Ghosts

Overcoming past hurts is a work in progress.  Finally 5 steps forward and one back rather than the normal two and one.  I have worked hard on myself and have depended on God like never before to put things behind me and push forward.  Wanting to be a great wife, loving mother and faithful friend.  Recently I have had my doubts towards my faith, but enough belief in the unseen to never abandon what my heart knows to be truth.
People and things from the recent past has been invading my dreams.  As I am trying to find balance in this whirl wind of emotions I find myself wondering why?  Why now? What is the hold? What am I doing wrong to cause this conflict in my mind, spirit and emotions?  How do I refocus and regain lost ground?
I'm going to try and not ponder on it too much.  I know enough to know that the mind can be tricky and if not guarded can become a playground for the enemy to attack and harm.  I feel lost and conflicted today.  Hanging on to what I know is the truth and fighting like crazy to not buy into the emotional side of my thoughts and feelings.  As I type the thought comes to mind.  I must be of value, why else would this attempt to distract me from the truth and destroy my from within be so high on the agenda of the enemy? I do know I am of value to my Father, my family and others who love me.  I know it is all worth the fight.  In the end victory in Christ is the only thing if true value.  I know what I need to do and I have to find a way to do it. To pick myself up and continue in the fight.

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules

Me with my girl Pri her son Zion and my baby boy Jesse.

This song was featured on Grey's Anatomy ...yeah it could be my song...

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops

Swam all across the ocean blue

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules

But baby I broke them all for you

Because even when I was flat broke

You made me feel like a million bucks

You do I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth

It's hiding the words that don't come out

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed

They don't know my head is a mess

No, they don't know who I really am

And they don't know what

I've been through like you do

And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true...I was made for you

~Brandi Carlile

7 years already?

The Eiffel Tower and magnifying glass made the cake!

Totally Spies! In Paris was the party theme.  My friend Heather Bernet is brilliant and came up with the theme, decorations as well as fun games that kept the kids entertained. 
Unfortunately I was ill and had to leave the party before the gifts and the cutting of the cake.
Hailey's party was a success and she was surrounded by people she adores when she made her birthday wish on a beautiful autumn day.

Hailey's cake

Hailey's cake. The Eiffel tower will be on top. as usual not exactly what I planned....but hopefully she will like it.
If I create something similar it will have a double layer on the bottom.

Potty, Puberty and Parting

Last Fall at Beak N Skiff

The last week has been incredible.  I am busy, almost too busy.  But I thrive in business.  I tend to let myself go and sometimes walk into mischief when I get bored.  Last weekend AJ was home from Elim.  It is a horribly long drive with a little boy strapped in a car seat.  I do what I can to help him stay occupied and satisfied, but Jesse had a really bad meltdown on the way home. 
Being a short visit I didn't get enough time in with my eldest.  I didn't know he had planned to come home 2 weekends in a row. I had already accepted and invitation  to meet with one of my closest friends, Paula for her birthday. 
I cried like a baby when he left Sunday afternoon and had mini meltdowns throughout the night.  I knew parting with my son would be difficult, but I really didn't expect it to feel quite like this.  My husband and I raised a good boy and he has grown into an excellent young man.  Although it really hurts to see him go, it is a blessing to know he is pursing his dreams and his dreams are God's call on his life.  He will be home again for a long weekend on Friday. 
I have been very sick the last couple days.  My 13 year old son, Wyatt has done what he could to help out.  Getting me Advil and Sudafed ever 4 hours or so and helping out with Jesse.  He is a good and generous young man.  Much like his older brother in  the kindness category, but Wyatt is definitely his own person.  He is funny and witty as his father and can be the life of the party when he is comfortable.  He is a bit shy at church, never wanting to go up for prayer or do anything to bring attention to himself.  I know the Lord has his hand on my "middle" child. He loves younger children and has compassion beyond measure. He drives me crazy leaving his clothes wherever he takes them off, wet towels in the floor and  dishes in the living room.  Then he surprises me with little things like taking time to fill the sugar bowl and starting the morning coffee.  He'll even change a messy diaper without complaint if I am not home to do it.  He adores both older and younger brothers. 

Jesse summer 2011

Jesse. What can be said about Jesse? My unexpected, midlife blessing strait from heaven.  He gives me almost as many headaches as he does joy.  He is 2 years and nine months old, I think a little tall for his age and incredibly handsome.  He takes after his dad's side of the family far more than the other boys, but I can see some of my blood in him too.  He is my constant companion and he adores me.  We started potty training  last Thursday and he is doing excellent.  Pleasantly surprising me as we go along.  He, at times, just goes by himself and demands I come to see his achievement and give him his sticker for his progress chart.  He is loving and stubborn, just like his older brother Wyatt he is a massive sugar freak and it is sometimes hard to get him to eat anything with nutritional value.  Being 45 with a young child is not where I saw myself when I planned for my future.  After the breast cancer diagnosis I wasn't even sure I would be 45.  My forty-sixth birthday is coming into view and I am cancer free and abundantly blessed.

I have a full and beautiful life.  I have a husband that I have loved since I was 18 and still hopelessly in love with. Three amazing children. I am close to my siblings even 1000 miles apart. I have an incredible church family, Pastors that are passionate about Christ, has integrity beyond words and loving toward their flock.  My three closest friends Irene, Paula and Keri keep me sane and entertained.  I have done nothing to deserve God's compassion and grace.  If anything I have made choices that should have had me punished, not blessed.  It is a great thing I did not receive what I deserved or my life would have been tragic.  I cannot imagine my life without Doug or our children I am so grateful for them.

Me and jesse

This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime� 6.5 or higher is required.

Sick Day

Me and my two younger sons have something going on.  Wyatt has the sniffles and a sore throat.  Jesse has been subject to an insect attack.  He is all itchy and some places swollen. I am thinking maybe a flea came off a cat when sleeping in his bed.  I need to change the sheets and blankets AGAIN and maybe get a plastic mattress cover for his bed. And for pity's sake keep the cats downstairs.  I have a sore throat and swollen lymph glands that are tender and generally feel ran down.
Jesse is watching Bubble Guppies and Wyatt is playing a video game.  I am trying to get things done a little at a time...it is not easy with no energy.