Help! I am not a good blogger!

Turns out I am not a very good blogger. I wanted to take time to commit to this and over a year later there has been no updates. Turns out I have been living my life more than writing about it. My latest news is undergoing lung surgery. This was very hard on my body. The absolute worst life experience to date.I am amazed at how strong I really am. I am a fighter. I am going to win this fight too.

Let me go back a bit. I am a breast cancer survivor. I had Triple Negative Breast cancer in 2006. I had a suspicious spot in my uterus along with a few other frustrating symptoms it was recommended that I have a hysterectomy. This was preformed on October 15, 2019. I recovered very well from that and moved on with life as a busy wife, mom and grandmother.

I woke up one morning with a painful knot on my arm. It took a few months to show it to my doctor and he said it was a fat tumor. If it gets to big or starts causing discomfort I need to have it removed. Long story short on August 19, 2020 I had a very large sarcoma removed from my right arm just above the elbow. Because Sarcoma’s first movement is to the lungs it was insisted upon for me to have a chest CT. The first of a few was positive for lung nodules. Finally months later the right one has been addressed and removed. First look it is considered to be Neuroendocrine tumor. But it has to be sliced, diced and looked at from many angles before a diagnosis is given. In 2 weeks I see my surgeon and we will decide if the left lung needs work. Probably will have to remove 2 nodules from the top and lower lobe.

This is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I am very fortunate that I have a nice support system. I am being well cared for. 

So this is what I am up to. Just trying to make it through my current situation.

Feeling Out of Control

I have no idea where to turn. I believe I have people who cares about me but not enough to help me through another dark time in my life.
I feel frightened most of the time. I feel everything I try is doomed to failure. My youngest son does not belong in public school and I am struggling to get us back on track with homeschooling. I know we can accomplish great things, I just have to figure out how. When I started this I knew it would not always be easy but I knew he would be a good student. I just have tp step up to be a good leader.

Debt is mounting daily. I am trying to help us out with my part time job but it feels like trying to dig a hole with the tide coming in.
My anxiety and depression his crippling. There are days I just want it all to end. Just go to sleep and not wake up. The weird part is, even though I see death as an escape, I truly don't want to die.
I have lost people in the past and the pain I feel without them I do not want to put the on someone else.  Prayer and the thoughts of my family, the people I love and cherish keep me here. Even though here at times is unbearable.

New Beginnings

In Front of Dale's RV at Walker Stalker Con 2017
with my sister Karen and Niece Jennifer 

My blogging days seemed to have hit a end. I am hoping to resurrect my old blog and actually keep up with it this time.
A lot has changed in my life in the past few years since my last entry. I am living "home" again. West Georgia to be specific. Just outside a tiny little town in Haralson County called Buchanan pronounced Buck-canon.
Doug and I bought a perfect for us farmhouse on 2 acres of land. Jesse attended 3rd grade at Buchanan Elementary School but I plan to start his 4th grade year as a homeschool family.
I have quit my job at McDonalds to better prepare for the 2018/19 school year and get adjusted to the responsibilities and schedule of a stay at home mom.

My middle son, Wyatt no longer lives at home. He works full time and was ready to test his wings.  My eldest, AJ got married January 7, 2018 to our beloved Stephanie. That leaves the three of us. Father, Mother and young child as a family unit.

Over the past 2 years we have welcomed new pets. Two guinea pigs Amelia and his son Alex (long story) a puppy named Crash, a hamster named Nibbles and a replacement Beta Fish to be named later. Outside the house we have 3 half grown hens and one mature laying hen.

I think that is enough to get me rolling again. I hope to not only find time to write but find interesting things to write about.

Too Much is Too Much

It has been 5 months since my last entry. A lot has went on and some things have changed. Since I left my job in October I began seeing a wellness doctor that helped me a great deal. I have far less fatigue and rarely the need for antivert (meds for vertigo).  I was able to get a good bit of things cleaned out and organized, although there is still an amazing amount left to do.  I was doing so well it was my intent to return to work after the first of  the year.

In November my mother in laws health took a turn for the worst. She started with great joint pain.  After 2 stays in the hospital and a near death experience, On January 7th the hospital released her to mine and Doug's care. We met with hospice and ordered furniture and made our playroom her home. My loving husband had to pay almost 400.00 to transport one tiny woman an hour drive. I say that in disgust because of how people can take advantage of a bad situation, I do understand it is a business and they have employees to pay, vehicle payments and maintenance as well as insurance. Even trying to justify if for them, it seem excessive.

Shirley needed round the clock care.  That meant a sacrifice I did not consider. I could no longer drive my 7 year old to school. I made arrangements to have him picked up on the bus and balled my eyes out as I told him "This is what we HAVE to do".
We had her with us just 8 days. She came on a Thursday and died the following Thursday.  I cared for her as if she was my own mother.  I spent 6 out of the 8 nights sleeping in a recliner in her room. Its funny how strong you can be with you have to be. Even if you feel like a turtle without a shell during it.
The days that followed was hard.  Because of people's schedules we decided to have her funeral on January 25th (which happened to be my 50th birthday).

