of freedom.  It seems that God spoke to my heart and told me to fast worrying.  To the normal person that would seem like a crock of poo, but to me it made complete sense.  It is the lifestyle I should be living anyway, but God through a corporate fast enlightened me to the fact that I spend more time worrying than praying, reading the Bible, praising or living for that matter.
I am joining our fast and prayer a little late, but better than never I suppose...every time I begin to worry or stress for that matter, I will pray my way through it. 

It's Fun Being a Girl

My 46th birthday is less than 3 weeks away.  It is no secret that I am obsessed with the FX Original series Sons of Anarchy and the fabulous Katey Sagal.  I am thinking since my hair is ridiculously long anyway that I may drop in some "Gemma Morrow" highlights.  I wish I had the gumption to lose weight.  Katey Sagal is nearly 60 and she has a figure of a woman decades younger.  I would love to look like her I guess for now from the neck up will have to do.

My beautiful son sleeping after a rough night. He has a cold which triggered asthma

Cold Hands Warm Heart

I have heard that expression all my life, but what does it mean if you have chronic cold feet? I am sure there is some fun wives tale for that as well....But I think it simply means winter is finally in Central New York and I need some slippers.

Making Plans

I want to call Crouse Community Center sometime tomorrow.  I feel like I should be doing more to help the community.  I have a few hours on Mondays I could dedicate to help out in our local residential home. I also thought it could be an outlet for Jesse as well.  He, of course, would go at a different time than my volunteer hours as I want it to be about the residents, not Jesse. I am sure they could find something for me to do to help out. 
Jesse has his well child check tomorrow as well so I will have to make an effort to call the center.  This is something that has been on my heart for a long time as well as hooking up with the BASIC college kids and volunteering at the high school. After my pitty party last night I came to the conclusion that I can sit and cry or step out and make a difference in the lives of people both young and old.

Loneliness is just part of life.  Everyone is touched by it at some point in time.  It is, I think, normal to feel a sense of loneliness from time to time. The problem with me is I feel alone about 90% of the time.  I can have a great need to have some time home alone and feel the "something is missing" emotion until my family returns.   I have a life in many ways could be envied yet, I have the feeling of loneliness even with a houseful of people, sitting in my church, even surrounded by friends...I know the truth, I am loved and I know how blessed I am with a beautiful family, healthy children and many friends. Even with all I have I still feel alone and usually sad.
I have an outgoing personality, maybe I need to put it to work and reach out to the truly lonely.