Dixie Cups

I Don't Know Why It Happened...

But I managed to cut off my only escape route.

Beautiful Morning

I started the day with my wonderful three year old.  He loves to lay in bed with me and chat in the mornings. Things in my life must change.  I have decided to run my life instead of allowing it to run me.  For the last two weeks I have been using a chore list I found on a Christan Woman's blog, it has truly helped take the pressure off my schedule and I get more done.  The house is cleaner and when I don't spend too much time on the computer, I spend more time with Jesse. I started working out today.  Fifty  minutes with weights and 30 minutes on the elliptical.  I don't know if it will take this time, but for today, I really want to get healthy and slimmer.  Doug needs my help too.  I need to cook lighter and learn to fry less and reduce salt.  He has high blood pressure and I have high cholesterol.  Today is grocery list and menu day, so I will also research healthier recipes.  Hopefully as I gain control of my natural life, I will begin to work on the Spiritual too.  I have felt separated from God for a very long time.  To the point I am struggling to believe at all.  I read in a devotional yesterday that most things we don't work for we don't appreciate.  I felt I should apply that to my relationship with God.  No one can "give" it to me and these people I admire have put time and effort in to know Him and to have a personal relationship.  My flesh gets in the way too often.  My feelings get hurt or I get offended or I just choose sin over right because I need to feel good right now.  Instant gratification has served me well in the past, but it is not enough anymore. I want something real, something worth fighting for.  Just like my housework, these things I want to change won't happen on their own.  It is going to take daily effort on my part to see these changes through.  I have to be patient with myself on those days I don't perform the way I feel I should.

Queen of Insanity

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein

Sad Face

I am struggling with depression and anxiety again.  Everything seemed to be getting better, but the last few weeks I have been slipping into darkness.  I fight it...I count blessings, exercise, try and engage in projects that excite me, spend time with the kids, search for ways to encourage others and get my mind off myself.  I guess I am going to have to contact my doctor.  Really don't want to do that as I have been working to reduce medications and I am sure increasing will be the answer she gives me.  Now that my vitamin deficiency has been corrected and thyroid issues addressed I guess it is time to reevaluate the depression. For now I will keep plugging alone...cherishing the good days and managing the bad ones....

 

The last few weeks have been unreasonable. I bring it on myself trying to pack in too much work in one day. Why do I do it? A number of reasons. But I am only going to list a few.
I want to bless my family. Working hard hard gives me a sense of accomplishment. I take pride in my home and it makes me feel important to have a clean and orderly home. I want Doug to be proud of me and I feel when I have worked as hard as he does he appriecates my efforts.
I find it sad that I get my identity from being a good house keeper and mother. But that is what I am. Who I am is still a mistery. In this struggle to be a good everything I find myself exhausted in my body, my mind and even in my spirit. All I know to do is keep plugging along...maybe some balance will manage to surface when I least expect it.

September 11, 2012

Something to look forward to.  I miss my wicked boys (and girls)

First time I read Emma Goldman wasn't in a book. I was sixteen, hiking near the Nevada border . The quote was painted on a wall in red. When I saw those words it was like someone ripped them from the inside of my head.
Anarchism... stands for liberation of the human mind from the dominion of religion; the liberation of the human body from the dominion of property; liberation from shackles and restraint of government. It stands for social order based on the free grouping of individuals.
The concept was pure, simple, true, it inspired me, led a rebellious fire, but ultimately I learned the lesson that Goldman, Prudot and the others learned. That true freedom requires sacrifice and pain. Most human beings only think they want freedom. In truth they yearn for the bondage of social order, rigid laws, materialism, the only freedom man really wants, is the freedom to become comfortable." ~John Teller

Season 5 this September

Survival

I'd say I have more than an average life.  Nice home, supportive husband, beautiful children, enough food, water and other necessities.  I remind myself of this to keep moving.  I'm having another day of extreme anxiety.  I am struggling to hang on to my personal beliefs in a mediocre relationship with God ( of course, the problem lies within me, not Him). Trying to keep my sanity while my three year old challenges everything I say and it seems there is nothing I can do right no matter how hard I try to accommodate him.  Wyatt is sick, he has been since Sunday.  I fear it is bronchitis. I forgot yet another orthodontist appointment even though I checked the calender and made not Wyatt had an appointment.  I am constantly overwhelmed with the lack of AJ's tuition.  As it sets now he can go back this semester...but I have no idea what will happen after that.  Through my eyes it looks impossible.  He seems to believe that this is where God wants him and it will somehow work out.  Faith...where is mine?
I have thrown myself into homemaking.  Working round the clock to bless my family...Trying to make Doug's time at home pleasant...somehow I think I am losing myself along the way. Friends are scarce...Either working or busing themselves with summer activities...I'm much to old to feel this insecure..

Sweet Escape

"The Sweet Escape"
 

If I could escape I would but,
First of all, let me say
I must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?

If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favorite girl (forever), Perfectly together
Tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet, I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better, Tell me boy wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

I want to get away, to our sweet escape
I want to get away, yeah

You held me down, I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let's bounce, counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground
So baby, times get a little crazy
I've been gettin' a little lazy, waitin' on you to come save me
I can see that you're angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me, wanna take you with me

If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favorite girl (forever), Perfectly together
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet (sorry boy)
I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

Songwriters: Stefani, Gwen; Thiam, Aliuane; Tuinfort,

Finally...

A place all my own...

Not that I am complaining, like most people I have shared a room with someone most of my life.  Starting with my sister, Karen and then my husband, Doug.  We still share our bedroom.  I needed my own space simply because my mate normally sleeps days, so if I forget to get something before he goes to sleep I either do without or quietly feel around in the dark to retrieve it.
I wish I would have thought of this sooner, then again, sooner would not have been the right time.  After moving Jesse into his playroom, I took possession of his original bedroom.  It is a tiny little room.  Maybe a bit bigger than a walk in closet, just enough room for my dressers, chair and bookcase...This morning it was wonderful to have full access to my things and to sit at my vanity and do my make up in my beautiful dressing room....get me a TV and a coffee maker and I might never leave....

My mom's dresser/vanity I left the matching piece in my sleeping quarters. There is still, this and that to finish, but I'm pretty pleased thus far.

I need to put the rest of my books away, 86 the lizard print curtain and repaint the bookcase. My stepfather built it for my mom a very long time ago.  Carpenter, he was not...

This little dresser was bought for AJ when he was a baby...it has gone through him and Wyatt.  When I can I will refinish it and give it some new hardware.  My friend Pri gave me a rug for this room.  It is too big so I replaced my living room one and hopefully my old one will fit.

Making Changes

This is our Den...loving referred to as the blue livingroom or the play room.  Since Jesse spends 70% of his time in there I decided it should be his bedroom

All piled up so I could steam the carpet

All my books and  fireplace cover that was never attached

he loves the space

After my 72 hour journey to make this Jesse's room...first to go was the dilapidated couch

This poor wardrobe is 15 years old...My mom bought it for Wyatt's baby shower...still hanging in there despite the abuse.

Moved the entertainment center and removed all my books from there. 

His bed fit perfectly in the little nook.

This is about 2x as big as his old room...maybe a bit more.  I replaced the fire place cover with a baby gate, moved down his dressers too

Got 2 new fish and a hatching dino.

I didn't plan on buying this for him, but he wanted it so bad.  He benefited from my bottle return.

Next project is a dressing room for me....It will be nice to have full access to my things....