Obsessed or Something Like it....

Obsess: Preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent:

Infatuate: To inspire with unreasoning love or attachment.

Passionate: having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling

Crazy: Intensely enthusiastic; passionately excited


I have been, on occasion, labled as obsessed.  I was not sure (and I am still not) that I fit that description, so I looked it up. I found that on occasion my attachments can swerve toward obsession, but I think Infatuate is a bit closer.  For some reason the way my mind seems to work is I point my focus on one thing and devote myself to it until something more interesting steals my attention.
As far as I know I have always been this way...wired in the womb. But my first infatuation was I was around eight years old and it was cowboys.  Most of the shows were ones my mom liked and reruns like The Lone Ranger, Gene Autry, The Cisco Kid and my all time favorite Alias Smith and Jones.  Around 11 I traded in the 6 gun for a blaster when I devoted the next few years to Star Wars.  In my mind I could invest myself in any new world.  I was not like the girls in my grade.  I never thought romantically about any of the characters.  I was in love with them all and wanted to be part of  the story, brave and willing to risk myself to protect the innocent....As I grew older things like Dukes of Hazard and BJ and the Bear took my thoughts.  I was about thirteen and yes, my admiration was a little less than innocent.  I adored Denver Pile and truly wished Uncle Jesse was my grandpa. As I grew closer toward adulthood my focus changed to boys and then men. I met Doug and he literally took me out of this world.  He was my only focus for several years.Then AJ took the spotlight, Followed by Wyatt.  Star Wars was reintroduced into my life and that spun my imagination into overdrive The anticipation of two more films kept me busy.  Then my love affair with Lord of the Rings. The beauty behind those stories overwhelmed my mind. Then I met "The Boy Who Lived" I had seen a few of the movies, but in 2007 in anticipation of Book 7, I read The Half Blood Prince.  That was all she wrote (no pun intended) I was in love.  After the release of The Deathly Hallows, I went back and read the first five editions.
Crazy? Maybe, but in many ways my imagination rescued me from real life and possibly saved my life.
My latest infatuation is with a TV series Son's of Anarchy.  I can lose myself in that show and at times have to remind myself they are not real people.  Lately it has been the center of my thoughts.  Intrigued by the end of season four, I have gone back and re watched the first 2 seasons and I am about to pop open season three that I got for my birthday.
I do have outside interest other than books and Hollywood. For a time after the birth of Jesse, Mafia Wars, online friends and Webkinz ruled my life. What I thought was my escape became a prison of my own making.  It took years for me to break free. Setting limits and forcing separations, I am finally in control of my computer use. This benefits all of us because I have more time for the people I cherish and have time to seek other interests.
For a spell Cake decorating had taken my focus.  Classes, videos, television, websites and books....constantly wanting to learn something new.  I have sold a few cakes and given many away.  My love for buttercream cost me 12 lbs on the scales. I bartered 100.00 in baking for an elliptical...so you guessed it.  My new infatuation is fitness.  Weighing food and counting calories.  Using the new machine and body weight exercises to undo what I have done to myself.  Every time I step on the Elliptical and sweat out another workout I am focused on my family.  Knowing I am making choices the benefit them as much as myself.  I have the energy to play with Jesse. I have the stamina to keep the house cleaner and the desire to make sure the boys have healthier food choices and balanced nutritional meals.

I am concerned for my spiritual life.  For some reason I can't point my focus on God.  I try.  I pray even when it feels forced and I try to read from the Bible or a book on Christian living daily.  I regularly read Bible stories to Jesse and use Biblical examples in life lessons.  But I don't have the same drive, passion, obsession or infatuation I have for other things.  It really bothers me that I don't and I don't know how to fix it.  I can put aside the time I spend on other things and focus on Him, but my thoughts seem to wonder whenever I try to do that.  I hear a song in my head from one of Jesse's TV programs.  "Keep Trying, Keep Trying, Don't give up never give up"....I guess as long as the desire is there...I am not lost.

Obsessed, Infatuated, Passionate, Crazy....whatever the label....I am just me...I am finally starting to like the person I am.

**My husband just walked over and handed me a package. I thought it was a replacement cell phone battery, but to my joyous surprise it was a SAMCRO tee shirt from my brother.  Man I miss him.