Shameless

Written By: Billy Joel

Preformed By: Garth Brooks

YouTube Version

Well I'm shameless when it comes to loving you

I'll do anything you want me to

I'll do anything at all

And I'm standing here for all the world to see

Oh baby that's what's left of me

Don't have very far to fall

You know now I'm not a man who's ever been

Insecure about the world I've been livin' in

I don't break easy I have my pride

But if you need to be satisfied

I'm shameless, oh honey I don't have a prayer

Every time I see you standin' there

I go down upon my knees

And I'm changin' swore I'd never compromise

Oh but you convinced me otherwise

I'll do anything you please

You see in all my life I've never found

What I couldn't resist what I couldn't turn down

I could walk away from anyone I ever knew

But I can't walk away from you

I have never let anything have this much control over me

I work too hard to call my life my own

And I've made myself a world and it's worked so perfectly

But it's your world now I can't refuse

I've never had so much to lose

Oh I'm shameless

You know it should be easy for a man who's strong

To say he's sorry or admit when he's wrong

I've never lost anything I've ever missed

But I've never been in love like this

It's out of my hands

I'm shameless, I don't have the power now

I don't want it anyhow

So I got to let it go

Oh I'm shameless, shameless as a man can be

You make a total fool of me

I just wanted to you to know

Oh I'm shameless 

I just wanted you to know

Oh I'm shameless

Oh I'm down on my knees...shameless

Trying But It Is...

Hard To Not Be Angry with My Husband

Picture from voodoorules.com

I Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

I try to be a good and supportive wife. I know how hard my man works 12-14 hour nights.  By the time he drags in the next day he is pretty well spent.  An hour or so watching TV after his breakfast and off to bed he goes until I get him up again at 5:30 to share a meal with the family and out the door again.  Weekends are not all that. Most people use them for family, chores, projects or just relaxing.  Not here. Doug drags in after a long shift and sometimes goes to bed and sometimes doesn't. I think the days he stays up are worse than the ones he rest a few hours and joins us in the evening.  Sunday morning the boys and I rush around getting ready for church and as soon as we get home (somedays) he takes Jesse and goes to his mom and dad's house. Is typically out until 10:00 pm. This has been going on for 13 years (only 2 for Jesse).  

I have always been put in the position as lead dog while raising our kids.  But this move tilted the scales a bit heavier onto me. Then when Jesse was born he placed no attempt to take any of the weight off of me.  It is almost as if he believes I had had him so he is my responsibility.  I'm sure it is not this drastic, but it feels like he has no desire to bring up Jesse.  He seems to only tolerate him and gets frustrated with him (or so it seems) when Jesse wants me for everything.  When the other boys were little he didn't let them dictate who did what.  If he was up he did the wiping, if he was in the kitchen he got the juice or snack and if he received resistance he didn't just come back, sit down and say "he won't let me he just wants you" If AJ or Wyatt would have tried that it might take a pop on the behind, but dad would be the dad...

If I had not taken a short lived part time job where I forced his hand to help me with the baby on weekends (Sunday mostly) then we never would have set it up for him to take the boy with him to see his only living grandparents on a regular basis.  The job was too stressful on the older boys, especially our middle son, Wyatt, who seemed to accept most of the responsibility of Jes.  I felt the stress was too much on everyone so I reluctantly gave up my job and went back to 100% housewife and mother.  As I have written before I have never regretted the decision to be the house keeper and primary care giver of my sons, I love them all with all my heart and still today, with my oldest (legally) grown and my middle closer to 16 than 15  and little bit coming bumping up against 5 I would not exchange one diaper, tear, fit, stomach bug, hand to hold, face to kiss and a good bye hug anytime we part for any kind of "freedom".  I have raised 2 really good boys and Jesse is coming up fast and his outcome looks golden. As much as I love them, the rub is...I didn't sign up to do it alone.  Most days I am so overwhelmed that life is a blur and I rarely get to enjoy it. 

