Wednesday, August 31, 2011

If Johnny Can Do It So Can I


Mad Hatter doing the Futterwacken

My depression is once again trying to get out of hand....I really don't want to have to call Dr Barb. I can't get an upgrade on drugs every time there is a significant change in my life. I want to get to a point to start reducing Mother's Little Helpers....
I have to realize that every parent goes through this.  He is safe, happy and doing as he wants with his life.....I am very proud and happy for him.  I just miss his face, his brief hugs and his laughter.
I know it will pass....things will get better...till then I'll just have to keep dancing.
You're not the same as you were before You were much more..."muchier" You've lost your "muchness"- Mad Hatter to Alice

Monday, August 29, 2011

There's nothing so bad as parting with one's children

There's nothing so bad as parting with one's children....
I hope this passes soon....

Wide Eyed Wonder




I took a walk this morning for the first time in months.  I noticed the scenery of  the beautiful landscape that I could enjoy anytime I want to.  This is yet another thing I have taken for granted.
During this walk I came face to face with a doe.  We stared at each other for a few seconds until  I said "good morning" and her white tail flew up and she ran away.  She is just and example of wildlife I can and have encountered daily. I admired trees, cat tails, woods and an open land that had the appearance of a meadow.  I had a wonderful time on this beautiful crisp morning as Morrisville is entering an early fall.

It is strange how a person can get so far away from the person they are. It happened to me.  I was at a crossroad where I was not even sure if the person I was ever existed. But she was still in there...The person I could actually like. The woman that can enjoy simple pleasures of God's creation. I am actually enjoying life again.  There is so much beauty in my normal life.  Good friends, loving family as well as a new appreciation for the creation of God.

I still don't feel well.  I was hoping the walk would help renew my energy.  I am sleepy and almost lethargic.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

From the Cradle to the Dorm Room

Serious discipleship, practical experience, high standards


My husband Doug and our two younger sons Wyatt and Jesse made our way to Lima NY to take our eldest child, AJ to Elim Bible Institute.  He is starting his first semester in their Year in the Son program.  Things went smoother than I anticipated.  I guess my week of meltdowns helped me be prepared for the actual parting. 
It was interesting meeting people and getting his dorm room set up. He is rooming with a boy from Baltimore, Ian Eppard. I could tell poor Ian was nervous, but he settled in just fine. He and AJ have a common interest in music.  They had several guitar jam sessions before bedtime.  AJ's excitement was amazing.  Because he already knows a handful of people attending, he seemed to have felt at home the moment we drove on campus. He also feels it is God's direction for him to attend EBI.  He has been working and saving for months. With a little help from his dad, tuition is paid for this semester.  I believe (hope) he has everything he needs.  I shutter to try and add up all the extras he needed from clothes- computer.  We stayed with him for orientation and supper.  My friend Mart was there too.  Her and her family bringing Emily.  We have known them for about 8 years so in a way they grew up together.  It was a relief for me for AJ to have someone from our church with him.
We took a different route home.  Strait down Route 20.  Although it was easier it was also a much longer ride. Too many towns and low speed limits. Taking the thruway was considerably faster, even with being lost for a about 5 minutes.
It doesn't seem that long ago that he was trying to survive third grade in a new state.  Me and my boys hung together to get through the transition. He called Central New York home a lot sooner than I did. Watching him grow from a premature infant to a mature19 year old college student has been an honor and a blessing....
My son has officially left home....
 Tonight I feel the "loss". I miss him terribly and have had a blinding headache and no energy all day.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Freedom




I think I have found freedom.  Something happened recently, just a friendly reminder of who I was and where I had been "popped" up.  It did effect me, I did lose a little ground, but God is faithful even in the mist of uncertainty.  I am so glad I had the strength and the faith to push though the circumstance.  One more step to healing, one more step to true happiness. And best of all ...I don't have to be that person ever again.

