Trying But It Is...

Hard To Not Be Angry with My Husband

Picture from voodoorules.com

I Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

I try to be a good and supportive wife. I know how hard my man works 12-14 hour nights.  By the time he drags in the next day he is pretty well spent.  An hour or so watching TV after his breakfast and off to bed he goes until I get him up again at 5:30 to share a meal with the family and out the door again.  Weekends are not all that. Most people use them for family, chores, projects or just relaxing.  Not here. Doug drags in after a long shift and sometimes goes to bed and sometimes doesn't. I think the days he stays up are worse than the ones he rest a few hours and joins us in the evening.  Sunday morning the boys and I rush around getting ready for church and as soon as we get home (somedays) he takes Jesse and goes to his mom and dad's house. Is typically out until 10:00 pm. This has been going on for 13 years (only 2 for Jesse).  

I have always been put in the position as lead dog while raising our kids.  But this move tilted the scales a bit heavier onto me. Then when Jesse was born he placed no attempt to take any of the weight off of me.  It is almost as if he believes I had had him so he is my responsibility.  I'm sure it is not this drastic, but it feels like he has no desire to bring up Jesse.  He seems to only tolerate him and gets frustrated with him (or so it seems) when Jesse wants me for everything.  When the other boys were little he didn't let them dictate who did what.  If he was up he did the wiping, if he was in the kitchen he got the juice or snack and if he received resistance he didn't just come back, sit down and say "he won't let me he just wants you" If AJ or Wyatt would have tried that it might take a pop on the behind, but dad would be the dad...

If I had not taken a short lived part time job where I forced his hand to help me with the baby on weekends (Sunday mostly) then we never would have set it up for him to take the boy with him to see his only living grandparents on a regular basis.  The job was too stressful on the older boys, especially our middle son, Wyatt, who seemed to accept most of the responsibility of Jes.  I felt the stress was too much on everyone so I reluctantly gave up my job and went back to 100% housewife and mother.  As I have written before I have never regretted the decision to be the house keeper and primary care giver of my sons, I love them all with all my heart and still today, with my oldest (legally) grown and my middle closer to 16 than 15  and little bit coming bumping up against 5 I would not exchange one diaper, tear, fit, stomach bug, hand to hold, face to kiss and a good bye hug anytime we part for any kind of "freedom".  I have raised 2 really good boys and Jesse is coming up fast and his outcome looks golden. As much as I love them, the rub is...I didn't sign up to do it alone.  Most days I am so overwhelmed that life is a blur and I rarely get to enjoy it. 

What got my goat this morning is;  I have been sick for close to a week...lot of stomach pain....I didn't go to church today... I felt that bad...yet, Doug slept until 10:30 came down to eat...went back upstairs and stayed there until about a half hour before he leaving to visit his parents...I could tell he had no plans to take Jesse with him when he asked him what he wanted to do...it is rare Jesse will choose to part with me...and Doug knows it.

I feel so stretched by everyones needs...and Jesse has the habit of asking for something else before I got the first thing finished

The boys were at a church baptism and picnic...they had been gone since Jordy's End of Summer party yesterday....Literally everything with the acceptation of making the money and distributing the bills is on me...I have to wonder if due to the stress could the pain be an ulcer?  I guess if it is not better by the time I chose a physician I will be finding out soon enough...I want to be a great wife and even better mother....I suppose under my aggravation love still lives...