Changes in Attitude

I wrote a post in my old blog, Amazing Adventures, about not having a choice to whether you are living a life of loneliness.  Loss is all around us.  People breeze into our lives and breeze back out. Some friendships are for a season and some are for a lifetime.  Whether it is by choice or not, losing someone you love is difficult. But it is not a sentence to a life of loneliness.
I now believe as long as you have the ability to make a call, an email, get into a car or even walk downtown, loneliness is a choice.  I know there are people everywhere, people that needs a friend.
As long as there is an ability we should try to make a difference. Bake a pie and visit a neighbor, volunteer at a nursing home (that is a place full of lonely people who doesn't have a choice). If it is in your ability see how you could assist at a prison. Call that person that seems super popular...never know, they may spend more time alone than one would guess. Contact the people in your church that appears outside the loop of popular members. Look at your own family.  Does your spouse need attention? Maybe your kids need to talk or would enjoy playing a game with you. How long has it been since you have spoken to parents or siblings.
As a Christian, I believe that even though I long for human companionship, I have my God who loves me and is always present in my life.  I am thankful that I can talk to him anytime I want to. God created us to be relational beings and  I am hoping that my desire for him increases as the world continues to turn around the sun.

Lukewarm

While Jesse and I washed out dishes today I made sure the water was just over lukewarm to protect his tiny hands.  As I went on about my work, I started thinking on a scripture Revelation 3:15,16 (NLT) (15) I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! (16) But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!

If someone is cold spiritually they can be changed. Cold is something God can work with. God can light a fire under him to make him hot. Restore the Christian to the place where he met his first love.
When someone is hot, he is in love with the Lord. He is sold out, living a pleasing life to God. Has an intimate relationship with him and joyfully goes about his fathers work.
Someone who is lukewarm thinks she is okay.  Not enough fire in the belly to be a spiritual warrior, but knows enough from past experiences and teachings to think she is living a Christian life.  She may no longer feel she needs God anymore or had gotten so busy that she had just forgotten him. It is defiantly hard for Him to reach. Being lukewarm, I feel, is the most dangerous.  Can usually be spotted warming a pew, after all they did their duty and went to service. At home living like the world, keeping only the commandments that are comfortable and they may have lost all sense of who they are. Unproductive and unresponsive to God's call.

I love God's gentle teaching in everyday activities.  I am working on my lukewarmness, I know this is the not Christian I want to be.  I don't want Jesus to vomit me out.  I want to be his, to love him to keep his word in my heart and fan the fire that is still in my belly.  Father please help me be the woman you want me to be.

The Heart of Dixie

picture taken by

Natalie Hollander Hood

I stand in awe this morning as I see the devastation last nights storms did to Alabama. I am very familiar of the cities that were hit.  My mother was raised in Cullman and my dad in Huntsville.  I have extended family on both sides, mostly cousins still living near there.  All that can be done now is pray for the survivors. 

Feeding My Soul

AJ with butterfly

We finally have summerish days. I cannot remember a time I have been happier than the last few days of heat and sunshine. The heat brings me joy and energy. I feel healthier and more vibrant as my pores soaks in the vitamin E.  If we are not outside playing or working in the yard, I'm busy working on the spring cleaning. The windows are wide open and I smell the clean air overtaking the winter's mustiness. In the few acres we claim as our yard, there is enough work to keep me busy all summer and that doesn't include the other 5 acres of woods and field. The more active I am the better I feel and the better I sleep. We are having a great deal of rain, but I can deal with it, I not even very bothered by the muddy yard.
Wyatt joins us as soon as he gets off the school bus he doesn't even go inside. He puts his book bag down and starts to play with us.  AJ pulls in the driveway shortly after Wyatt and hits the house for shorts and meets us in the yard.  Yesterday, AJ had a butterfly land on him three different times.  We have dubbed him the butterfly whisperer. Jesse is very obstinate about coming inside.  He cries and begs to go outside for quite some time. Doug put up Jesse's feeder and we  have been getting constant visits from Capped Neck Chickadees and Sparrows. 
For the first time in a very long time I feel unrestricted  joy. I am productive as well, so I feel I am meeting my standards as a homemaker in caring for my family. I am indeed richly blessed.