Rough Day



Wyatt had his friend James spend the night. And Irene's two younger boys needed to come by, a mix up in their schedule.  The kids don't bother me as a matter of fact I usually enjoy having a houseful.  Wyatt gave me a little attitude when I told him he shouldn't leave Jesse out.  I know he is way younger, but most of  the time there are ways to include him.  I never allowed AJ to treat Wyatt like that. I do have Jesse separate for now.
I think a lot of my stress today has to do with Doug, I try very hard to guard his sleep and he still doesn't get enough rest.  I have stayed on the older boys all day trying to keep it to a dull roar.  Irene's will go to work at four and James' mom will come and get him after work.
I was suppose to go to lunch with Irene. I forgot AJ had an appointment.  It was a disappointment to cancel. I have some things I would like to talk through with her....stuff I don't want to email.  She is a bright spot in my life and I know I can trust her to help me sort through...We will meet tomorrow instead at a new restaurant in Cazenovia; Dave's Place.
Tomorrow is AJ's last day home.  We take him to Elim Saturday.  Don't think for one moment that I am not feeling that.
I think I am going to slip my little boy upstairs for a nap.  He should sleep well.  I took him out to play before lunch.  He really ran around and we jumped on the trampoline together...played goose...there was not enough to play duck duck goose.  He is so smart.  I love him desperately.


Certainty



A conversation with my husband last night that normally would have sent me whirling down in a tailspin, amazingly didn't fill me with concern.  A few months ago it would have.  God has done many works in me over the last few months and I have faith that our future is in His hands. No matter what situation is placed in front of us, God has a plan.  Even though things are pretty hazy at the moment, I trust my husband to make the best decisions for our family. I most certainly trust God.  I may never know the why, but maybe the events that are unfolding are answers to prayer. 

Matt 6
 25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
 34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Scarlet and Peeps

If you know me at all, you would know one of my biggest weakness is love for animals. When my boys went to a bonfire Sunday night, they found a chick that was being picked on by the others and was not being mothered by any of the hens (that is the story anyway). The owners of the farm are on vacation so of course they brought the baby to me to keep safe until our friends get home. I have enjoyed this little creature a great deal. Jesse is making it being here a challenge. I will miss him when he goes back to his owners. But won't miss Jesse's constant begging to hold him and crying his eyes out when we put him back in his box.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Dancing Again



I found myself dancing before the Lord singing Restore to Me from the Glory Reveled CD.  I love feeling the Spirit of God around me and having the freedom to express my love for Him.
To once again live my life uninhibited is awesome!

Live Like There is No Tomorrow




Not long after writing my post 'Heart Lessons' last night, I was enveloped with joy.  For no reason this big smile appeared on my face and I was happy. Nothing in my situation had changed, only my attitude. I still feel that blanket of joy this morning.  The Father gave me a heart lesson.  He showed me that joy can be found during any situation.  Even in the mist of a battle, trial or heart ache, I can look to him, run to him and allow His joy to invade me, especially during times it doesn't seem fitting to be happy.

This morning my mind went strait to AJ. My efforts to help my child out of the nest. What needs to be done today? Then my thoughts turned to the missions trip he plans to go on over Christmas break (first Christmas without him) and the thought came rushing in what if he something happens to him? What if I never see him again?
I started to get upset and seconds later this thought came to me. I could could fall down our stairs, right now and last night would have been the last time I saw my children.  What is the last thing I said to them? Was it kind? Was it words I would want them to remember? To be honest I can't remember, but I do know any moment in my life could be my last and I want the people I love to remember me as loving and kind, not stressed out, constantly fighting battles I have already won.  I want every moment I am with them to be as if it was my last moment on earth.  Words to be kind, loving, encouraging. Words to build them up.Bless them. Allow them to know how important they are, even when it is difficult to be in the same room with them.
I encourage you to live this moment as if this is the last breath you take on this planet. Live every moment, make it count. It may not be easy at first, but love goes a lot farther than words of venom.  Bless the people around you today. Never know who's life may be changed, just by a gift of kindness.

After safely maneuvering my body down our stairs, I started humming this Chris Thomlin song.  And for me this pretty much sums things up.


The Way I Was Made
Songwriters: Cash, Ed; Tomlin, Chris; Reeves, Jesse;

Caught in the half-life, I'm caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I?m tired of, what's holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
And all I've forgotten help me to find
Of all that You've promised let it be in my life

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down

Monday, August 22, 2011

Live and Love with You this Charming Life



I am finding so many reasons to smile.  
No matter the bumps along the way, I love my life.
I am alive, healthy, active, in love and blessed with love from so many in my life.
At this moment I am happy and very content.I am smiling and incredibly happy and for no reason.
Nothing has changed but my mood!

