Ready or Not

Time to Move On....

Love is the only thing keeping me here....

It is the end of March and there is still snow on the ground....It doesn't feel like this winter will ever end.  But doesn't it feel that way with every trial? And yes I conciser a five plus month winter a trial.

I am finally able to get my bearings and move on from a most heartbreaking situation.  I think anytime a relationship ends, no matter the ending it takes time to recover.  I believe I have been through every stage of grief more than once...It has been about 8 months since my friend, someone I loved dearly, closed the door on our friendship and it is a little shy of that since I left the church I made my home for almost 10 years.  My Jesse was crushed by it all. And I hope he is finally satisfied with my explanations and will stop asking to go see his friend and asking why we can't go back to the old church.  But God is good and always faithful and we are happily planted at a church in Oneida.  He loves the kids church and is making new friends.  The only draw back is Oneida is about a half hour away and it makes it difficult to participate in much more than Sunday Services although I have joined the Mom's group on Tuesday.  Jesse is very happy with getting to go play with Elijah every week. I suppose it is true that everything happens for a reason and if we are lucky one day we will be able to understand why these things occurred.

I was present when my father in law left this world a little over a month ago. It is a loss that will not be overcome very easily. 

For the last three weeks I have been battling a viral lung infection. I cannot remember a time that I was sicker, not being able to breath, sleeping most of the day and not sleeping more than a few hours at night. I think I am at the end of it...I had energy this afternoon I have not had in weeks....Just another trial that I pray it will make me stronger in the end...You know one would think at my age I could stop growing...but I suppose as long as you draw breath there will be change and there will be personal growth.  I know I personally desire a relationship with God more these days than I have in a very long time.

I feel sad and lonely tonight.  The older boys are gone wherever older boys go when not at home and Doug is with his mom.  Jesse is watching TV and I'm piddling around the house trying to get some things caught up.  It is terribly dusty and is in the need of a spring cleaning.  Hoping tomorrow I can open the windows and let out this stale winter air...Spring! It has to come soon....

The Story

Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true, I was made for you

I climbed across the mountaintops

swam all across the ocean blue

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules

But baby I broke them all for you

Oh because even when I was flat broke

You made me feel like a million bucks

You do, I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth

It's hiding the words that don't come out

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed

They don't know my head is a mess

No they don't know who I really am

And they don't know what I've been through

Like you do, and I was made for you

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

Oh but these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true, I was made for you

Oh yeah, well it's true that I was made for you

Video

It's Not Over Till it is Over

I lost my father in law yesterday at around 4:35 pm. I don't have much to say about it....I feel he had a good death, surrounded by love.  He was extubated at about 1:00 and put on comfort care.  He was attended by his wife of a lifetime, Three of his children, 3 grandsons and myself.  Right now I feel numb...like the world has stopped although we continue to move in it.  Trying my best to be strong for my husband and family.

Missing Her

Twelve years ago today my Mother stepped from this world into Eternity. 

Twenty-Nine Years

There is nothing special about me and Doug. We are simple people.  He is from Central NY and I am from a small town in Georgia. We met, dated, lived together and married all within 9 months.  Nothing special about our relationship, just two people in love. Our wedding was nothing more than a suit, dress and a few words in front of a preacher...with my mom, stepfather, sister and a handful of his friends watching, thirty dollar gold bands and a homemade reception.  Here we are 29 years later, still together.  Nope other than our three sons there is nothing special about us....with the exception that God chose us to live and love together and I believe with all my heart God brought Doug all the way from his home town to mine because we were meant to be together...

Lizards, Aging, Sick Kids and Other Fun Stuff

Jesse turns 5

I'm in a weird mood today...I realized I have not blogged in weeks and that is okay...life is moving along, time is marching by and I have little control over most situations...the few things I (somewhat) feel control of is comforting to me...

Turbo

Several weeks ago I gave Whiplash (Lexi and new her name is Verity) to my friend Kara.  I didn't feel it was fair to my husband to have 3 bearded dragons when he probably doesn't want any.  Lexi could have easily been my favorite, but I felt if any were to go she was the best choice since I had the others longer.  I couldn't imagine parting with Turbo and Hiccup had bonded with me.
Currently I have Kara's little Dragon, Jack.  For some reason he had decided he didn't like eating and had failed to grow.  He is about 8 months old and the size of a 2 month old. Turbo is about 9 months old and his poop is bigger than Jack. I have had him a few weeks now. Force fed Repti-boost and treated him with Repti-aid.  He does eat now but he likes to be hand fed his insects.  Makes me wonder if there is something wrong with his sight. He does, however, eat greens from his bowl.

