I Flipped a U

I don't know about you, but life is not always the proverbial bowl of cherries. We all have goals, wishes, and desires. Sometimes those things come to fruition and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the result is the direct consequence of what we have either done or not done. On the other hand, the result is often due to circumstances we either don't understand or over which we have little control. We often perceive the disappointments as personal failures. We internalize those feelings and end up feeling frustrated, angry, and depressed. If these emotions are not soon checked, the emptiness inside grows, the sun doesn't shine quite as brightly, and there is seldom a moment when we aren't ruminating over every detail of the situation. Self- doubt exponentially rises. Confidence wanes. You are embarrassed and don't want to discuss it. After all, no one really understands.*

I was surprised when I ran across this article.  Although the bulk of it didn't pertain to me, the first paragraph did.  I have spent so much time lately feeling my pain and justifying my thoughts because of it.  I don't think many of the people who have hurt me have done it intentionally...I do have trouble though, with the fact, I have more than once brought my pain of exclusion to the attention of others and it goes ignored...What I have discovered is that it shouldn't matter.  I should be mature enough to look at my life and be grateful that it is full.  I have a nice home on a very private lot...a husband who adores me, 3 healthy sons and a couple of friends who despite my deficiencies has not left my side.  Why do I feel so excluded when I am embraced by the people who truly matter?

I am trying to get myself past the hurt....After all, why am I so hurt? I expected more from a group of people than they could deliver...who's bad is that? I want to find myself again....the Sheron that I liked...the one that saw beyond imperfection and gave love rather than demand it....I truly hope she still lives...that this selfish, why not me impostor has not driven her fully from existence.
I have been fighting so long trying to break into the inner circle that I have forgotten that my relationship with God and my desire to know and please Him is why I go enter into a church building....In many ways I am glad I was unsuccessful in my quest.  If I somehow would have made the cut and was truly grafted into the "family", I would have been happy for a while, but because I was willing to trade a true relationship with my creator for earthly love and acceptance I was endangering my soul...much like one does for worldly gain.

I am taking the month off from my church and I am really seeking God for a change... I have made apologies to God and I have asked him to guide me in this quest to become the woman he wants me to be...to put aside the desire to be grafted into a family that I have no right to try to be in...I don't know if my path will lead back to RLF or if God has something else in mind for me....All I can do at this point is put my trust where it should have been in the first place and pour out my love to those who want it and love me for me....
~Feeling confused but hopeful

*First paragraph was taken from
http://www.extremeultrarunning.com/Dealing.htm