Thank you Lord for you kindness and favor.

Heart Lessons




As  I walked to the mailbox I spotted more weeds that has to be removed from my flower bed.  I was out there weeding 2 days ago.  Trying to keep up with it is tough, but the beauty and joy it brings makes it worth the effort.  My life is much like my garden, my whole yard in general.  The vegetable garden was planted with a weed guard in place.  The main part of it has been free of weeds from the beginning of my planting. 
There are large areas we use as our yard (about 2 acres of our 7 plus acres) that is wild with thorn bushes, seedlings, weeds, poison ivy, all sorts of wild vegetation and yet, more flower beds that are overgrown....these are things that I can can conquer in time, one section at a time. 
I think my biggest frustration is my large flower bed. It took weeks to clear out. It was over taken by multiplying perennials and weeds.  I took control of it by ripping out everything that didn't belong. But, there is always work to be done, maintenance is a constant to not only remove the the new weeds, but more importantly battle the ones that have already been taken care of . The ones that relentlessly reappear because I cannot seem to get to the depth of the root.

There are places in my heart that have always been protected.  Places that are wild, but controllable and the area of my biggest concern.  That dark place in my heart that I have to battle continually, that is relentless, that wants to over run all that is good and beautiful.  The same issues, the same struggles and the same pain. I grow weary of  this battle. But I know that every effort I make for the upkeep of my soul to be the woman God intends me to be is worth the fight, pain and frustration of battling my own mind and circumstances.  No matter how long it takes, I will fight, win and become the better for it. I know in my heart, no matter how hard or how long I am always in the presence of my living, loving Father.

Psalm 30:11,12
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

My Own Worst Enemy?




     “The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
 The God of my strength, in whom I will trust;
      My shield and the horn of my salvation,
      My stronghold and my refuge;
      My Savior, You save me from violence.
 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised;
      So shall I be saved from my enemies.
 “When the waves of death surrounded me,
      The floods of ungodliness made me afraid.
  The sorrows of Sheol surrounded me;
      The snares of death confronted me.
 In my distress I called upon the LORD,
      And cried out to my God;
      He heard my voice from His temple,
      And my cry entered His ears.


What if my worst enemy is me? How does God save us from ourselves?

This day was beautiful and hard at the same time.  Jesse was beyond ridiculous when I was getting him ready for church.  We managed to get there on time and he behaved better than he has in a long time.  Worship was beautiful, I saw my son on the team for the last time at least for several weeks.  I could feel the spirit of God in the service. Many of us were uninhibited and worshiped  with joyful singing, dancing and shouts of praise.
Pastor John preached on Baptism and I think I will be Baptized next Sunday.  I  want to publicly proclaim my love for Jesus. I want to be immersed and rise in Christ to start my life truly dedicated to God.  With all I the circumstances of what I have been through and done to myself,  I want to leave all that grief, pain and shame in the grave....let the filth of the person I despise be washed away and rise again with Jesus.  Also, I feel it is time for a birth of sorts into Resurrection Life Fellowship. My heart has been torn for years between the church here and my "home church" in Georgia. I was saved there and still have a deep connection to Pastor Carla. I know I have to stop living in two states. I need to be planted. I need to be planted here and I want to serve God here.

Depression is strong.  I am hoping it has to do with the grief I feel letting go of my eldest child. As life moves on and I see he is happy and blossoming in college and school starts back for Wyatt hopefully we can get into a schedule and life may settle down and allow me to have a sense of normalcy.  I am so tired of the roller coaster of emotions. I want to be free whole and healed so I can make a difference in the lives of people in my community and bless my family and friends.



The LORD is my rock, my fortress, 
and my savior; my God is my rock, 
in whom I find protection. He is my shield, 
the power that saves me, and my place of safety.