My three boys in their butterfly catching stance

Facebook

Facebook can be a lot of fun.  I have all my church friends, some Georgia friends, family and even a couple of my husbands co workers in my friends list.  I can spend all day checking on what everyone is doing, and get feeling pretty lonely when there is no new activity.
I did something bad last night.  I posted about how bad my kids were.  Publicly humiliating them. During Bible study with Wyatt this morning, it was on love,
1 Cor 13:4-7 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

It made me deeply regret my post.  I apologized to them on their pages and posted this verse in my status saying...when I get frustrated with my boys instead of facebooking it, I will remember 1 Cor 13:4-7.  I thank God for my wonderful children. 

Finally a Hot Sunny Day

He never smiles when he says cheese...he is holding a flower from the garden

Nothing makes you appreciate the sun like a Central NY winter and spring.  After months of snow and now weeks of gray skies, we finally received a beautiful day. Jesse and I went out this morning smelling flowers and hunting for bugs.  Our yard is a mud pit, but we didn't care!  Praise God for our sunny day!

Jesse pointing a bird.  He slid in the mud and his little butt was covered

Recession

I know that is not a word a lot of us want to read.  But as we look at America's failing economy what other adjective describes it so well?
I have got to get recession minded (not poverty mentality, but smart).  I have to stop looking beyond today and begin to plan if the worst happens.  We have a modest emergency saving. Probably get us through a month, two if we didn't pay utilities. But if the dollar keeps dropping at the rate it is, it won't matter how much Doug has manged to save.
So what what can I do? As the homemaker it should be my responsibility to use our grocery budget carefully.  I have always known how to cook, but there are times that I want that convenience food.  Days I spend too much time on the computer or playing with our baby and whoops it's time to cook. Growing up I remember eating beans every night. Although I enjoy them occasionally as an adult, I don't want my family to survive on dry beans and cornbread.  I do know how to stretch two hearty meals from one chicken, reuse ham, leftover roast (who am I kidding?) or any other meats.  As I plan to go to the grocery store I need to look for the items that can be used for more than one meal.
An investment in a meat grinder and slicer would be one way to save. One store always has chicken breast and boneless hams for less than two dollars a pound. Ground chicken is better for us than ground beef and slicing our own sandwich meats would save around four dollars a pound verses the grocery deli. Stock piling dry goods when on sale, I feel, is smart.  I like having enough food on hand that I don't have to worry my kids will be hungry if we are short on money.
I need to become a serious gardener. Can and freeze vegetables. I think that is something I need to plan for the next spring.  For now we have a small garden spot for squash and beans.  Tomatoes and cucumbers are grown in pots on the porch. Probably not enough to save, but to eat fresh this summer.
As far as clothing, even if I was a good seamstress I never could make anything for less than buying it. Especially when taking advantage of sales and consignment shops.
I think with a little planning I can be successful.

Hygiene

I just got home from my 6 month dental hygiene appointment.  I have been having a bit of pain on my left side. I thought it may be a cavity between the teeth, turns out that I have nerves dying in my tooth and now I need a root canal.  The same tooth I had crowned due to a stress fracture a couple years ago.  Good news (if there is any) my out of pocket is less than 200.00. As badly as I don't want to this procedure I know it will only get worse if I don't.  Sometimes in life a bullet must be bitten and we must do what has to be done, even if it causes pain, for the over all good.
At least I have dental insurance, my teeth are nice and clean and I have my complementary bag of oral hygiene goodies.

Reclaiming My Life

I wish I could say that I faced these last breathless two years with grace. A change came over me about the time Jesse was born. Living in Central NY is not easy anyway, but for a southern girl who craves the sun, well at times it is unbearable. I suffered postpartum depression with Jesse.  Being over forty and having him in the dead of winter didn't help.  I found myself out of control again and after seeking medical advise to rule out anything organic I am now being treated for Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I have to come to terms that unless God changes me, I will be on some form of antidepressant the rest of my life. I can function now, my guys can leave the house without a constant feeling of dread that I will never see them again.
As I look back I can see a few constants in my life.  My husband, Doug, is such a special person.  He has loved me through everything. I have close friends that have not left my side and I know is always in prayer for me. My siblings support me...I know they always will.
So with this past behind me what shall I do? I guess begin living again. 

Nineteen Years Really?

AJ just a few days old

It is hard for me to believe that it has been 19 years since my wonderful son AJ was forced from my body 10 weeks premature.  He weighed in at a whopping 4 lbs and 10 ounces. He came from me crying, peeing (which was a good thing) and swiftly taken away to the neonatal nursery.  I barely saw him and didn't get to hold him.  I was allowed to sit in the nursery to watch him sleep and hold his hand.  To be honest I was so freaked out at his size I didn't mind waiting to cuddle him.  A few hour later he was taken from Northside Hospital to Scottish Rite Children's hospital across the street. That was out first separation and he was only a few hours old.

