dazed

This is a free write day. Not sure where I am going or it there will be rhyme or reason in this post.
The house is quite.  Doug and Jesse are at Grammy's house, Wyatt is at youth and AJ is in Rome counseling at Camp Shiloh's Junior (11-13) campers.  At least that the the age group he requested. He had primary (8-10) last year and he feels Juniors won't be as much work.  For me I enjoyed primary more than Juniors.  I could relate better to them and they let me be a "mom" to them.  I took AJ to Rome this morning, a half hour late for orientation, but they were understanding.  Our church is heavily involved in the camp. Many of our kids go and many of our adults help out in some fashion.  I have Jesse. Going to camp is not possible for me although I would love to be there this week.  It is a hard week, little sleep, big responsibilities, always on the go, but the rewards are amazing.  Seeing God work in the lives of these children is priceless.  I think I am going to see if I can help in some way next year, just to be a part. One way I can help is set aside a little money each week to support a camper. 
Having Wyatt home is nice.  We watched an episode of Wipeout I recorded for him.  That show is too funny.  The stupid things people will do in hopes to win cash. Tomorrow everything goes back to normal.  Doug goes to work and me and the little boys will hang out together.  I have got to find balance in my life.  I worked so hard on the house that Jesse got ignored and so did God.  Balance is so hard to find.  I can discipline myself in one way and go over board with it.  I can do it all if I just find a right combination.  Relationship with God, family, home is the right order, but just how do I execute? 
I'm often scared. Scared of people's opinions, finances, parenting, losing loved ones, being on the outside at church, relationship with God, life without Doug.  The list can go on forever and can change daily.  I'm tired of being anxious and worried. I thought this was behind me.
I guess I should take advantage of this alone time and try and pray, eat ice cream and waste and hour or two watching TV.  Count my blessings and be grateful for them while I have them instead of spending my life fretting over them.