I cannot think of a greater honor than to be a mother. I have dedicated my life to my family. Making sure they had a life of comfort and security. Before I fool you into thinking I am the 21st century June Cleaver, I have made ginormous mistakes along the way. I have been loud when I should have been silent, judgmental when I should have been compassionate and my own personal need to be right over shadowed the truth. And my biggest failure was not letting my kids live to their potential. I guess my need to be a mother, meeting my own desire to nurture overshadowed my children's needs to mature and take responsibility for themselves. After a time of resenting my relationship with my boys, I have come to the realization that it is not their fault. I have nothing to resent them for, really I am in a situation to apologize. I have also decided it was time to let go of AJ. Loosen the grip on Wyatt and begin to train Jesse.
This morning I woke at 4:30. After a time of trying to go back to sleep, I gave in and crawled out of my warm bed. I gave AJ a chance to get up on his own and when he didn't I woke him. After all I have been coddling him most of his life, I don't feel it is fair to throw him to the wolves. I knew he wouldn't have time to make his lunch so as a courtesy I did that for him. On the way to work (he shares my car) I told him that it was time for him to be on his own. Check with me the night before to decide if he is using the car or if I am driving him, pack his lunch and get what he needs ready for the work day ahead and get himself up in the morning. I told him I am sure he is going to great, but if he doesn't, natural consequences follow. Don't get up- late or miss work. Don't make lunch- a very hungry day. I also told him that I love him and if he needs help to ask for it. As far as using my car as his own? That needs to tone down. Ask to use my car! Check with each other about plans, don't just assume I don't have any. And when he goes back to Elim, he MUST get a job. Doug and I cannot continue to put money in his checking account and run short ourselves. We have a home to run and two minor children to raise. If he has an emergency of course he can count on us. I want him to have food in his dorm, but he is on the food plan at school, three square meals, he won't starve. As far as personal care items and laundry detergent, he'll have to buy that himself or mooch off his friends.
As to Wyatt. I had a talk with him last night. He will be given an allowance. A modest one to start with. He can chose to spend it but he needs to be wise and save part. He is going to be responsible for half the money needed for youth outings. We already paid for the Tour of Syracuse so that is done, he doesn't have to repay us for that, but plenty of other things are coming up. If he wants things not in our budget, he has to save for them, if he wants something more expensive (100.00 shoes instead of 50.00) he has to save the extra funds for that. He will have set chores, that if he doesn't do them he will have money reduced from his allowance. The natural consequence for Mr. Wyatt? If he doesn't have the money to do what he wants, he doesn't get it...including Youth outings. If he is short funds for youth because of circumstances beyond his control, we will help him. The point is to teach him responsibility, not so much punish. Wyatt is willing and wants to change. I think he is a little weary of what it will be like, but he trusts me.
Jesse is three and oh so trainable. He is at an age that he WANTS to help. I need to start letting him. Teaching him to pick up after himself, dusting, watering plants, setting the table...if he cleans something and I have to go back and redo, that is okay. He needs an allowance too. Maybe three dollars a week?
Sticking to my guns when I know my kids are unhappy will be hard for me. Letting them be kids and enjoying their childhood was always the highest priority for me. I can now see that giving up everything for their happiness doesn't make anyone truly happy.
You go mom!
ReplyDeleteI've always responded to people who try to tell me what my job as a mother is (to protect him, to take care of him) that "No, my job is not to raise a child but to raise up a functioning adult, able to take care of himself and contribute positively to society. That has to start while he is young and while the consequences of wrong choices are still relatively minor."
You stick to your guns, they aren't going to like it when they do mess up (and they will) and you don't run to rescue them (don't do it even though every fiber of your being is going to want to).
And remember, you can give me a call to vent or get some support anytime. :)
Thanks Kara...you're so sweet
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