Saturday, August 20, 2011

Letting Go


At Camp Shiloh 2011 "The New Normal"


I am in the middle of an AJ meltdown. I have been preparing for this time for years, but here it is exactly one week until I drive him to college. It feels like the last week that he is "mine".  After Saturday he will be on his own.  I assume my grief is perfectly natural.  All I know is how bad it hurts.  I am happy for him and so proud of the young man he has become, but my heart and my thoughts goes back to when he was my constant companion, before Wyatt was born.  He always wore a ball cap and cowboy boots. My little boy,  how wonderful it felt when he ran to my arms. What a joy he was. At times when he was little it felt like the responsibility and neediness would never end. It did end and far faster than I imagined.  I know I still have Wyatt (whom I adore) and Jesse is who is still a baby really.  And they are a great comfort, but they can't take the place of AJ.  Yes, letting go, to date, the hardest thing I have done. 


With Bethany and Emily Karaman.  Em is also going to Elim

Friday, August 19, 2011

Happy Birthday to My Favorite Girl

My Beautiful niece Jennifer turned 15 today.

Jennifer and Jesse June 2011

Happy Birthday Lou!

Productively Long Day




The day started gently enough.  I woke early, but fell asleep on the couch. Not long after I dozed off, Jesse joined me and we slept until 9:30 snuggled together under a Finding Nemo throw.
I went to meet a lady from our Freecycle group to pick up some items for Jesse.  She gave him a tee ball bat, a left handed glove and a handful of books.  Afterwards,I made a quick run to Hamilton to look for sheets. No luck, next to buy gas and finally take my boys back to school shopping. We journeyed to Dewit to Plato's Closet where we found some good bargains. Wyatt left with a variety of shirts, three pairs of shorts, 3 pair of jeans and Nike sneakers.  AJ picked out six dress shirts.  I actually bought myself a cute clutch. No need for a purse....oh how I hate purses.
It was a nightmare shopping with Jesse.  He hid in the clothes and I found myself in a semi panic searching the store for him.  When he crawled out of his hiding place I quickly discovered he had pooped his pants.  After cleaning him up, I put on his monkey halter (basically a cute leash) and tried to entertain this unruly child for more than an hour in a small crowed store. Ruffly two hundred and fifty dollars later we were checked out and headed to Target. There we finished up AJ's clothing needs, got Jesse a Barney DVD and headed to the last store which really didn't have anything we could use. Finally, we pointed the car East and headed back to Morrisville. Tired, stressed not to mention broke.  I am through for the day. 
Doug is working, AJ is gone to spend the night at Camp Shiloh with his long time friend Alec and Wyatt has his friend James over spending the night.  It is time for my little wild man to get a bath and try to get him settled for bed.  Hopefully I will find some way to relax now this day is at an end. It was a long day, but I am very grateful to God that we were able to bless our children.  One week and AJ is off to college.......

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

Jesse and Zion.  They were both through for the day.  They could make a good ad for Children's International.  Jes and his empty plate and Zion Crying.  This is one of my favorite pictures of them.


But it is a sunny Thursday....why am I feeling down today?
I think it is stress.  I have been working hard to give everything to God and trust him, REALLY trust him in all things. It is not as easy today for some reason. Both of the younger boys and Scarlet (our dog) slept with me last night. I have grown accustom to sleeping in a foot and a half wide space, but last night it seemed to be even smaller.  I woke far from refreshed and sore.

AJ at nineteen has fallen victim to identity theft.  A former employee of Georgia Radiology took his SSN and claimed him as a dependent on their income tax return. Three different government agencies are involved.  It is a mess. I pray  that is as far as it goes.  I also prayed for the person that took it.  There are some truly rotten people in the world and then there are desperate people who may do desperate things at times. 
Our friend James Munafo was here last night to spend time with AJ and Wyatt.  Wyatt wiped out going down our sidewalk heading back down to the fire pit...Today I spent most of the mid morning at Immediate Care. Fortunately it is just a bad sprang and inflammation.