Jack

My little boy turned 5 on December 31st.  We had a knock out birthday party for him at the Oneida City Recreation Center.  I think that should do him till he is 10.  Wyatt turns 16 on January 19th and all he wants is a sleep over and his learner's permit. I however turn 48 on the 25th.  I have finally embraced my age...I spent most of my mid 40's wishing I didn't have to be in my mid 40's and now it is time to embrace age and enjoy the fact that I am for the most part healthy and majorly blessed and I need to enjoy life....the good and the bad. The birthday gift I bought myself should be in the mail today (and no, I do not have to wait to open it) I order the Anne of Green Gables trilogy as well as the  fourth installment Anne of Green Gables: The New Beginning from eBay..... not sure when it will arrive and I really want to see it although I have read some really bad reviews.  Anne is now middle aged and waiting for her son to return from WW1 and dealing with scars from her early childhood (or so the synapsis says) of course Megan Follows is not staring as Anne.  I wonder if a version of Gill will be in it.
Jesse William has been out of school since Christmas break.  He went on Monday (although I shouldn't have sent him) because of 2 hour delays Tuesday and Wednesday his pre k class was cancelled.  He has a residual cough so I kept him home today.... I need a little breathing room...my little love has such a strong personality...and can be quite demanding.
The leads to my last subject...other fun stuff...If I have not mentioned it before, I have a new job...I work 3 nights a week as a janitor (I know hard for me to believe too) at 2 local businesses.  I get paid for 10.5 hours a week, some weeks I work a little less and some I work over that amount of time.  The last couple of days have been great...I finished right on time...the one preceding were not so good...I was working 30-45 min over my allotted time.  In the North with the snow, ice, rock salt and muddy boots, cleaning a public building can be quite challenging...my supervisor told me I am in fact doing a good job though and both places left me Christmas gifts with a note reflecting my good work.  The harder work, lack of sleep (due to Jesse's congestion) and life stress seems to be wearing me thin.    I have a lot of work I want to do as I don't have to work tonight....

The loves of my life: AJ, Wyatt and Jesse

Wyatt helps me with Jesse...He also has his first job.  He works at the Equine and K-9 Supply store in town.  AJ has moved out with his friends and will be starting at the state college this month.  He also will help with Jesse if there is something Wyatt wants to do on a work night for me.
I guess things are moving along smoothy.  I have been going to Church on the Rock for a few months now. I stared going in around August not long after the floods paralyzed the city of Oneida. It is a good fit and even Jesse is starting to feel a part...I am overwhelmed by the love the church shows each other and the surrounding community...I really like it, people there are welcoming and took me in even with my baggage...I don't know why, but even with their kindness change is hard for me.  Another thing, I suppose I have to let go and let God work out.

Church on the Rock in Oneida NY. Click on image to view news coverage of the relief efforts lead by them in the community.

I want 2014 to be a good year for me and my family.  I have to make a few commitments to myself... One is to not be a bully to those around me...I tend to yell to get my own way (sometimes it seems I am not heard if I am not loud)...I need to take a moment and breath though the stress of homemaking. Another thing is to be kinder to myself.  I have list on top of list of things I feel I need to get done...and then feel like a failure because I cannot accomplish the impossible...less stress on me is a must...I have began to realize that I don't need a list of what to do to clean the bathroom (any room for that matter) that is just one more pressure point I add to my life that is not necessity. Not that  I don't want an immaculately clean house...I do, but it is not gonna happen...If the dishes are done, we can walk through a room and everyone is fed...well some days that is going to have to be enough...especially days I have to work...Prayer and Bible are also among my priorities.  Now that the holidays are behind us, I will also resume the Bible study The bondage Breaker with my friend Brenda Coe. And I will do it with more commitment and enthusiasm.  I am trusting and thanking God for all things...cause good or bad I know He has my back....

I Feel Desperate Today

Run to You

I run from hate, I run from prejudice

I run from pessimists, but I run too late

I run my life or is it running me, run from my past

I run too fast or too slow it seems

When lies become the truth

That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster

Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby

When it all starts coming undone

Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you

We run on fumes, your life and mine

Like the sands of time slippin' right on through

And our love's the only truth

That's why I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster

Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby

When it all starts coming undone

Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you

Whoa, oh, I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster

Into a new disaster so I run to you, I run to you baby

When it all starts coming undone

Baby, you're the only one I run to, I run to you, I run to you, yeah

Whoa, oh, I run to you

I run to you girl, whoa

I always run to you

Run to you, run to you

Lady Antebellum - I Run To You Lyrics

Changes…

I am just not the go with the flow kind of girl…There are a few to many changes in my life right now… As I have blogged before I have left my current church and attending one about a half hour away…that coincided with the death of a friendship…I had one friend walk out and an old friend walk in.  It was on it's way to year two since our disagreement and we saw each other in town, spoke and have been in contact since.  She pretty much got me my job at B&B maintence. I work 10.5 hours a week cleaning 2 local businesses. My eldest son moved out, my middle son has gotten his first job and tomorrow I take my baby boy to the hospital to have his dental work done under general anesthesia.  I am a little stressed out about that….there is little I can do about the situations in my life so I am just waiting to see how life turns out….