Now that it is all over (almost the ground is frozen so we have to have a later burial). I'm back to work very part time.  I get about 10 hours a week. I'm back to house searching for a southern home and back to packing and clearing this house.

I hope to continue to blog, I have really missed it.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

I am going through a very odd time of my life.  There is a pretty good deal of uncertainty.  For instance our move South. Doug an I both want it. He does because he needs to change work without changing companies...me, because the South is my home. So we have the uncertainty of selling the house, of buying a new house, of transfer for work, will my older sons come? And the list goes on and on. All i can do about the move is prepare.  And I am. Cleaning out and sorting, deciding what we'll keep and discarding what I can. I also have the uncertainty of my health and the uncertainty of continuing with holistic medicine do to the costs. I at times doubt my ability to care for this home and family.
A few weeks ago I chose to leave a job filled with people I truly care about thinking the reason is me being over stressed and having unresolved health issues. But now I think it was a God thing...bare with me a minute. The reason I say that is I felt I should have quit at the beginning of summer but I didn't I changed my schedule to work 2 days and be off the rest of the week to spend time with Jesse.  We were so busy trying to have "The Summer of Fun" I didn't have time to see what I have been seeing these last few days...particularly today...
We went from a busy summer to a hectic fall ...he started back to school and I started bad to work...
Before I continue let me tell you a little about my 3rd child. Jesse has always been special.  He has always had high needs and bigger personality than anyone I have ever met.  I have been trying to figure out for 6 years what is going on with him...what makes him so quirky? I have suspected everything from being a genius to a brat that needs a spanking to possibly Aspergers Syndrome.
The doctors can find anything unusual, but I know there is something there. After a miserable night and afternoon I come to suspect he has ADD/ADHD...I read an article that should have his picture on it...I don't know that will be a diagnosis I will just be shocked if it is not. If I had not spent as much time with him in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes, getting him ready for bed and helping him complete his list I would not have seen what I saw in him today...
I believe God wanted me to leave work at the beginning of summer and when I didn't he gave me just enough pressure to leave in the fall...I believe that because I finally slowed down he opened my eyes to the fact that Jesse needs my help. I love him more than anything in the world...I just want him to be okay.
Do I want to return to work? Yes...but right now my little boy needs all my attention, patience and support. I feel at peace for the first time in months.  I feel closer to God than I have in a few years. I know I need him...I was just to busy to realize it....How easy is it to forget he is just a breath away?

Ponderings

I don't spend much time on here lately.  I am a wife and a mom.  Although I have token on a part time job I still have tons of "at home" responsibilities and I recently became a troop leader for my little boys Lion Cub den (a branch of cub scouts).

Today I am pondering on my past and how it bumps into and influences my future...I recently listed to a podcast called Round Table.  It consists of the lead Pastor at air one and guest pastors just having discussions on random subjects.  One that clicked for me was one on getting past emotional trauma.  One of the pastors defined it as something happening to you that is beyond your abilities to cope. It doesn't have to be a tragic death, accident or a form of assault.  It simply has to be something beyond personal coping skills.
I am still struggling with a past hurt that was the *last straw kind of situation.  It left me traumatized and unable to handle my emotional state.  Not long afterwards I left a church that I was a member of for 10 years and went as far as to remove many of the members from my friends list...(I can further explain that later in this post). I found myself and my youngest child under the care of another church in another town.  It was a bandaid of sorts.  It helped to feel cared for and through love and acceptance I began to heal or so  I thought.  After about a year  I felt like God was calling me back to my church. My current Pastors were supportive and felt it was a good move for me to try and reconcile things.  And I think that is just what the calling was.  For me to have a chance to make emends to people I may have hurt during that time.  I went back for a few weeks and now I have been away from church altogether for a few weeks.
 As to what happened that caused the emotional trauma, I am still dealing with my emotions over that.  I wish I had someone that could lead me through to the other side, but I don't so I am having to take it one day at a time, one emotion at a time, one memory at a time as I sort thought this. I always thought of myself as strong and could handle anything so this has taken me by a miserable surprise. That over a year later it still has the ability to shake me to my core.... but I have forgiven and still love the person that was the center of it.

I want to elaborate on my deleting friends on Facebook...none of them did anything to be treated poorly by me.  I was simply hurt and hurting people tend to afflict hurt on other people.  I desperately wanted to be adopted by my church.  I wanted my little one to have a chance to grow up with their kids and for us to be loved.  When things didn't happen in the manner I desired, seeing their happiness, celebrations, birthday parties and so forth and we were not included was just too much for me to take after the *last straw.  I know I was expecting too much.  I know that people who are not my kin are not responsible to replace the family I have lost or just miss....but for some reason that is what I wanted and it grieved me that it didn't come to pass.

I'm not sure where I will go from here...Rest assured that I may have lost my faith in church but my faith in God remands strong.  I still pray, seek to find time to be with Him and I may not do it as much as I should but I do try to be the word. I know I have got to find a place for Jesse and I to worship with other believers. I trust his guidance...