For some reason, I am really missing David Camp. Maybe it is because Pastor Kristy is lending AJ Dave's school books from Elim.  I think when I miss Dave I am sharing a small bit of her pain. On days like this I pray especially hard for her.  Mother to mother I can only imagine the pain of losing a son. I really loved that boy.  He was so special to many people.
AJ and Wyatt are on the way to see Pastors John and Kristy. AJ wants their advise on the directions he is taking toward his Christian education.  I wish I would have had time, I would have made them a treat.
I'm going to lay down and snuggle with my favorite toddler and watch Barney.  Hopefully we both will get a bit of rest.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

He Has My Back




I have a whole new view of my life.  I am so blessed.  I must be one of God's favorite children (we all are). I woke up knowing that everything was going to be okay. With my past behind me and a bright future before me. God has my back in so many ways...
Five years ago Satan attacked me physically and I could have died, many people afflicted with cancer do. I lost my mother to lung cancer....but not only did I survive, I believe I had an easy time of it.  Surgery was not my favorite expience, but Chemotherapy went smoothly and the radiation treatments didn't effect me physically. I am here, healthy and happily living my life. God gave me Jesse too.  I am so sorry for  thinking he is holding me back...he is hard sometimes, but he is wonderful and being his mommy at a ridiculous age of 45 challenges me, makes my life interesting and keeps me going. He (and I) are here for a purpose and I must raise him to know the Lord.
"Cancer didn't kill her so lets attack spiritually and mentally" I can almost hear the conversation.  I went through 2 plus years of depression that threatened my life and my family.  Once again, the enemy had a tight hold,  but my love for my God and my family overwhelmed the darkness and I managed tosurvive.  All it took was opening my heart to my husband and learning the father and daughter dynamics of my relationship with God. I am married to my best friend and he does not only love me, he adores me. We are happier and stronger than ever. 
Why destroying me is so high on the enemy's list I may never know...I can assume it is to get to my children.  
I am at peace with AJ working his way through school. Doug and I, of course will sacrifice as much as we can to help him, but working for this will build his character and it really shows how committed he is to become a minister. Wyatt wants things that are not in my reach to give him.....he is able bodied and should go to the local farms and look for work or to the neighbors to do chores for them....I believe things are going to be easier from now on. Not because the circumstances have changed.....but because my attitude has.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Choices



I got crushing news today concerning one of AJ's scholarships. Turns out because he is already enrolled he is not entitled to the funds.  I was pretty upset when I first heard the news.  But I thought about it and decided instead of a pity party I was going to have a praise party!  I know who is in control and I won't let this grunting giant steal my joy or damage my faith the God has got AJ taken care of.  I will pray for double the portion that was taken from him and whether or not we receive it I will praise God!


 My love and devotion to God is not going to be effected by life's circumstances.

What is your Goliath?



He Taunts You with bills you can't pay, people you can't please, habits you can't break, failures you can't forget, and a future you can't face. But just like David, you can face your giant, even if you are not the strongest, the smartest, the best equipped or the holiest.
~Max Lucado


I woke this morning with the same dread I went to sleep with. How am I going to get this money AJ needs? I'm grounded with Jesse, we certainly don't have it in our household budget. How am I gonna do this? When that was the first thing I thought of this morning was the problem, well RED FLAG! I realized that I was making the money bigger than God. I quickly gave the problem to Him and apologized for my lack of faith. If AJ is suppose to go on the 2 week mission trip in December God will supply the way. Am I willing to work for it? Of course! But whatever monies I bring to the table cannot be seen as my victory. I feel in my spirit that God wants to provide this and it can't be seen as my giving my all to "earn it". It has to be to the glory of God. If you have never read Facing Your Giant's by Max Lucado, I strongly suggest that you do. It certainly helped me to see things in a right point of view.
Praise God in the Highest. He is worthy of all our praise. Trust in Him! He is so trustworthy and have faith to believe even if it doesn't work out the way the human mind wants it to, doesn't mean it is not working out right. He knows what is best for all of us. He loves us all individually and knows us personally. I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude for my Father this morning.

David. You could read his story and wonder what God saw in him. His life has little to offer the unstained, strait-A saint. He fell as often as he stood, stumbled as often as he conquered. But for those who know the sound of Goliath, David gives us this reminder:

Focus on Giants - You Stumble
Focus on God - Your Giants Tumble
~Max Lucado

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I'm His




As I was cleaning the other day, I noticed some of our belongings and I pondered on how do I know that is mine? Well the things I have were either purchased by me or given to me.  Most of them are either useful or just loved.  In the same way how do I know my children are mine? well, I gave them life. I love them and I would give anything up to my own life for them. Someone else can try to claim them, but they know me,  they love me and they have a personal relationship with me.  If another woman tried to lure them away from me, they would refuse the others and say "you are not my mom" and they would choose to stay with me.

