I have been spending several months of my life trying to recover and become the Christian I was before Jesse, before depression. This morning I thought on a story that Dottie Smit, a guest speaker at our woman's conference told and Sunday morning Jake Lutke, our worship leader reminded us of.
It is about change. How a caterpillar gorges himself before entering his cocoon. After getting his fill and he becomes this monstrously plump creature, he forms his cocoon where the change painfully begins to take place. After weeks of metamorphosis he chews a hole in the chrysalis and begins the new birthing process. If someone takes pity on his struggle and tries to free him, there is permanent damage, maybe even death to the insect.
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| Change is not always pretty |
I feel that is what has taken place in me these last months, maybe even years. I was full of the spirit, loved God, had a relationship with Jesus. I couldn't get enough. Even through tough trials, like moving to NY, my mom's illness and my own cancer, I walked close to the Lord. I was full and happy. I guess it was time for the next stage of my life. My painful chrysalis. I was in a tight, dark lonely state. I felt pain most of the time. I cried for help and a few tried, and got me through some of my oppression. But for the most part this was my journey. If anyone would have tried to free me prematurely, it would have done more harm than good.
A couple months ago I began my exit. Still a painful process, but what birth is not? After weeks of struggle and finally feeling the progress, I found hope. I found my voice to cry out to God, to have him finish the change in me. To forgive me and allow me to forgive myself. To repent and not look back at the things left behind...slowly my head emerged. Two steps forward one back. Eventually I was reformed and free. It took some days for my "wings" to dry so I could take flight.
It was a heartbreaking journey, but here I am. Free to soar like eagles, restored by my savior.
I guess my story ends with no matter where you are in your walk with the Lord. No matter if you are satisfied with your relationship, he always has more. He has more to give, more to change. I cannot go back to the woman I was. That is not where my God wants me to be. He allowed me to walk through this pain and darkness, but he never removed his hand from me. I'm awake and alive with a new passion and new love for Jesus. If you are struggling today. If you feel alone, forgotten, you're not. Even if your faith feels feeble at best and prayers feel like they are disappearing into the atmosphere. They are not. God is with you and no matter how the situation looks, don't give up. Try not to become bitter because you feel left behind by your brothers and sisters in Christ. Look to Him, not them. No matter how wonderful they are (or are not) they cannot replace our father. People are frail and will at one time or another let you down, but God is always the same.
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| Results can be amazing |
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