What got my goat this morning is;  I have been sick for close to a week...lot of stomach pain....I didn't go to church today... I felt that bad...yet, Doug slept until 10:30 came down to eat...went back upstairs and stayed there until about a half hour before he leaving to visit his parents...I could tell he had no plans to take Jesse with him when he asked him what he wanted to do...it is rare Jesse will choose to part with me...and Doug knows it.

I feel so stretched by everyones needs...and Jesse has the habit of asking for something else before I got the first thing finished

The boys were at a church baptism and picnic...they had been gone since Jordy's End of Summer party yesterday....Literally everything with the acceptation of making the money and distributing the bills is on me...I have to wonder if due to the stress could the pain be an ulcer?  I guess if it is not better by the time I chose a physician I will be finding out soon enough...I want to be a great wife and even better mother....I suppose under my aggravation love still lives...

I love This Song

First time I heard it was on a television show called Freaks and Geeks.  I bought the CD the next day....

Box of Rain

The Grateful Dead

Click here for song

Look out of any window, any morning, any evening, any day. 

Maybe the sun is shining, birds are singing, 

No rain is falling from a heavy sky. 

What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 

For this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago. 

Walk out of any doorway, feel your way, feel your way like the day before. 

Maybe you'll find direction, 

Around some corner where it's been waiting to meet you. 

What do you want me to do, to watch for you while you are sleeping?

The please don't be surprised when you find me dreaming too. 

Look into any eyes you find by you, you can see clear to another day,

Maybe been seen before, through other eyes on other days while going home. 

What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 

It's all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago. 

Walk into splintered sunlight, 

Inch your way through dead dreams to another land. 

Maybe you're tired and broken, 

Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear 

What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through? 

A box of rain will ease the pain, and love will see you through. 

Just a box of rain, wind and water 

Believe it if you need it, if you don't, just pass it on 

Sun and shower, wind and rain 

In and out the window like a moth before a flame 

And it's just a box of rain, I don't know who put it there, 

Believe it if you need it, or leave it if you dare. 

And it's just a box of rain, or a ribbon for your hair; 

Such a long long time to be gone, and a short time to be there.

I Flipped a U

I don't know about you, but life is not always the proverbial bowl of cherries. We all have goals, wishes, and desires. Sometimes those things come to fruition and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the result is the direct consequence of what we have either done or not done. On the other hand, the result is often due to circumstances we either don't understand or over which we have little control. We often perceive the disappointments as personal failures. We internalize those feelings and end up feeling frustrated, angry, and depressed. If these emotions are not soon checked, the emptiness inside grows, the sun doesn't shine quite as brightly, and there is seldom a moment when we aren't ruminating over every detail of the situation. Self- doubt exponentially rises. Confidence wanes. You are embarrassed and don't want to discuss it. After all, no one really understands.*

I was surprised when I ran across this article.  Although the bulk of it didn't pertain to me, the first paragraph did.  I have spent so much time lately feeling my pain and justifying my thoughts because of it.  I don't think many of the people who have hurt me have done it intentionally...I do have trouble though, with the fact, I have more than once brought my pain of exclusion to the attention of others and it goes ignored...What I have discovered is that it shouldn't matter.  I should be mature enough to look at my life and be grateful that it is full.  I have a nice home on a very private lot...a husband who adores me, 3 healthy sons and a couple of friends who despite my deficiencies has not left my side.  Why do I feel so excluded when I am embraced by the people who truly matter?

I am trying to get myself past the hurt....After all, why am I so hurt? I expected more from a group of people than they could deliver...who's bad is that? I want to find myself again....the Sheron that I liked...the one that saw beyond imperfection and gave love rather than demand it....I truly hope she still lives...that this selfish, why not me impostor has not driven her fully from existence.
I have been fighting so long trying to break into the inner circle that I have forgotten that my relationship with God and my desire to know and please Him is why I go enter into a church building....In many ways I am glad I was unsuccessful in my quest.  If I somehow would have made the cut and was truly grafted into the "family", I would have been happy for a while, but because I was willing to trade a true relationship with my creator for earthly love and acceptance I was endangering my soul...much like one does for worldly gain.