This little lesson had me thinking on how do I know I belong to God? Well, I accepted Jesus and that makes him my savior and His father my father.  I was bought by him with his very life. He gave me life. Now that I belong to him he will not let go of me.
 
Listening to Satan can easy even for a seasoned Christian. And the further a person gets from God's truth the harder it is to hear the voice of the Father and buy into what the father of lies is saying.  That is the time to call on the truth.  Declare sonship. Refuse the lies and speak to the laughing giant.  I know who I belong to and you can never have me again.
The enemy may not be able to take my salvation, but he can be allowed to steal my joy and make me totally ineffective to the Father's kingdom. Who would want what I have if when being a Christian I am anxious and depressed all the time?  The world already has that wonderful curse. 
God reassured  me as to who I am. I am his daughter, cherished and loved.  Made perfect through his son and saved from a fate I more than deserve. Just like kids in school, the enemy can call me names and say things that hurt and distract.  But as a princess in my father's house I don't have to believe the accusations. I can cling to my Papa and enjoy the safety and affection I can only receive from Him.  I am a daughter of the King.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Mountains and Valleys




Yesterday in the middle of a pitty party I came to the realization that just because I lost my "high" from rededicating my life to Christ doesn't mean something is wrong.  After several days of sadness and wonder it was literally like a light bulb came on.  I realized that God had me on that mountain to gain my strength and heal, which is an awesome place to be and hard to leave.  As life carried on and I had my family and responsibilities interfering in the spiritual, I was on my way down.  I wouldn't say I am in a valley, but I think I am ready if it is time for me to go there.  Mountain time is beautiful. To walk and to feel the presence of the Lord so strongly the faith comes easy.  It is down below that I have to remember the mountain top experience as I face daily challenges.  On the days my faith is tested and I am being stretched and tested.  Down below is where the growth is and where I can give out to others what God gave me in the safety of His arms.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Life is short...smile your way though it.

dazed



This is a free write day. Not sure where I am going or it there will be rhyme or reason in this post.
The house is quite.  Doug and Jesse are at Grammy's house, Wyatt is at youth and AJ is in Rome counseling at Camp Shiloh's Junior (11-13) campers.  At least that the the age group he requested. He had primary (8-10) last year and he feels Juniors won't be as much work.  For me I enjoyed primary more than Juniors.  I could relate better to them and they let me be a "mom" to them.  I took AJ to Rome this morning, a half hour late for orientation, but they were understanding.  Our church is heavily involved in the camp. Many of our kids go and many of our adults help out in some fashion.  I have Jesse. Going to camp is not possible for me although I would love to be there this week.  It is a hard week, little sleep, big responsibilities, always on the go, but the rewards are amazing.  Seeing God work in the lives of these children is priceless.  I think I am going to see if I can help in some way next year, just to be a part. One way I can help is set aside a little money each week to support a camper. 
Having Wyatt home is nice.  We watched an episode of Wipeout I recorded for him.  That show is too funny.  The stupid things people will do in hopes to win cash. Tomorrow everything goes back to normal.  Doug goes to work and me and the little boys will hang out together.  I have got to find balance in my life.  I worked so hard on the house that Jesse got ignored and so did God.  Balance is so hard to find.  I can discipline myself in one way and go over board with it.  I can do it all if I just find a right combination.  Relationship with God, family, home is the right order, but just how do I execute? 
I'm often scared. Scared of people's opinions, finances, parenting, losing loved ones, being on the outside at church, relationship with God, life without Doug.  The list can go on forever and can change daily.  I'm tired of being anxious and worried. I thought this was behind me.
I guess I should take advantage of this alone time and try and pray, eat ice cream and waste and hour or two watching TV.  Count my blessings and be grateful for them while I have them instead of spending my life fretting over them.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

I'm really hurting today....

Swimming Pool by Leandro Erlich


.....and I don't know why. 
Fight Sheron fight....it is worth every effort....You will win.

