Sometimes...........

Self Loathing is Addictive....Knock it Off!

Not sure what to write about today.  I suppose I will figure it out as I type. It has been a wonderful week.  Spent Tuesday with my parent in laws, Wednesday with Pri, Thursday home with no where to go.  Not only did I hear from my son, but we have been communicating often these last several days. He is sharing with me and even bouncing me some of his ideas.  He received his care package today.  I sent him a gift card my friend treated me to for my birthday, his new glasses, a replacement phone that was Wyatt's before his upgrade (AJ dropped his and broke it), movies for him and Chris that didn't make it in time for Christmas and snacks including homemade Toll House cookie bars.
Church service was beautiful and Pastor John's message meaty. Sunday evening I had the house to myself.  I spent two hours of it in my bedroom with the stereo blaring my favorite songs from Kid Rock to Toby Keith and everything in between.  I watched 3 episodes of Son's of Anarchy before I was invaded by Wyatt and shortly after Doug and Jesse.  Slept soundly and woke to fresh snow and a stomach ache.  I slept the late morning away, but still don't feel right.  Irene was here Friday night and by Sunday she had was sick...I assume it is a little uncomfortable bug.  Hopefully it leaves me quickly.
I have finally found peace.  I look in the face of my beautiful little child and there is no longer any resistance to his charm.  I am able to truly enjoy him, spoil, cherish and adore him rather than merely surviving day to day.  I am happy and satisfied in my life.  It didn't come in a 12 step program, medication vial or counseling. It came with time. Although a couple of the fore mentioned items aided me, the healing came through my will to change. With surrender and being true to myself. With great pain and patience it came from letting go of selfish desires and grasping onto my family. It came through love of others and the forgiveness of Christ. I wish I could report everyday is divinity (who doesn't?), But gratefully I have found there is joy where there was sorrow, peace where there was great turmoil, giving of myself where there was only selfishness and love where there was resistance....As I continue my life I know that  I am still a work in progress, but I can finally see that I am worth the fight.  That they are worth the fight.