I am taking the month off from my church and I am really seeking God for a change... I have made apologies to God and I have asked him to guide me in this quest to become the woman he wants me to be...to put aside the desire to be grafted into a family that I have no right to try to be in...I don't know if my path will lead back to RLF or if God has something else in mind for me....All I can do at this point is put my trust where it should have been in the first place and pour out my love to those who want it and love me for me....
~Feeling confused but hopeful

*First paragraph was taken from
http://www.extremeultrarunning.com/Dealing.htm

Preach it Marilyn....

What Does Not Kill Us Makes Us Stronger

….I guess that rides along side with what hurt we survive makes us a better person???

I don't know who came up with this stuff, but we all have been through things…just another cliche to get through life…

I have been through many hardships at a young age. I was not only abandoned by my dad but also my step father.   I was not even 27 when my formally estranged father died suddenly of congestive heart failure at the age of 56….just as we were getting to know each other again.  I was 33 when my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer…she surveyed four months before she left the world…I was not brave enough to stay till the end.  Although I had made plans to journey back the 1000 miles between CNY and West Georgia, I went home for a funeral instead.  That is something I have to deal with almost daily. I was 34 and my beloved mother was only 62….Fortunately the death of our mother brought me and my siblings even closer.

The move to NY in 2000 was devastating to me and my young sons but God sent me an angel by the name of Paula Welsh that made the transition easier… I thought I was gaining a family in my in laws but instead I found even more loneliness….leaving me to search for love and acceptance through friends…trying to and failing at being grafted into "family" left me angry and envious….

I laid in bed this morning realizing how I must forgive the recent as well as the past transgressions in my life…one by one I got the faces into focus and through prayer I forgave each person and each incident….I think the latest punch in the stomach was the hardest to forgive, but I was successful and I have found it is not the hurt or the loss that in fact makes one stronger, it is the forgiveness we can give through the love of Christ.  Through him I can forgive and heal….including the things I have done to hurt myself…through him I can over come and become a healthier person, though him I can ask forgiveness for myself as well as the grace to forgive others….I'm not an angel….although I try to avoid it I know I have hurt others and I hope and pray I can also be forgiven for my transgressions.  We can go through heartache, pain and loss, but it has been my discovery it is not the situation, but the reaction that makes or brakes us...

Over my 13 years here I have gained a handful of close friends, lost a my relationship with Keri (although I believe it was Jesse she really loved and not necessarily me)…been hurt countless times by people who were suppose to care for me….I lost to death my two good friends…The Brawners….first Brother Jesse and a few years later Willie Jewel. Losing Willie was especially hard, she was like the church mom/grandmother. She was a gentle God fearing woman who found joy in instructing the younger generation…..she kept me covered in prayer even through my transition to New York until her death about 5 years ago….I am blessed with a few forever friends that live in Georgia.  My Pastor's wife Carla Patrick, my friends Ann Arnold and Marie Brock as well as my friend and little "brother" in Pennsylvania, Brian Smetana they will forever hold a place in my heart although absent from each other's day to day lives. My brother, Bill is to be married in October adding another sister in my life… 

I have also battled and won breast cancer, which opened a new chapter in my life adding a midlife child to our family, Jesse. He brings a special something that was missing although I wonder if he has ADD... I seen AJ grow into manhood....watched Wyatt as he became a wonderful teenager. And I am still married to the love love of my life…27 years and counting…living with him since he was 21 and we just celebrated his 50th birthday.  My Life…The Good, The Bad and The Ugly….I am grateful for everyday I have spent here on planet earth...

What a Difference

Four Years Makes....


When Jesse was about 6 months old we took the boys to Old Forge NY for a family get away...we returned this past July and had a wonderful time...a break our family needed...

Summer 2009

Summer 2013

As anyone can see my boys have grown up beautifully...Doug is virtually the same.....