Changes

I get to Rome this morning to pick up Wyatt and AJ from camp.  To find AJ with a chrome dome.  Wyatt lost his glasses in the lake....and seems to be getting ill.


I feel myself slipping away from the Lord.  I feel anxious and frustrated.  I know a big part of it is I have let myself get too busy.  Jesse has stopped taking naps and that has been quite the transition for me more than him.  Ten years of collecting junk has caught up with me. I have cleaned clutter for 3 days. If it didn't have a place I found one. If I didn't need it, it was thrown away (or given away).  There is still so much to be done. But in my business I have stopped seeking time with the Lord.  That is going to have to be remedied.  I have over come far too much to slip back into sadness, loneliness and seclusion.  I noticed that when I am busy Jesse gets left behind too. I realized that yes, I have a lot of responsibilities, but I also have a son that loves me and wants to be with me.  So I have concluded that I need to include him in my work when possible and set a timer.  Work for a half hour and take a break and be a mommy.  I feel I can do the same with the Lord.   I know from experience that just 5 minutes increments through out the day makes a huge difference in my relationship with Him.  A few minutes of prayer and singing, reading and meditating on a scripture has the power to make a huge difference and I can pray (and play) while I work.
I don't want to leave God again.  I need him and I love him.  I am gathering as I write that I have to make changes in my life. I am willing to do whatever is needed to have a relationship with my God and to be a good wife and mother....I am feeling God urging me to just take action.  Everything worth while takes effort and I cannot think of anything more valuable than a personal relationship with my Savior and caring for my family.  Thank you Father for never letting go of me.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011



A lifetime together is all we get.  Doug and I have been so blessed in our life together.  Sure we have gone through some rocky times, but nothing we cannot handle.  He has stood beside me though it all, mistakes, illness, poverty, pregnancy and depression.  Friends come and go but he is the one person I can count on to stay by my side.  I cannot express how much I love my husband. How grateful I found my true love at a young age. Years spent living and raising our family. Enjoying each other and holding hands through laughter and tears. I have been blessed and I will gratefully live the rest of my life by his side.

Troubled Tuesday

Morning Chapel

I'm so fickled, I woke this morning and no longer had a desire for a tortoise. To think Saturday morning I was ready to fight because Doug said no.  I think it was more that he had his say and that was the way it was going to be that bothered me.  No discussion just no you don't need one......well of course that just make the rebellious nature in me flare.  I can't expect him to be head of house, make the final decision part of the time and get mad when it doesn't suit my wants.  I am married to the most awesome man. I am blessed to be with someone I want to be with everyday, that I miss when he is away and enjoy his showers of attention when we are together....no one would guess we have been married 26+ years......I wish everyone could have what we have.
I am missing my children. AJ (19) and Wyatt (13) left for Senior Camp At Camp Shiloh Ministries on Sunday.  AJ planned to go, Wyatt was a last minute decision. I hope they have fun and are touch by the Lord during this special time.  For one week they are taken from the world and it's influences and ministered to while having an amazingly fun time. Night chapel is wonderful.  It is like a concert, then there is a message and a time of prayer and personal ministry.  
I miss my boys but I hope (especially Wyatt) that this week is life changing. Richard Zacek is the camp director and he has been keeping us up to date with pictures on facebook and a daily log on his personal blog.
It has just been me and my little one...Jesse and I went to town to mail a letter to the boys and by Big M for an Ice Cream run. Jesse has not been a very good boy today.....I think an early bedtime is a wonderful idea.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Baby Tortoise

Dan the Snakeman and Albus the Alligator


I know to hear me say I want to raise a baby African tortoise is rather comical seeing how my natural tenacity had prompted my sister to create a  new title, terrapin syndrome.
I went to the Morrisville Public Library with my youngest son to see Dan the Snakeman last Friday evening. We saw all kind of neat reptiles from Rattle snakes - African Tortoise.  These were real live creatures that he took out and handled right in front of us.  I nearly wet my pants when he brought out an alligator named Albus.  We were allowed to handle the safe animals after his show. He had a huge tortoise named Hercules that was about 15 years old. I asked Doug if I am a really good girl could I have one for Christmas? He said we'd talk...better than his first reaction.


Cobra

African Tortoise it was as big as my palm