Three weeks, one surgery and a few pounds heavier we took our baby home. It has been an amazing journey every since. Colic, ear infections, second surgery to remove his bad kidney and close his vesicostomy. Many diapers, preschool, fun birthdays, bedtime stories, homework, little brother, big move, first crush, best friends, another crush, falling in love with God, another little brother, graduation, first job (Pastor's son), experienced the pain of losing a close friend, second job (Marquardt), making Bible college plans and preparing for a year in the mission field half a world a way from me.

Here it is, nineteen unbelievable years later and we celebrated him at Carrabba's Italian Grill.  I am very proud of him and so pleased we have such great relationship.  I have had the honor to watch this precious, tiny baby grow into a strong, handsome, man of God. I could not love him more.

AJ almost 19 and Jesse 2

Victory

I have been living less than a victorious life.  Funny how we allow lies to enter our lives and steal our joy...
That is just what I did.  I forgotten who I was and what was done for me.  Jesus gave his life for me.  Through his suffering I have healing, through his death I have life and through his resurrection I have victory in all things.
It is time for me to stop acting defeated and to stand and accept who I am. I am taking this Easter to reclaim my life from the enemy.  All these things I think I can't do I know I can because all things can be done through Christ Jesus who brings strength. Today is a celebration of His victory over the grave and I am so thankful that I can also celebrate my victory from bondage. Without His sacrifice I would not have a chance at redemption. Without His Victory I would not have freedom from sin.

It May Feel Like Friday

 But Sundays on the way....

The cross was two pieces of dead wood; and a helpless, unresisting Man was nailed to it; yet it was mightier than the world, and triumphed, and will ever triumph over it. ~Augustus William Hare

I cannot think of anything more wonderful than a Savior willing to take all my punishment so I can be united with God. Of course wish there could have been another way.  The actual suffering that Christ endured breaks my heart. God is sovereign. I trust him, he knew what had to be done and he gave his son to be a sacrifice.
The scriptures tell us of his suffering, his burial and come Sunday morning His might resurrection from the grave.  Death could not hold him and he ascended into Heaven to take his place at the right hand of God.  Good Friday is a day of remembrance for the suffering and mighty love Jesus has for us all. Sunday is the most triumphant event in the Christian belief.

"If Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. . . .We are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that he raised Christ from the dead." In that same chapter he says "If Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen sleep in Christ are lost. If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men." But then Paul triumphantly declares, "But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep" (1 Cor. 15:14-20).

What's Your Drug?

There are many things people use to dull their senses or to get a break from the pressures of life.  For you it could be a prescription drug or alcohol maybe cigarettes, porn, adrenaline rush, shopping, sex, food, attention, television or movies...the list is endless...
The rub is this...once the cool effects wears off, we are still stuck with whatever we are wanting to escape from only worse.  Longing for more...needing more for the same effects.  Some are harmless like my desire to watch Son's of Anarchy, but even that leaves me wanting more...waiting for season four to start. Others can be dangerous like shopping therapy can create quite a debt and others is deadly..I'll leave it to you to fill in that blank.
I guess it all boils down to the fact everyone needs a fix. An escape of some sort from the daily grind.  I suppose the best thing we can do is use our best judgment and moderation.

Starting Over

Sometimes in this life we have to face our past and make a decision whether to continue on our current path or have the courage to say enough is enough and make changes for the better. I love my life. I don't want to do anything to compromise it.  I am a wife of 26 years. I met my husband when I was 18. Doug saved me from what could have been a life of disaster.  I was heading down the road of becoming a trailer park queen. He changed my direction and we have built a life and a relationship that works for us...together we have three wonderful sons. AJ age 19, Wyatt age 13 and Jesse who is only 2. 

I'm not going to elaborate on the mistakes I have made. These last couple years have been a whirlwind of depression and anxiety and as I am gaining control over my life I see where I need improvement and I plan to do the work it takes to be the woman I know I am..... This is my fresh start.  Putting changes in place to give me freedom to be the wife, mother and friend I desire to be.  Putting my family first as I regain a relationship with God.  Not saying it is always going to be easy.  Just saying I am willing to do what needs to be done to regain the life and integrity I had before letting my emotions rule my life.